What a smart little one
Sunday, Nov. 14, 2004 - 11:33 p.m.
Me: its the anniversary of his suicide tomorrow :-(
EOJ: oh wow
Me: yeah.. first one
EOJ: first suicide?
EOJ: oh wow
Me: yeah.. first one
EOJ: first suicide?
t.
Jimmy the Bear
Friday, Nov. 12, 2004 - 12:48 a.m.
This is the story of Jimmy the Bear.
Wayne bought Jimmy for me the day after we met and gave him to me for Christmas two weeks later. He has been on many adventures. He has lived in 20 different towns spanning two states. He has been hitchhiking through Queensland stuck, head out, in the top of my backpack and I'm sure was the reason for some of our lifts. I sleep with Jimmy every night, tucked under my arm, and find it difficult to sleep without him. On his third birthday, before David was born, I made Jimmy a chocolate cake and put a party hat on him!
The only time Jimmy and I have been separated was when I fled my home to a domestic violence refuge with only the clothes I was wearing, and my son. It took three months of negotiations with Wayne before he would return Jimmy to me.
Jimmy is a little worse for wear. He has two large rips in him - one under his arm and one in his neck. He is missing some stuffing and his nose is worn.
Jimmy has been through so much with me. One night after a day working at the gold mine I came home to find the TV missing. It was not a burglary but another time when the TV was taken to the pawnbrokers to fund a drinking binge for Wayne. I knew it would be a bad night so with nothing to watch I climbed into bed early and waited for the fireworks. Sure enough, sometime after midnight, Wayne came home blind drunk and started arguing. I remained turned away, crying silently with my tears soaked up by Jimmy's ears so that Wayne would never know the hurt he caused me. This particular night, Wayne picked a fight with Jimmy (yes, you can smile!) and then grabbed the bear by his feet. I held onto him as tight as I could and his head came off! I was so shocked! I just spun around and looked at Wayne holding Jimmy's head and I just cried and cried. It was like my only lifeline, my only piece of sanity, was snatched away from me. It felt as though I was a child being yanked from my Mother's legs and carted away by a stranger. In the sober light of morning Wayne took Jimmy to a seamstress and had him stitched up, but his head still remains at an unusual angle.
I'm thinking I might take Jimmy to the Teddy Bear Hospital here in Brisbane. It's not that I want him to look perfect, I just want him to last as long as possible. I have had other bears bought for me by special people in my life, in an attempt to break my Jimmy obsession, but I can't. He is a symbol of my survival and he is the only one who knows the exact details of the last 14 years of my life.
t.
Exam and GC
Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004 - 10:41 p.m.
First exam today - went well. The question with the most marks was designing a database so I did well on that question. 60 multiple choice - probably got 75% of those so I'm confident of passing. It was my easiest exam though.
Got the results back for a recent assignmetnt - 91%! That's really exciting as it was a huge task - ended up as 60 printed pages with 16 diagrams. It is my favourite subject though - Systems Analysis and Design - an area I've always considered specialising in.
Just got back from the Gold Coast. I took Corey and David down to see kuinip for dinner. The boys spent three hours in the pool and heated spa before a late dinner of burger and chips. I swam for a while but the cold water was too much after half an hour. They both fell asleep in the car on the way home but they had a great evening.
Next exam on Friday afternoon - much harder one this time. It's on SAP and Enterprise Systems - so much theory to learn. I have a clear structure of what to study so just need to inject the answers and learn it I guess. Will start tomorrow. :)
After this semester, I only have eight units to go which is v. exciting. I have already told my brother he has to come to my graduation. He whinged and moaned which is not unusual for him but he promised to come.
t.
Rachel and Nathan ... Burn in Hell
Monday, Nov. 08, 2004 - 11:43 a.m.
I shouldn't write in here when I'm pissed off, particularly when the person I'm pissed at reads it but I don't give a fuck. This is my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.
I worked in a group this semester for Web Applications. It was a group of four, and two of them (Rachel and Nathan) are engaged. We all nominated Rachel to be Team Leader. Nathan and Rachel took on the project and then delegated stuff to Mitchell and I. I built the database, did the Executive Summary, Future Direections, Fees and Charges and FAQs. The database was changed extensively between Phase I and Phase II and I wrote numerous SQL queries for Nathan and Mitchell. I attended every prac, every meeting and almost every lecture during the semester.
I checked my mark for the assignment last week and I only got 5 out of 25. I sms'ed Nathan and Rachel asking if we had handed in everything because it seemed a low mark for the effort. They did not BOTHER to respond. So then I sent them and Mitchell and email last night asking the same thing. Mitchell replied saying that it seemed low and that I should contact the lecturer. Rachel and Nathan didn't BOTHER to respond. So I rang the lecturer this morning and spoke to him about it. He said that my mark was lowered based on feedback from Nathan and Rachel. I then went into detail with him about the work that I had done, I showed him the teamwork website which had all my uploads and offered to send him copies of msn conversations with SQL queries in it. He agreed to adjust my mark accordingly and when I got off the phone to him I checked and found it had been adjusted to 24 out of 25.
I then sent an email to the group saying:
I think that this lack of communication is a reflection on your ages and that you should use this experience to learn conflict resolution and assertion. As a mature age student I have more experience in the workforce and life in general and I have learnt that you can't just hide under a rock and hope things work out okay. You both need to learn to communicate more clearly. You have ignored my sms and email attempts to discuss this matter which is both childish and unhelpful.
This, I think, is the hardest thing about studying later in life. You have to deal with immature, gutless, pathetic individuals who believe that sneaking around and sucking up to lecturers is an effective way of dealing with conflict. They are supposedly Christians who are behaving in a less-than-holy manner - they have not respected a fellow human being's right to be consulted. They both need to learn some assertiveness and conflict resolution skills. Fuck them both and God help them when they're married.
t.
A big word
Sunday, Nov. 07, 2004 - 8:32 p.m.
IF - Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
t.
The Numbers Game
Sunday, Nov. 07, 2004 - 11:35 a.m.
I have taken only a passing interest in the US election. I realise the decision affects Australia but I don't have the inclination to research all the aspects enough to form an opinion. I did find this interesting though.
I just showed this to David and he said "Oh, so they only voted for George Bush because they're idiots?".
t.
Raining Men? Not quite.
Sunday, Nov. 07, 2004 - 11:08 a.m.
It's pouring with rain today. Yesterday I told the boys they could go swimming today but now am faced with the prospect of saying no. I never promised of course - not that stupid - but still likely to end in the sulks. I am looking after Corey, kuinip's son for a week while she is down at the Gold Coast playing softball. He is easy to have - feeds himself, is placid and accommodating and entertains David which is great. Hopefully mood will remain calm for next seven days.
Spent some of yesterday at Mum and Dad's empty flat. Tenants moved out during the week so I was able to see the flat for the first time. I guess it's more an apartment - two level, three bedroom with spa ensuite, double lock up garage and amazing European kitchen with stainless steel appliances. I always knew my parents weren't the type to be a fixer-uppers (even though they live in a 100-year old, 5 bedroom wooden house... go figure) but this apartment is perfect! There is no work to be done, even the paint is perfect. We had sushi for lunch on the polished floorboards and David really made an effort to not be sarcastic or snide to his grandmother. My Mother seems to have found a peace with me where she tolerates my faults and has finally learnt that I won't always agree with her. After all the shit I've put her through I think she's happy as long as I don't land up in a Thai jail on drug smuggling. That leaves quite a variety of fun activities that can be explored without risking fancy apartment or 100 year old in the will. All is good.
I have started studying for my exams - two next week and one the week after. I feel really confident about them simply because I've worked hard this semester attending most lectures and tutorials and I actually really enjoyed most of my subjects. The Web Applications one was a bit boring - learning ASP.Net and javascript which I don't think I'll ever use again but I worked in a group who needed a database so I just spat out the occasional SQL query and they were happy.
I am looking forward to my walk in the morning with ms-do . Don't know what the contingency plan for rain is but hopefully we will brave it and trudge through it in manner of WWI ANZACs. Being deterred by a little water in the second week of establishing a good routine could be disasterous.
t.