Life Goes On

Mother = Money = Hassles
Friday, Feb. 27, 2004 - 11:31 p.m.
If you're a regular reader of my journal you'll probably be aware that my Mother is not my favourite person. There is an explanation for the strained relationship which I won't bore you with. The issue that I have with her is that she's not consistent. My Mother views money as power. She has always been obsessed with it. Getting a degree and earning money is apparently the most important objective in life. Most of my life since I was a teenager she has bought my love. I used to resent it and fight against it but after some counselling I realised she needed to do that. So anyway, she offers to pay for stuff all the time, bought me my car and mobile and fridge and dryer and bed - some of them were identified as Birthday or Christmas presents but were still significant financial outlays.

Why all this now? I got home from Uni today and found a message on the answering machine to David from my Mother. It was his birthday today and the message said something like "Hi David, Happy Birthday. I hope you liked the present that I bought you. Bye." Firstly, I paid for half that present! Secondly, half of her half came from my Father (who was not mentioned in the message) and thirdly, where is the "I Love You" or "I'm proud of you" or "I know your Dad is thinking of you" ... all she cares about and mentions is the expensive present.

When I had to take David to Wayne's funeral, I borrowed money off a friend for petrol. She found out and berated me, saying that I shouldn't have done that and told me that if I needed money I should always ask her rather than impact on others. So I rang her today to help me pay for my semester parking ($200) and she gave me this big lecture about how I can't afford to have a car and I should start paying her up front for the rego and insurance due in April! She also said that I shouldn't be buying David birthday presents if I can't afford necessities like parking!

I don't have a problem with getting the lecture or being told that I need to be more aware of financial responsibilities but it's the consistency that annoys frustrates me! I wish she wouldn't say "ask me for money" in one breath and "don't take me for granted" in the next breath.

The main reason for getting my degree is so that I don't have to be financially dependent on her anymore. Another two years and I will be able choose my interaction with my Mother based on a desire to spend time with her rather than maintaining a rocky foundation because I need her. I'm guessing I won't see much of her my first year out.

t.

Welcome Ms-Do
Friday, Feb. 27, 2004 - 11:28 p.m.
Please welcome Ms-Do to the diaryland. She is my infamous friend Clare that I often praise and complain about! ;) Wonderful, fantastic girlfriend that is a significant part of my life.

Welcome Clare!

t.

Another Boring Update
Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 10:00 p.m.
Had the Mature Age Orientation today at one of the campuses of my university. I had prepared a list of "Do's and Don'ts" to tell the students. The facilitator came up to me afterwards and thanked me for my input. She also added that I had a great presence and an excellent speech delivery manner. Woot!

It's David's birthday tomorrow. He knows he's getting a Game Cube but I have a couple of small things for him in the morning.

He got into trouble today at swimming for throwing leaves in the pool. He knows he was wrong and has to write a paragraph for the teacher tomorrow. It was so sweet tonight though - he said to me "I'm going to try and have a perfect day tomorrow. Not just because it's my birthday but because I want to have a perfect day every day".

This will be his first birthday without his Father. I'm not sure how I will feel about this. I will probably have some more input after tomorrow.

It has been confirmed that I'm teaching MS Access this Saturday. It is a difficult one day course with the biggest concern being the prior knowledge of the students. The whole of Access including data relationships and switchboards all in one day? Eep. I've also been offered the next one in May. I love teaching IT, and I'm very good at it. The money is great too. I just hope that I can get through all the work in 8 hours.

David and I have started walking at 5.30am! it is a great time to talk and we need the exercise because we're both overweight. Hopefully we can keep it up. My poor body is feeling it already - all tight and achy. :(

Not much reflection or words of wisdom I'm afraid. Back in the swing of Uni and I'm busy again.

t.

Yardstick Steve
Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 10:14 p.m.
Had an unexpected yet deep & meaningful discussion with Steve today. For the uninitiated, he is the wonderful/perfect/fantastic guy that I've known for about a year ... but OF COURSE has a girlfriend which twinges my sense of decency but not enough to stop seeing him.

I told him that I had a date on Friday and he sent me an email on said Friday saying "Have fun tonight (in a friendly buddy non-sexual kind of way)" - !!!

I asked him about it today; asked him if he was joking and he admitted that he was jealous that I was going on a date but obviously realises that he can't offer me what I want so he needs to let me go to enable me to find that. When I told him that the date wasn't "fireworks and future" he said he was disappointed for me yet somewhat relieved. We talked about how he is my yardstick whenever I meet someone PLUS the fact that he thinks I'm wonderful and would change things if he could.

Whatever. Life is never easy.

t.

Illogical IM
Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 12:56 a.m.
T says: oh well.. such is the risk one takes when purchasing slurpees.. still feel like one?

Glennjamin says: i would have to hold it whilst driving

T says: thats the ONE advantage of having a small child in the passenger seat

Glennjamin says: and he said "no, whats a mormon?"

Notes Link
Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 12:54 a.m.
I have added a link to my notes page!

t.

The Importance of Being Dateless
Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004 - 12:29 p.m.
Friday Night - Date!

Characters

Me

Jeremy (28yo date)

Setting

I went over to his place around 9pm. He lives in a large unit about 15 minutes drive from me. Dimity was babysitting David.

Act One

So I arrived and we chatted out the front for a while before going inside. Physically he was not what I expected - the photo he sent me was him but his hair was much longer in real life and he was also shorter than I anticipated. His body was toned without an ounce of fat on him which should have made me feel weird but he put me at ease which was great.

Act Two

We talked heaps and laughed which was great but I don't know whether it was because I was making conversation or because we both were? I left around 1am.

Conclusion

I had a fun night but I don't see any future in it. I think he is seeking a casual sex partner, but he works during the day and he can't come around here, so even if I was seeking the same there would be no opportunity.

Reflection is a tiring thing. I didn't have a horrible night - he was considerate and interesting and I never felt ill at ease. Nor did I have such a fantastic time that I would meet him again.

t.

APC Concert
Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004 - 12:08 p.m.
Thursday 19 February, 2004

'A Perfect Circle' Concert

It was amazing! The convention centre was air conditioned which was excellent. There was no smoking or drinking alcohol allowed inside and no water bottles. We could only drink water from paper cups at $2.80 each! There was also a full pat down security search on entry.

The volume of the concert was amazing - any louder would have been too loud - it was exactly where it should be. I think that too often the people behind the musicians are forgotten. It was the lighting and sound engineers that made that concert so fantastic.

David had a good time playing gamecube at Drew's place whilst Jacinta and I went to the concert.

Now to write my entry about the date ;)

t.

Tertia Version 1.0
Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004 - 2:09 p.m.
A while ago I attended a 12 week group dealing with "stuff" and on the last night we had to bring something which represented ourselves at the beginning of the group, plus something which represented how we now felt.

I decided to write a Software Specification for myself, calling it Tertia Version 1.0. I then did a CD of songs which represented my journey to Tertia Version 2.0.

I found Tertia Version 1.0 on my computer the other day and decided to post some of it. I have edited it to save explanation.

SOFTWARE SPECIFICATION DOCUMENT

NAME: Tertia

VERSION: 1.0

RELEASE DATE: 15 July 1971

FEATURES:

Intelligent, hardworking, thoughtful, reliable, low maintenance, humorous, risk taker, sensible, good citizen, practical, logical, overseas connections, independent, self reliant, stable, determined.

DEFECTS:

Cynical, pessimistic, slow to trust, emotionally controlled, opinionated, hope-less, uncreative, unstylish, and often late.

KNOWN CAUSES:

1980 � Sibling advantage taken. Still shaky.

1985 � Broken parental trust. Not yet fixed.

1987 � Broken heart. Some work done.

1990 to 2000 � DV marriage.

2002 � Lack of faith from maternal parent.

COMPATIBLE WITH:

Loving child, patient friends, cappuccino ice cream, DDR, pink pyjamas, Jack Johnson, FWBs.

INCOMPATIBLE WITH:

Hypocrisy, ignorance, lies, violence, ex-husband, tight clothes, excessive alcohol, scary movies, physical affection, bimbos, himbos, dishonesty.

FUTURE RELEASES:

Version 2.0 is expected to be released 13 November 2003. This version will be more robust, able to sustain damaging intentions from others; particularly the dreaded Mother Virus which has been known to devastate current Version 1.0 on a number of occasions.

t.

OMG a date
Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004 - 1:34 p.m.
Well the only news I have is that I have a date on Friday night. Blah. It is the first real date I've had in five years and I'm terrified. I know I'm gonna blow it and fuck it all up because nothing good ever comes out of having hope. In some ways I guess it's not a real date because I'm going over to his place for dinner so he obviously expects sex. Hey, I don't have a problem with sex - I love it - but if asked I guess I would have preferred going out somewhere.

Maybe I can cancel? I have actually only given him a "probable" - quoting a diary check and a babysitter as things to confirm being saying yes. Problem is, my diary has more cobwebs than a haunted house and Dimity has already agreed to babysit so I've run out of legitimate excuses. Here are a few more I could try:

* I'm scared of the dark and don't leave the house after 4pm.

* There's too much reality tv on Friday night to tape.

* I have a fungal infection in my toe and my doctor is making a house call.

* My mother says I shouldn't date dirty old men from the internet.

* Friday night is Pork Chop night! (Simpsons reference)

* I want to finish knitting my scarf for winter.

or ... "I'm scared of it being great and then having to stress about whether or not you like me as much as I like you".

So let's go through the checklist. Go on girls, admit it, we all have them. We pretend we don't because of course personality is all that counts. * rolls eyes *

What is good about this guy?

* He is single (well it appears so - inviting me to his place is always a good sign, and he's given his number with no time conditions);

* He's cute!

* He works as a DBA (Database Administrator) so he's geek like me. We talk about IT stuff all the time.

* He can spell!

* He's funny .. we have messenger conversations most nights and we laugh all the time.

* He knows I have a child and is still speaking to me.

* He has a good work ethic.

What would I change if I could?

* He's a little younger than I like (only 28).

* We met on the internet.. I wish we hadn't because there is such a stigma attached to that plus I will have to lie to my Mother if/when I tell her about him.

* I don't think he has kids, which can be difficult because he may not understand the challenges I face as a parent and may also want to spend most of our time as a 'couple'.

This entry will probably be deleted on Saturday morning when the whole stupid thing goes awry and I get embarrassed because I made a stupid list so be glad you read this now.

Sigh.

t.

Sunrise is a new beginning
Sunday, Feb. 15, 2004 - 1:30 a.m.
Do you ever wonder what the sunrise was like on any given significant day in your life? There is an Australian artist, Neil White, who has photographed every sunrise since December 27, 1998 from different coasts around Australia.

His pictures are stunning! It's basically to say "This is the first day of the rest of your life" or "This day was significant" and are sold mainly to new parents for their child but can also represent divorce, obtaining a degree, In Memoriam - any significant date in your life.

I love the idea.

t.