Life Goes On

Craig Continued

Friday, Mar. 26, 2004 - 1:16 p.m.

So the Craig story continues...

Yesterday when he got home things were a little awkward but not unbearable. We didn't kiss again but when he went to bed I went in the room with him and laid down and cuddled with him until he fell asleep. Unfortunately Craig is still in "should" and "supposed to" mode - like many younger people (and some older people that haven't yet realised it). There is no should or supposed to in my life. There is either "I want to ... " or "I will ... " - the latter referring to those situations that I don't particularly want to do but have accepted their importance and have agreed to do it.

Craig said last night "I just want to fall asleep with you but at 23 I should want to have sex with you ... there must be something wrong with me". He has had these thoughts his whole adult life - always feeling the obligation and societal expectations which contradict what he feels in his heart. I reassured him that "just" falling asleep together was a great thing to do and there were no expectations on him from me.

So we'll just see what happens.

In other news, I miss Clare since she started working. :(

So... what's the goss???

Thursday, Mar. 25, 2004 - 7:40 p.m.

So you're probably wondering what all those poems are about? Well last night stuff happened between Craig and I (neighbour). It's been building for weeks and he was really open about it last weekend. He came right out and talked about the sexual tension and flirting. I had been flirting heaps too. He asked me to show him how to use his twin tub washing machine so whenever my arms and hands were wet I would wipe them on his shirt and stuff like that.

What's he like I hear you ask?

Well he's 23 which is 10 years younger than me which sounds shocking but considering I had a 16 year old last year I'm proud of myself! ;)

Craig has a saying "Hot Cold Happy Sad" which he believes describes his four possible emotional states. He is usually sad - has had it rough since his parent's divorce in mid-teens. He also has a heart as black and cynical as me which makes for interesting conversations!

Craig and I have been flirting for weeks. He even said the other day "David knows what's going down" (which he does). I knew then that my assumptions were correct - that Craig was feeling the same as me - as though we want to take a leap of faith but past hurts are preventing us (hence the poems below).

Well last night we finally did something about it. Started with him playing his electric guitar and keyboard and sharing some of his work with me. Then he lay on my lap on the couch and then move to his bed. We talked about it and made it clear that nothing would happen - it was late (midnight or so?) plus we don't want to rush things. We talked and cuddled with the lights off (only half undressed) and laughed and touched. Eventually we kissed which was amazing. He told me I should feel privileged because he doesn't kiss very often (like me) and I did.

Well David's bugging me for the computer so I'm going to sign off now but will write more later.

Hope or Bust

Thursday, Mar. 25, 2004 - 3:18 p.m.

These won't make sense to anyone else but I'm going to type them up anyway.

=============================

25/03/04 - 11.25 am

=============================

I left my lecture

I can't think

Besides the fact

that lecturer stinks!

I can't use blah

That's filling lines

But somehow it sums up these times.

Here I sit

One the Uni steps

Can't stop writing

Can't stop thinking

Can't stop wondering

Are u also thinking?

I hope so.

I hope you are.

I hope your mind is clicking, ticking

Just like mine.

Are you writing in your head

or in the notebook you shared?

You said to feel privileged

for the music and the kiss.

I do. I really do.

The privilege feeds my hope.

Hope is also my biggest fear.

It's hard to get

It's hard to trust

The hope that grows

Hope or bust.

No more no more

This has to stop

I cannot believe

That this will grow

My fear will win

I'm sure of it

I cannot go ... unless you lead.

I held your hand

It felt good

It felt right

It felt safe.

The 1 x 1 was warm and sweet

and deep and perfect.

The perfect kiss

The perfect safe

The perfect man

The perfect chance

To repair my fractured heart.

What will happen?

We don't know

We won't know

Unless we go

Unless we risk

The world, our walls

Unless we trust that each we care

and hold and tell and bear

each other's hurt.

Take my trust and do to me

As you desire I do to you.

t.

Butt I Hope I'm Not

Thursday, Mar. 25, 2004 - 3:09 p.m.

=============================

25/03/04 - 11.00 am

=============================

Now the doubt is kicking in

Butt of joke I may have been

Hickey evidence to prove the dare

A joke forever they will share.

Laughter and hilarity ensue

Empty words I heard from you

One-up on him for you

Does he have to do it too?

'You're not fat' I heard you say

I talked too much

I felt the melt

Oh fool is me

Men are pigs

You didn't really care for 'Babe'.

Am I stupid?

Am I naive?

Did I make up the pj lines?

Am I weird or desperate to you?

Do you stratch your head and think

Thank fuck she doesn't drink.

Three messages I've sent

Unlike me who never bends

Still no reply and so the doubt

Infects me.

A busy day I know you have

This ache I haven't felt

I can wait and I can bear it

But if I'm wrong

And butt I am

I will crumble cry and wail.

No more trust.

No more fail.

As Is Condition

Thursday, Mar. 25, 2004 - 3:02 p.m.

=============================

25/03/04 - 11.00 am

=============================

All I have to give

Is tiny shards of what once was

a decent, open, loving heart.

It is not whole

That's not your fault

You know it's state

As Is Condition

Not more, not less.

Expect no more

But know at least

That honesty, respect and TLC are given

Always.

Not through effort or to meet a creed

But just is who I am

On the mark

No shit

No lies

The line is clear

The standard set

What you see

Is what you get.

So make your choice

As Is Condition

No pretence.

t.

Store This

Thursday, Mar. 25, 2004 - 2:55 p.m.

=============================

25/03/04 - 10.30 am

=============================

He drones

He cackles

I've tried before

showed him once

yet it's still sore

on ears and nerves

I hate this time.

I cannot help but wander mind

to nine hours prior

how great it felt

to trust to touch to reach out

to leap to gulp I want to shout

It's wonderful it's great

Amazing too

I think that I will fall for you.

My guts churn on

My heart screams No

The barriers want me to know

All the why's this won't work

But it's all just symptoms of my fear

To open up and make it clear

That I admire, respect and like you,

That'll do pig, that'll do.

About Time

Thursday, Mar. 25, 2004 - 2:45 p.m.

=============================

25/03/04 - 2.00 am

=============================

It feels so right, it feels so good,

It makes me wonder, if it really could

Be this right and good

or will it just drift away

and leave me by myself once more

to preach that it is bad not good?

My glasses sit in your lounge,

I need them back so I can see,

Or is it better blind and learn

to live without the sight of love or like?

I heard you play, I heard you sing,

We kissed and touched

and learnt to trust.

But what's the price?

A broken heart

When slowly it

has slowly learnt to trust.

Will it be shattered once again?

This is my final time to try.

The risk is great, return is high,

Take the leap and love or die.

t.

Where's Buffy when you need her?

Monday, Mar. 22, 2004 - 9:57 p.m.

I now have a 30 gig hard drive and a cd burner in my computer. This is very exciting because now I can load on the software that I need to do my Uni work. One of my units, Applications Programming, uses Visual Studio to create windows applications in Visual Basic. I am loving the unit but really need to practice my skills. I will download Windows XP tomorrow (legally through MSDNAA) and will then format my master drive.

Thursday is fast approaching. It is the day that I was supposed to go to court for the DVO hearing with Wayne. One of my nighmares since his death is that he faked his death until my temporary order expired (Thursday) and then he would come and kill me. I know it's stupid because it takes too much money and effort to fake a death but still... we can't control our nightmares. David said a weird thing tonight - we were leaving Craig's place and David said "Hey Mum, Dad's behind you". I freaked and said "Don't say that David!" (in hindsight I probably shouldn't have reacted like that) and he replied "Not in human form Mum... in spirit form". At the time I thought he was just being silly but now I'm beginning to think maybe he was serious. I always believed that Wayne was psychic or at least could "feel" people - maybe that's passed to David because he has the same intuitive instinct when it comes to judging people.

I guess the hope is that if Wayne is around in spirit form then only the good Wayne is around and the bad side has been admonished to hell never to return.

* shudder *

Weekend Without Happy Families

Sunday, Mar. 21, 2004 - 10:42 p.m.

Had a great weekend. Saturday morning was spent at Uni presenting to a workshop of casual tutors. I was asked to give student opinion on what makes an effective tutorial or practical. It was well received and I get paid for it which is great.

The rest of the weekend was spent doing some Uni work, tidying (not cleaning!) the house and spending time with Craig (neighbour). We have some really deep discussions and yet he makes me laugh at the same time. We talked about sex today which was kinda surreal but it was good to hear his opinions on it. He reveals more about himself every day. This fascinates me as it's interesting to see which aspects of his soul are nature and which are nurture.

Why is it that our parents always seem so heartless? There are memories that Craig recounts of his childhood that I can relate to and I realise that we both hate our parents. We also hate playing "happy families" with people that were supposed to protect and nurture us yet they were, and still are, our greatest enemy. I cannot imagine David ever feeling this way about me and I hope he never does. The thing is, did my parents think the same thing, or did they consciously know how much they were hurting me?

Thoughtful Prose

Sunday, Mar. 21, 2004 - 3:31 p.m.

I have had this poem stuck to the inside of my diary for about 4 years now. It was originally sent to me by CJ, a family friend that I grew up with. He used to be in the British Army and recounted that he repeated this poem to himself when in the middle of combat or when on night watch.

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever Gods may be

for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

It matters not how strait the gate,

nor how charged with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

- W.E. Henley (1849-1903)

t.

Juggling is Fun

Friday, Mar. 19, 2004 - 10:38 a.m.

I can feel the pressure building. My life has reached the peak it was a couple of weeks ago and it's heading for a decline. Nothing I can't manage (I hope :S) but I have too much on my "To Do" list, not enough money and too little time. There are also too many thoughts in my head to think coherently and I'm getting concerned about my ability to juggle.

The thing about juggling is that all external variables much remain constant. With concentration, dedication and nothing unexpected I can juggle my life quite well. Granted, it has been much harder in the past and I haven't resorted to intravenous drugs yet so why be concerned now?

The problem is that I can't control the external variables. I am only in charge of my own actions and decisions - I am therefore left to the mercy of others who may throw a curve ball into my juggling act.

On a happy note, I can pick up my Staff ID Card for QUT on Monday. This pleases me! I get 10% at the University Bookstore plus access the the payroll system. I got the impression from the staff member who told me about the card that I would be getting more work at QUT in the future which is flattering, pleasing yet not surprising. I am wonderful, after all.

Death's Marketing Genius

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 - 10:49 p.m.

It's not that you're gone

It's how that pisses me.

How could you not want to see him grow up?

How could you not want to see his smile again?

How could you choose nothingness over the joy he brings, his light, his laughter?

A life so dark

To give up such a light

Is a place I never want to be.

Imagine the brochure?

Come to Death

It's a lovely place

Take the suicide route

It's the easiest way.

It won't mention that it's one way

Or that there is no beautiful amazing child

Who makes you laugh

And makes you cry

And knows your soul better than you do.

Come to Death

No bills, rent, responsibility.

Drink as much as you like

No laws against DV

No nagging women

No criticism.

Hello?

Would your first question not be

When can I return

To my sons

To my blood

To my babies.

Those small souls I held in my arms

And promised to treasure and care for?

Forever.

Your forever is obviously shorter than mine.

Sellout.

t.

Judging a Book

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 - 10:44 p.m.

"That's the thing about relationships - sometimes they looked prettier on the outside" -- Sex and the City.

Spirit Speak

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 11:47 p.m.

I've spent most of the weekend with Craig, next door neighbour. Each night after putting David to bed I went next door and we'd watch tv, listen to music, talk, flirt etc. He has a lot of hurt like me and a lot of our flirting is hastily withdrawn with "just kidding".

We both believe in spirit guides who protect and watch over us. I believe that Wayne is watching over me and helps me out. We had previously spoken about this, to which Craig asked "Does he like the cut of MY brow?". I believe he does.

We were sitting there last night watching TV and Craig turned to me and said "Is this real?" meaning the way we get on so well and how we understand each other's thoughts. I replied "Yes."

At that precise moment the TV aerial fell out of the socket and the whole screen went snowy, accompanied by that loud hissing sound. We both just looked at each other shocked and then laughed for ages.

Now I'm sure Wayne likes the cut of Craig's brow. If it was a 'no' then it would have happened before I answered.