Life Goes On

I'm tempted :D

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 11:48 p.m.

From : Friend X

Sent : Friday, 16 April 2004 5:46:30 PM

To :

Subject : HI

HI Tertia,

Reading your diary the other day so a piece of advice (?) Simply wait a couple of weeks, then tell the chap (that you gave the head job to) that your period is late for some reason! See what he says.

Friend X

Walk Away... or Not.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 1:50 a.m.

I just heard this song on the radio and I remembered the last time I heard it. It was after the second last court case before Wayne committed suicide and I was driving home from the Magistrates Court. I had just had another frustrating, delayed, unnecessary battle with him. At every court case I had to be stoic, firm, unemotional, determined and strong to show the judge and the prosecutor how important it was for me to renew the Domestic Violence Order. I could never look at him because his pleading eyes and desperation would probably have made me reconsider.

Anyway, I was driving home and this song came on the radio. I remember tears just streaming down my face and I was sobbing as I was driving.

========================================

Dropkick Murphys - Walk Away

So you say you fell in love

And you're gonna get married

Raise yourself a family

How simple life can be

Somewhere it all went wrong

And your plan just fell apart

And you aint got the heart

to finish what you started

Yeah you fell in love

And you went and got married

Had yourself a family

How simple life can be

Somewhere it all went wrong

And your plan just fell apart

And you aint got the heart

to finish what you started

The ones that you loved

The ones that you left behind

The ones you said you'd try to find

Are they tryin' to find you?

Somewhere it all went wrong

And your plan just fell apart

And you aint got the heart

to finish what you started

You walked out that door

To find out where you belong

To fufill your own selfish dreams

I think you might have forgotton

The ones that you loved

The ones that you left behind

The ones you said you'd try to find

Are they tryin' to find you?

========================================

I know in my heart that I didn't just "walk away" to fulfill my own selfish dreams (although that is what's happening). I know that I gave that marriage everything I had and more and when I did finally leave it was purely to save my sanity and my son's future. It still doesn't ease the pain and grief of my shattered dream of living happily ever after with a loving husband, couple of kids with a white picket fence and pink station wagon. We are fed this dream from a young age - media, society, parents - so now without it I am supposed to feel inadequate or like a failure.

My life as a single parent is better than it's ever been. My life as Wayne's wife was hell 80% of the time and that proportion of misery is just not acceptable to me. I used to say to him "as long as the goods outweigh the bads it'll be okay" ... well they didn't.

That doesn't mean that I don't still dream about a day when I can share my life with a wonderful man who deserves me, loves and respects me, and where the goods DO outweigh the bads.

Another thing that occurred to me today is that I would now make a much better partner than I did previously. When I first left my marriage, I was hopeless at so many daily activities. I couldn't do housework (he did it all) and, as my friends will attest my housework isn't great these days but hey.. the dishes are done so quit complainin'! Another incentive to completing my degree is so that I can pay someone to vacuum. (blissful sigh). Besides that, I couldn't use a street directory; I couldn't change the bed linen; I couldn't use a washing machine or iron a shirt. I know all this might sound ridiculous, but put it in perspective. I grew up in Africa with servants. I came to Australia as a teenager where my Mother either did these things or we had hired help. I then married Wayne who did all the washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, driving. Then suddenly I moved into a flat on my own with no family within 150 kilometres and a child that needed to be fed and looked after! My learning curve in the last three years has been massive!

Back to the point. One day I will make someone a wonderful partner. I am now capable, hardworking, intelligent, funny, great in bed (!), thoughtful, considerate, opinionated, motivated. Now I will just sit back and wait for my knight to find me. :D

Stains != Friends

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 3:55 p.m.

PET HATE: When friends who spend hours online, and know you have an online diary, message you asking "So, how has your week been?". AARRGGHH!! I only want to regurgitate my thoughts once thanks very much. I find diaryland is a fantastic dumping ground for all that stuff that rolls around my head. The best thing is when I've written there is a clear space in the grey matter ready to be filled with another thought provoking piece of brilliance or at least a naughty idea!

What I don't need is do-gooders who pretend to be interested in my life but only seem to contact me when we have a Uni assignment due in a week that they haven't started, and then they try to make opening idle conversation asking me about my week when they're really just working up to the question of "Can I copy your assignment because I'm too fucking lazy to do it myself?"

If you are really interested in my life, which I know you're not, take the time to read my diary. Then you can come to me and make some conversation based on my diary which will show me that you're a friend in need of an assignment, not a STAIN who continues to use people without any intention of giving anything back.

You suck Rachel.

Sex and Stuff

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 11:22 p.m.

I haven't written for a while because I'm screwed up over Craig and didn't want to write about it until I knew how I felt but I guess that's not going to happen. It's up and down, fucking with my head, and driving me nuts as problems are wont to do.

So much right and so much wrong. Nothing more can happen, I'm sure of it - or am I? He was the lucky recipient of one of my amazing headjobs last week. Poor guy didn't know what hit him - he asked me the next morning "Can you get pregnant from doing that?" *grin* I think he's practically a virgin (he claims to have had a couple of drunken one night stands) but he doesn't have a clue what to do. That's not necessarily a problem - I'm sure I can teach him - but he's SO shy and reticent that it'll be a new millenium before I get to fuck him let alone get some oral action myself.

I don't often talk about sex in my diary, if you hadn't noticed. Probably because a couple of people from Uni read my diary and secondly because I talk about it a lot with friends (Clare is my talk-about-sex partner in crime) and therefore I try to use my diary to sort out my non-sexual thoughts. God forbid if I used it for my sexual ones ... there are far too many to discuss! :D

So anyway.. back to Craig. We had the 'oral sex incident' last week and since then there hasn't been any further action. Lots of flirting, and lots of spending time together, but no more physical action. Surprisingly (or maybe not) I have been turning down other 'getting laid' opportunities which come my way and the few that I have taken up are spent thinking about Craig! AARRGGHH.. get out of my head! I want my old fantasies back, especially the one about... ooops... forgot where I was for a minute.

I am constantly surprised by how much action a "fat chick" can get. The media tells us all the time that skinny is beautiful, but I have no shortage of opportunities for getting laid. If I want to, I can have sex 4 or 5 times a week with different people! Now don't worry, I don't, but the knowledge that I could is very powerful. When it comes down to it, what guys say they will screw and what they actually will is vastly different. I also have a theory that "fat girls are better fucks" although that's not always true, especially since I met one particular gf who isn't fat and I KNOW she'd be great in bed too. ;)

Too much information, I'm sure, and to those I know personally I apologise for your blushing.

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 10:27 p.m.

Here is a picture of me.

I don't think I look like that but apparently I do so there you go.

Some Pics

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 10:14 p.m.

The wonderful ms-do very kindly and wonderfully paid for me to have Gold Membership to diaryland so now I can upload some photos! Yay!

Here is my amazing wonderful child, David. t.

Computers are Evil

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 12:10 a.m.

I was driving home today after visiting a friend and I was looking for the Department of Transport that I knew was around my place somewhere and I took five wrong turns, stuck in traffic, always being in the wrong lane... you get the picture. Anyway, I was STILL driving and I went to find my mobile phone so that I could call Vodafone and ask them to tell me over the phone where the nearest Queensland Transport was on their premier pay Service Line, and I couldn't find my phone.

I started to panic thinking about all the numbers and reminders and messages were on that phone and how I really needed it because I had to communicate with people and David was going to ring me in fifteen minutes to tell me he was home from school. If he couldn't get a hold of me he would start to panic so I thought I would ring my friend from a public phone box and asked if I had left my phone there and then I would drive back so I started looking for a public telephone.

I must have driven up and down at least fifteen residential streets looking for a phonebox like there used to be a few years ago ... "when I was a kid" ... and I couldn't find one ANYWHERE. Eventually I found one outside a shop in a difficult-to-access corner of the carpark so then I went into the shop and bought a phone card and coins just in case the phone would only take one of them. So I went to the phone and went to ring my friend and then I realised that my friend's number was IN my mobile and I didn't have a clue what it could be! I remember a few years ago ... "when i was a kid" ... I used to know all my friends and families numbers because I never had a portable phone directory before so then I figured I would dial MY number and hope my friend answers and confirm that my phone was over there so I rang it and then remembered that my phone was on DISCREET mode because I didn't want it ringing while I was spending time with my friend and therefore my friend probably wouldn't hear it or pick it up.

I didn't know what to do so I went home and there on my filing cabinet was my phone. I was so glad to find it because the whole ordeal was over ... or was it?

I then remembered that I had to go to Queensland Transport! So I got out the printed white pages because that was the easiest way to do it a few years ago ... "when I was a kid" ... and found out the nearest Queensland Transport and got in the car again (with my phone) and drove there. I parked in the wrong section and had to walk right around the shopping centre to get to the building and then I had to wait in line to get a ticket and then I had to wait in line to have my ticket number read out like a deli line and then it took five minutes to make my purchase yet I was annoyed because the dot matrix printer was taking too long to print my receipt and then I left and walked right around the shopping centre again and got in the car and drove home.

Am I getting old? Life seemed easier before public phones started to disappear and I remembered numbers in my head and my son didn't have to walk home from school alone because he's from a one-parent family and I can't always be home on time and I worry between 2.30pm and 3.30pm until I get his phonecall.

I love progress. I love it so much that I'm studying a Bachelor of Information Technology so that I can build the machines that rob us of the ability to remember things, the need to communicate with others in person, the freedom to pick up my child after school.

Yay.