Relaxation
Friday, May. 19, 2006 - 11:59 a.m.
Quite amazing picture breakdown ... keeps going.
t.
Accident and Recovery
Wednesday, May. 17, 2006 - 2:05 p.m.
I had a car accident yesterday. I was in the right hand lane of a busy road, with my indicator on, waiting to turn right. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw this car flying towards me. The driver had his head turned away talking to his passenger. He looked up, saw me, slammed on the brakes but it was too late. He ploughed straight into the back of me. My car has a nasty bump in it, the hatch won't open but at least no lights are broken. The driver has already rung me with the claim number and of course there is no excess for me to pay. I'm really glad it didn't happen in the new car!
I've always been "iffy" about turning right. I actually change my route to avoid right turns wherever possible. (For American readers remember that's against the traffic!). When David found out about the accident he said "Thank goodness it wasn't a left turn otherwise we'd never be able to drive anywhere!"
I have been experiencing some of the symptoms of whiplash. Doctor tells me it should take about a week to subside. It comes in waves - I feel dizzy, sick, my head is fuzzy, I get hot and cold and my ears feel blocked. Then I feel fine. Then it comes back again. My neck is stiff but moveable. Hopefully it will be over by Monday week because I have an exam.
B came over today with pizza and fudge and took me out on a little excursion which was fun. I am so over waiting for this cheque. I've been excited for four weeks now with no satisfaction so now I'm almost to the point of "HAH! Whatever!". Of course when it does arrive I will be all happy and jumpy but I'm disheartened atm.
t.
E-Bay Adventure
Monday, May. 15, 2006 - 11:56 p.m.
So I have finally succumbed to the evils of E-bay.
Apart from all those boxed war games that my brother sent me to sell I also have other odds and ends around the house that need to go before I move. I was going to take them down to the local pawnshop but figured I'd give the ol' e-bay a whirl first. My uncle recently sold a sail boat on there so if he can figure out how to do it I should be fine!
Along with creating a sellers account, I've also registered for a PayPal account. All this trading online stuff is very new to me so hopefully I can figure it out. Any comments regarding success/failure with either Ebay or PayPal would be appreciated. This is one of the reasons I got a Visa Debit Card so that I could maintain small amounts of necessary funds in there without risking my entire savings account which, until this STUPID cheque comes through, isn't a great deal.
t.
It's life Jim, but not as we know it.
Monday, May. 15, 2006 - 1:12 a.m.
I've had a pretty quiet weekend seeing as we don't celebrate Mothers Day in my family. Of course David said Happy Mothers Day to me and I got an IM to the same effect but I didn't call my Mother and no presents were exchanged.
I recently obtained a Visa Debit card so that I can have the functionality of a credit card without the ridiculous interest plus I don't need the bank's money. I activated the card last week (after being disconnected twice), put some money on it and went to use it to buy groceries today. Didn't go through! Said my card had "expired". Luckily I had money in another account that I could use instead. Bank was apologetic about not having activated the card properly which was good but it was very embarrassing. :(
Had a strange encounter with a new neighbour (not in my block, the building next door). She is one of those 'delusional hopefuls' that constantly talk about how great their life will be when everything is handed to them on a silver platter. "I'm going to buy a car, it's only $3,000!" followed a few moments later by " ... and then I'll get my licence ... but I have to get more hours at work first." When I asked her where she worked she said "Oh at the moment I'm volunteering down at a retail store". She had the shakes really badly. She told me how she's been robbed four times and now owns nothing but she's starting again (which is a fair statement) but then said "They even stole my clothes .. I had thousands of t-shirts in all different colours and fabrics and shapes and they took them all". I felt like saying "Oh .. you mean this is when you didn't pay the rent on the last place and you did a runner" or maybe "Oh .. this is in your alternate dreamland universe where you're not an alcoholic on welfare?". Everytime she opened her mouth there was another stupid thing - "Oh .. so you're doing a degree. I see you spending so much time on your computer that I thought you were a gambling addict". What part of that sentence is supposed to endear me to her? Knowing she watches me so much, or that she thinks I'm a gambling addict? And of course within 15 minutes of plopping herself uninvited down on my couch and bumming a cigarette off of me she empties her life - three sons, age 17 to 21, has no contact with them but of course she's suing the government because they said she was an unfit mother. Then I hear about her broken relationship with her mother who is going overseas to live in India on Friday but needs to be back in February because her daughter is organising a family surprise. Of course the ex-husband was a pedophile who is now reformed but coincidentally lives one street over from us. When I offered her a cup of coffee she asked which type I had because she's fussy about her coffee (fair statement) but then squeals in delight when I pull out the plunger and declares she hasn't had plunger coffee in years. I guess being fussy about coffee to her means which home brand I had. *shudders at the thought*
So then she finally leaves and comes back five minutes later with a badly wrapped bunch of ... um ... stuff - used candles, loose pot pourri, half empty bottles of incense oil and a birthday card with nothing written inside it. W. T. F?
There are enough compassionate people in this world to exclude me from this duty. If I want to choose to give my energy to those less fortunate then I'll volunteer time to go somewhere to be of service to the community. I don't want to have this duty thrust upon me in my own home! I felt as though I couldn't leave the room ... I was constantly aware of where my purse and phone were.
I'm not concerned about my ability to keep her at bay. I know how to teach people how to treat me - that's not the issue. I actually feel sorry for her and wonder if it's our state's lack of mental health facilities that put these delusional, lonely, dysfunctional people in 'normal' living situations where they obviously don't have the capacity to thrive. Pity from me will not equal much support from me I'm afraid. I will be polite yet firm about my inability to entertain her need for a friend. It makes me appreciate my sound mind and amazing support network - the result of some hard work, some good choices and some luck.
t.
*hyperventilates in excitement*
Saturday, May. 13, 2006 - 10:59 a.m.
I have my exam timetable and my last exam, my last piece of assessment for my entire degree is:
27 June, 2006 at 8.30am for 3 hours
If anyone can tell me how to put in a countdown timer that would be great.
My other exam in on 22 June so nice gap between them.
I think a bunch of us who are finishing this semester are going for lunch after that exam which should be fun. I remember the day I finished Grade 12 I went home and ate a 2 litre tub of icecream as a celebration.
t.
There's change a'happenin!
Tuesday, May. 09, 2006 - 11:43 p.m.
I'm feeling restless. I have three weeks of lectures left then two exams over a three week period and I will have finished my degree. I can't quite believe it's so close - not another year, or another semester or another x units - just 6 weeks (with only three of those actual contact weeks).
I have that feeling of 'preparing for the occasion', that nesting feeling. I remember Clare had the same feeling when she was in her final semester. She was up the ladder cleaning mould off the ceiling of her house when I convinced her to go on a camping trip. I'm keeping my wits about me so that I don't agree to a similar adventure.
Just small things - I've cleaned the screens in my kitchen and bathroom. I've cleared out David's wardrobe and packed his small clothes in a bag for charity. I'm donating his school uniforms to a local refugee centre so that they can be given to a family. I'm stocktaking all the things I want to do around the house - sort out my books, clean out some drawers, select which kitchen items will survive the cleanout. I'm also aware that this could be part nesting, part procrastination due to the impending end of semester so I'm stopping myself doing anything that takes more than half a day.
I'm looking forward to:
* getting my haircut without worrying about the cost.
* moving.
* not having to pay $200 for a semester of parking.
* not having to pay $170 Student Guild fees for services I never used.
* using my computer purely for pleasure.
* feeling no guilt for watching TV or DVDs instead of studying.
* running out of excuses to smoke - no assessment, no stress, no excuse.
* having the time and energy to cook more meals.
* being able to shop and not add up the total in case I don't have enough.
I know some of these will change again when I start fulltime work but I'm going to enjoy them while they last.
The thing about moving is that I have been here for five years. I originally took the flat because it has very good security. This made me feel relatively* safe whilst Wayne was alive. Now that I no longer have that fear, I now see these burglar bars and screen doors as a bit of a cage. I want a verandah or a courtyard. I want to have an uninhibited view out my window now that I can actually look out a window and no longer expect to see his face there. David needs a bigger room and a bigger bed. I would really like a third bedroom for study/guestroom. I would like a separate kitchen/laundry and a separate shower/toilet. All these things will enable David and I to have more personal space now that he is getting older. I can't move until David finishes school this year because he is currently in walking distance so he can walk home if I can't pick him up yet I would love to be in a new place by Christmas which gives me a two week window to move! Eeep. Note to all those people I've moved this year ... mark this fortnight out in your diaries please!
So yeah. There is change in the air, my choices and sacrifices over the last three and a half years are about to be realised. I want this. I deserve this. I'm really going to enjoy all the good things that come my way.
t.
* Considering he had been to jail for break and enter and holding hostage my fears weren't completely alliviated but at least I knew he couldn't get in without making noise or damage.
I have that feeling of 'preparing for the occasion', that nesting feeling. I remember Clare had the same feeling when she was in her final semester. She was up the ladder cleaning mould off the ceiling of her house when I convinced her to go on a camping trip. I'm keeping my wits about me so that I don't agree to a similar adventure.
Just small things - I've cleaned the screens in my kitchen and bathroom. I've cleared out David's wardrobe and packed his small clothes in a bag for charity. I'm donating his school uniforms to a local refugee centre so that they can be given to a family. I'm stocktaking all the things I want to do around the house - sort out my books, clean out some drawers, select which kitchen items will survive the cleanout. I'm also aware that this could be part nesting, part procrastination due to the impending end of semester so I'm stopping myself doing anything that takes more than half a day.
I'm looking forward to:
* getting my haircut without worrying about the cost.
* moving.
* not having to pay $200 for a semester of parking.
* not having to pay $170 Student Guild fees for services I never used.
* using my computer purely for pleasure.
* feeling no guilt for watching TV or DVDs instead of studying.
* running out of excuses to smoke - no assessment, no stress, no excuse.
* having the time and energy to cook more meals.
* being able to shop and not add up the total in case I don't have enough.
I know some of these will change again when I start fulltime work but I'm going to enjoy them while they last.
The thing about moving is that I have been here for five years. I originally took the flat because it has very good security. This made me feel relatively* safe whilst Wayne was alive. Now that I no longer have that fear, I now see these burglar bars and screen doors as a bit of a cage. I want a verandah or a courtyard. I want to have an uninhibited view out my window now that I can actually look out a window and no longer expect to see his face there. David needs a bigger room and a bigger bed. I would really like a third bedroom for study/guestroom. I would like a separate kitchen/laundry and a separate shower/toilet. All these things will enable David and I to have more personal space now that he is getting older. I can't move until David finishes school this year because he is currently in walking distance so he can walk home if I can't pick him up yet I would love to be in a new place by Christmas which gives me a two week window to move! Eeep. Note to all those people I've moved this year ... mark this fortnight out in your diaries please!
So yeah. There is change in the air, my choices and sacrifices over the last three and a half years are about to be realised. I want this. I deserve this. I'm really going to enjoy all the good things that come my way.
t.
* Considering he had been to jail for break and enter and holding hostage my fears weren't completely alliviated but at least I knew he couldn't get in without making noise or damage.
Meme
Saturday, May. 06, 2006 - 2:13 p.m.
-
Saturday, May. 06, 2006 - 1:58 p.m.
"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer ..."
-- Rainer Maria Rilke, in 'Letters to A Young Poet'
Dude, Where's my Beer?
Saturday, May. 06, 2006 - 1:40 a.m.
I don't know if there is a psychological or sociological word for this behaviour. I don't even know if anyone else has noticed it, but I witness it all the time.
It's about alcohol, particularly the consumption of it in a group situation where the supply is limited. I've seen this at BBQs/parties and again witnessed it in the Big Brother house tonight.
For those who don't already know, I've never been drunk. I've been a little tipsy on a couple of occasions but never been out of control/vomiting/slurring drunk. I do drink, but just never had the opportunity or comfort level to go any further. I can have alcohol in my fridge for months and I can (and do) stop at one. I never drink alone.
What I find fascinating is how a group of people can start an evening all friendly sharing drinks, everyone is happy and swapping stories, all best friends. Then someone notices that the supply of alcohol is dwindling, there is now a cap on the number of drinks each person is 'entitled' to consume and it has to be rationed out. I've seen people justify their need: "Oh .. there's only one glass left. I guess we should share it but I've had a long day so ... " and leave the sentence open hoping the other person will say go ahead. Or they start rationalising their right to it: "It takes more than x drinks to get me drunk so I should really be entitled to this last one". People also suddenly become very possessive of their drinks - the hand tightens around the bottle/glass and their awareness of how much alcohol everyone else has is heightened. The suspicious glances are swapped - a visual assessment of the quantity each person has had or a reasoning as to who could go and get more alcohol. I've been in situations where it didn't matter how much alcohol was in the house, it was all consumed before the end of the night. Once we bought a carton of bourbon cans and two bottles of spirits (with mixes) between three of us - I went to bed early after a couple but the other two sat up and drank until it was all gone. I just don't understand this!
I don't understand alcoholism but I acknowledge it as a disease. I think it is similar to an eating disorder - it's not what you eat/drink or how much you eat/drink but WHY you do it. What are the triggers? When do you do it? What are you feeling before you make the decision that the action feeds?
There are pubs here in Queensland that have playgrounds attached to them. This makes my blood run cold. I just don't see how parents can justify sitting at a bar drinking/playing the pokies while their children are being babysat by an unsupervised playground situated in a potentially violent environment. Okay so I allow David to spend time on his computer and that is a form of babysitting but at least I'm here to feed/water and nurture him at a seconds notice. There are also no irrational, irate strangers here whom I have no control over.
I'm getting distracted. The point of this was to mention the "oh no we're running out of alcohol" group dynamic. Fascinating to watch. It doesn't happen at pubs/clubs (I've worked in them before) - it's just interesting to see a group of friends go from a closely bonded unit to suspicious acquaintances.
t.
Hee Hee
Friday, May. 05, 2006 - 11:03 a.m.
t.
Sookie Cry Baby
Thursday, May. 04, 2006 - 1:30 a.m.
I'm feeling a little flat - a little sad, disappointed, anxious. The tears that I've been holding back since late this afternoon are surfacing and I guess it's okay to let them go now.
I was called by David's teacher this afternoon to pick him up from school camp. The camp went for four nights but he only managed one. The good news is that he did not display any violent or inappropriate behaviour (swearing etc); he just calmly and rationally told her that he can't stay at camp. For that I am proud of him. I guess too that he also managed the hour long bus trip, sharing a dorm with 4 others and participated in canoeing and raft building.
When I got there he said that the noise level, the smell of the drop toilets (not flushable, just a hole in the ground) and the high degree of difficulty of the physical tasks were just getting him down. It's okay ... I guess. It just highlighted for me that he isn't NORMAL, he isn't AVERAGE but he is DIFFERENT. How often does a kid not want to go and stay at school camp? What bonding will he miss out on by not being there? Me coming out to camp to pick him up just highlights to me, to him, to everyone there that his Aspergers DISABLES him from being like everyone else.
I hate saying these things. I know I shouldn't use the word 'disability' and I know the bullshit about 'what is normal' and I know he's special and wonderful in his own way but sometimes I just wanna stamp my feet and say "It's not fair! I want to have a child that loves going on camp! I don't want to be the parent who has to pick him up less than a quarter the way in!"
It comes back to grieving for the child I'll never have, the child I just assumed that I would be given. I grieved that when I got the diagnosis and I thought I had worked through that but really grief can come back and slap your face quicker than an icecream cone melts in a sauna.
He won't see my cry. I've been supportive. He did his best, chose the right way of doing it. It's not his fault. But I still want someone, something to blame. I want to beat my fists futiley and just be a crybaby sookie pants and be irrational about it. I want to FEEL it instead of just explaining it away like it's something to be shrugged off and just accepted like poverty in Africa.
It's not like I have a choice in the matter. No amount of sookie cry baby will change my situation, so it's my attitude that needs to be changed but FUCK IT! it sucks and it's not fair and I'll cry if I want to.
t.