Life Goes On

What is Woot?
Friday, Jan. 20, 2006 - 10:03 a.m.
(brother) Adam: Is woot just an onomatopoeia for a siren or is it some nerdy acronym?

Me: its a nerdy onomatopoeia for a siren.

t.

Facts > Feelings
Friday, Jan. 20, 2006 - 12:37 a.m.
I've just this minute finished a great read - "The Other Side of the Story" by Marian Keyes. I borrowed it when my holidays started but only opened it at the beginning of the week. Loved it!

Doing some database work for a beauty therapy company over the next month. They have given me some lovely products and a half day treatment voucher so that should be fun when I have some time to myself.

My 20yo stepson Travis (Wayne's oldest son) contacted me on Monday night after refusing to speak to me since the funeral over two years ago. We spent time together on Tuesday night and it was really lovely to reconnect with him. I've known him since he was 5.

There are a couple of more depressing matters on my mind atm but I'm just gonna push them away for now until I have the energy/guts to face them. Denial is a river in Egypt.

t.

Fwd: Think Before You Speak
Sunday, Jan. 15, 2006 - 9:19 p.m.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

4. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Stacy where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

t.

We're Twins!
Sunday, Jan. 15, 2006 - 1:34 a.m.

Oh yeah forgot to mention ... when we were at the movies today I looked at David - he was wearing green khaki shorts, a black t-shirt with white writing. Then I looked at my clothes - green khaki 3/4 cargos, black t-shirt, white writing.

That's just embarrassing.

t.

-
Saturday, Jan. 14, 2006 - 10:19 p.m.

"To be or not to be. That's not really a question." -- Jean-Luc Godard

t.

Righting my Vitamin D Deficiency
Saturday, Jan. 14, 2006 - 10:00 p.m.
Had a pretty decent day. Thanks to the purchase of World of Warcraft my son has been completely occupied for the last 36 hours leaving me to feed him occasionally and relax for the rest of the time. I decided this afternoon that we both needed some sunshine, that enemy of the geek family, so we went to the movies. Yes, okay, it's not exactly an outdoor activity but we were in the sun between the car and the ticket box!

We bought popcorn and David was staring intently at the box. "Don't you hate advertised stereotypical families?" he said, showing me the popcorn box which had a picture of Mum, Dad plus two kids, one girl, one boy (of course). He continued: "I mean, it's not like you can't be a happy family with just two of you." My popcorn has never tasted better.

Watched Nanny McPhee which was very enjoyable, then I bought a kebab for dinner, Davey had Maccas, came home, watched two hours of Gilmore Girls and now I feel very relaxed and satisfied and thinking that life doesn't just go on, life is great.

I also discovered the pleasure of 'My Yahoo' so I customised that. I've noticed that my bookmarks are a complete mess and really need to be sorted. This is a round-a-bout way of saying that I am procrastinating. There are three things that I really need to do - write the stat dec for Wayne's last remaining superannuation death benefit, burn a dvd of parents holiday photos and catalogue the war games which are in the garage so that the Victorian company can give me a price. The war games will have to wait until tomorrow because there is no way I am going to garage at night. The other two I can probably do tonight if I get off this blog and get on with it.

t.

-
Saturday, Jan. 14, 2006 - 1:06 p.m.
My Stars Today - interesting!

Cancer
Jun 22 - Jul 22

The risk of rapid endings and chapters closing should in no way pose a threat to you. Welcome the idea of change as healthy and necessary in your path of spiritual growth at this time. Not all relationships are meant to last and especially those in which the other person is so indecisive. Don't build your dreams on false hopes. Better to let a house of cards collapse and begin again.

I hear a foghorn ... boring!
Thursday, Jan. 12, 2006 - 11:59 p.m.
It's been a slow and lazy week since Monday as my blog attests. I did however finalise my enrolment for next semester and email tagged my brother in a vain attempt to assist him with SQL. Rob is in Sydney with his kids for about a month so very few late night msn convos. I have resumed walking with Clare in the mornings which is great - we went twice this week and will go for three times next week. My car needs new brakes which are being done on Tuesday. I get paid tomorrow. I've been sleeping heaps and eating little. Now you know why I haven't been blogging.

t.

Do I get the key to the city now?
Monday, Jan. 09, 2006 - 8:38 p.m.
Brisbane Airport, 9 January 1985.

A family of four gets off a plane, collects their 22 suitcases and starts their new life.

Today is the coming-of-age anniversary of my family coming to Australia. 21 years ago today we arrived in Brisbane and stayed in an immigration hostel at Kangaroo Point. I've been back to the hostel recently - seen the tiny flat we stayed in for five days and the old wooden hall where the meals were served. It feels like 10 years ago, maybe less? Even though that doesn't make sense considering I have an 11 year old son but still ... 21 years has gone too quickly. Being 13 when I arrived I have therefore lived more than half my life in this new country and it is getting harder to remember that I wasn't born here.

My parents left everything they knew and arrived in a new place with a couple of suitcases, two teenage kids and one job. It was as though we were refugees except that Dad had a job. Still, we couldn't go back to where we came from and we had no choice other than to stay and make a life here. It was Dad's decision to come to Australia. He believed in his heart that we could make it but still it would have been very difficult for both of them.

21 years. Unbelievable.

t.

What Kind of Drug Are You?
Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 - 12:22 p.m.
Take the quiz:
what kind of drug are you?

weed.
you are weed.you are laid back, relaxed and outgoing.

Decisions, Decisions
Thursday, Jan. 05, 2006 - 3:18 p.m.

I've done absolutely nothing today! Well, apart from blowing up David's 3D graphics card in his computer, but i'm still in my pj's and have been on the couch since i woke up.

I've decided not to do another project as a subject next semester. Instead, I'll take a structured unit with a lecture and prac time. I'm already enrolled to do:

ITB223 Software Development with Oracle
This unit aims to develop a sound understanding of database creation, installation, administration, management, security, back up/recovery and application development. The unit aims to develop practical skills in each of these elements, using appropriate Oracle software.

Now I need to find another subject which is on in semester one and is a day unit. The choices are:

ITB223 Enterprise Systems Application (i.e. SAP)
The unit enables students to experience both the business analyst view and the user's view of the system across a number of business processes which includes elements of the configuration activities.

ITB267 Business Analytics (i.e. Data Warehousing)
This unit introduces you to three key areas. Development methods for data-driven Decision Support Systems, the principles of data warehousing leading to efficient reporting tools and business analytics.

These are the only two that are in my area of interest AND are on during the day. I also considered Information Management, Info Quality and Business Process Engineering but they all have night lectures. :(

I feel like decluttering my house. I might start with my wardrobe which is packed full of stuff - old paperwork, heaters, old computers. I never use it for clothes and it's about time I did. It's bad feng shui to have clutter. I have about six weeks of holidays left and really should use some of them for something other than relaxing.

t.

2005 Wrap Up
Monday, Jan. 02, 2006 - 8:24 p.m.

* Was 2005 a good year for you?
Yes it was. A year of Emotional Growth where i became a better friend, a better Mother and i hope a better daughter.

* What was your least favorite moment of the year?
David getting suspended in first term for racial slurs on a teacher. :(

* Where were you when 2005 began?
Up at Caloundra and trying to break into the Woodford Folk Festival.

* Who were you with?
I was with Susan!

* Did you move in 2005?
No ... been here 5 years in April, longest I've lived in one place as an adult.

* Did you have sex with anyone in 2005?
Yes.

* Did you make any new LJ friends in 2005?
Yes!

* Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Wayne. My Mum and Dad. Paulette. Yen.

* What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Harry Potter Goblet of Fire.

* What was your favorite song from 2005?
Avril Lavigne, Anything But Ordinary. It wasn't released this year but I played it a lot. :)

* Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
No.

* Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
Not a lot, just a few ;)

* How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
Not as many as the year before.

* How much money did you spend in 2005?
No more than I had.

* What was your proudest moment of 2005?
David agreeing to be Santa in the class play.

* What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
The day I was really stressed and i barged up to the school and abused teh poor teacher and then stormed out yelling and swearing down the hallway at the top of my voice. :(

* What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Joined LJ.

* Did someone close to you give birth?
Clare's friend Monique had a baby boy, but she is just an acquaintance of mine.

* Did anyone close to you die?
No.

* What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
My degree :)

* What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
10 December, the day my parents returned safely from overseas.

* What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Passing my Advanced SQL subject with a Credit after failing it once.

* Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. Except for a little bit of Toowoomba allergy. ;)

* What was the best thing you bought?
David's laptop.

* Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter, slightly.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer, but I'm okay with that considering the previous income stream.

* Did you fall in love in 2005?
No.

* How many one-night stands?
Not many.

* What was your favorite TV program?
Survivor, Third Watch.

* What was the best book you read?
The entire Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich.

* What was your greatest musical discovery?
The electric guitar, including Joe Satriani, Rainbow, Rush and of course the music according to Rob ;)

* What did you want and get?
A healthier perspective on my sexuality.

* What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I don't think I did anything. I turned 34.

* How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Same as always - boring, casual, daggy, comfortable.

* What kept you sane?
My safe, comfortable home where i can be myself. My castle.

* What political issue stirred you the most?
The riots at Cronulla.

* Who was the best new person you met?
Rob ;)

* Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
Shutting down emotionally is a cowardly and pointless way of dealing with emotions, especially when it's done to people that wish you no harm and can make a positive contribution to my life.

* Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"To walk within the lines would make my life so boring | I want to know that I have been to the extreme |
So knock me off my feet come on now give it to me | Anything to make me feel alive"
Avril Lavigne - Anything But Ordinary

Thanks for your company this year.

t.

2005 ==> 2006
Sunday, Jan. 01, 2006 - 11:10 p.m.
I have pasted the goals I wrote on 1 January 2005. Let's see how I did.

Counsel David through Grade 6, keep him focused and happy. Maintain his routine and try to extend his comfort zone a little wider to include new social situations.
This was a lot harder than first thought. His teacher was an absolute bitch and he had a tough year but he got through it with only one suspension in first semester so I guess I achieved that. He hasn't included new social situations outside of my friends but I guess I have noticed an improvement in his overall acceptance of being in social situations so that's good.


Have healthier relationships with people in my life. Listen to the alarm bells of bad situations before it escalates to a point of no return. Protect myself from negativity. Try harder to have empathy for others rather than shut down emotionally.
I have re-established freindships with three people that I had previously shut down emotionally. That's gotta be good. Now I just have to learn not to shut them down in the first place! It took me 5 weeks to listen to the alarm bells with do-gooder but at least I'm out of that situation now! Still needs work but I have improved.


Appreciate my Mother more. Realise that she may not be around for as long as I would like. Try to let her know more often that I love her. Try to accept and forgive her for all her oddities.
This hasn't really been proven as she has only been home for a couple of weeks but Christmas wasn't bad ... we kinda agreed to disagree. Her oddities have now extended to blatant bigotry and narrow-mindedness, Liberal with a capital L (as in the government not the ideology) and I find her sweeping generalisations covering an entire religious movement infuriating. This is a lot harder to accept than her oddity of hoarding and shopping for comfort. By the sounds of this last paragraph I don't think I've achieved this one. I'll add it to this year's list.


Continue the walking with ms-do. Not for weight-loss purposes - I don't care about that - but just because I feel great when I'm walking every morning. It pumps my blood and shoots adrenalin into my system.
:( Well, this one has not been achieved since June. We do intend to start again ... will just have to get organised and overcome the hurdles of her moving house and starting a new job. Will have to add this one to the new list.


Continue to be financially debt free.
ACHIEVED!

Without needing a self-imposed celibacy, remind myself that I am not my sexuality. I do not need to sleep with someone just to get their attention. Have positive, healthy friendships with men that don't revolve around sex. Let sex become one of many activities I do with one person, rather than the one activity I do with many people.
ACHIEVED! I have that atm with Rob and will continue to follow this rule even if he is no longer in my life.

t.

WORST. NYE. EVER.
Sunday, Jan. 01, 2006 - 1:56 p.m.
I had absolutely the worst NYE ever.

So I agreed to babysit for a 'friend' who was really a member of an online group of which I am a member. I had met her once before, briefly, through another friend but that was about it. I was going to just rant on my soapbox as I'm known to do but instead I thought I would try a Mad Magazine format so here for your pleasure is:

"Long Winded Rant Reply to a Stupid Question"

So she comes home and looks at me and says "So, do you want some money?"

I wish I had said:

* No really, I loved giving up my NYE to look after your three attention-starved children in your filthy house which is the way it is they tell me because you are ALWAYS on the internet.

* No, keep your money. You need it to buy more alcohol because the kids tell me you drink every day and bring your drunk friends over here and laugh and fuck around and forget to put them to bed.

* No, please use the money to buy some food for your kids, even though they have to cook every meal for themselves as they have been doing for the past year since your last boyfriend left you and you're so desperate for a new one that you get online and hunt hoping to find someone to support you and hold you up because you're too spineless to engage in your life on your own.

* No, i would much rather you use the money to hire a cleaner or better still a skip bin and get rid of the CRAP all over your house so that i had nowhere to sit, the kids ate on the floor, your seven year old girl couldn't even go to bed because her room is so piled up with stuff that she couldn't even get to the bed, the garage is stacked with stuff so that my car couldn't even get anywhere near the carport, the sink was so full of dirty dishes i had to rinse three plates so that your kids could eat and the cat had shit on the floor because it has the common sense to run away whenever you open the door so you keep it permanently locked up inside.

* No, really I would prefer you to use the money to sterilise yourself so that your child abuse, child neglect, child ignorance and child starvation can be restricted to the three amazing children you have now.

* No, you really should buy a watch with that money because when you said you would home by 3am so that i could return to my life and my clean house and get some sleep before my luncheon with real friends today you seemed to not have access to a watch and instead returned at 5am without an apology, explanation of how the car broke down or you were detained in some way that would justify your complete disregard for my life and my plans and my autistic child that i had been watching the clock since 3am wishing, wanting, needing to go home away from the filth and the stench.

* No, please use the money for your pyromaniac son's court costs - you know, the one who thinks drinking alcohol is cool because all his friends were getting drunk tonight and obviously realises that the only way to get your attention is by doing the wrong thing because good behaviour can never compete for your attention against the internet.

* No, you should use the money to get your seven year old daughter counselling because she finally was able to tell an interested adult how her school breakup party went three weeks ago when she ate too many lollies but had fun anyway and she's been waiting to tell someone about all the friends who will be in her class next year but unfortunately mummy is too busy with her drunken friends and online lovers to ever ask.

* No, that money would be far better used on Etiquette Classes for your oldest son who thinks it's funny to insult my weight and make jokes like "You'd make a panda bear look like a twig".

But of course I said "No, its okay. It was my pleasure."

*sigh*

When I agreed to babysit I posted to the group saying "as a broke student who has no other plans it would be mutually beneficial for me to babysit for you NYE". She even posted to the group saying that professional babysitters had quoted $150 for the night. So what part of that communication did not suggest that was expecting to be paid? But instead she turns around and asks me in front of the kids and two other female friends there "So, do you want money?" immediately placing the onus on me to look like a bad person by saying Yes.

One good thing came out of last night.

I now know that no matter what anyone says, I AM A GOOD MOTHER. I would never expose my child to anything I have listed above. If he didn't realise it before now, my son knows how important he is to me. I don't believe he will ever whinge about my parenting skills again! He missed nothing last night. He understands that raising him to be a good, positive, loved child is the most important thing to me. I will never again feel guilty for taking an hours nap in the afternoon when my house is clean, my son is fed and hugged. It has also been reiterated to me why I don't drink in excess. I am grateful that I have a soul that is happy to exist as a single person. I'm thankful to my Mother for making me realise that I am a whole person on my own and that a relationship with someone else is a choice, not a requirement, to a happy life.

I have a luncheon to attend. When I get back tonight I will do my "2005 in Review". And tomorrow, I might even call the Department of Children's Services.

t.

-
Friday, Dec. 30, 2005 - 11:31 p.m.


In the year 2006 I resolve to:

Sell myself on ebay.



Get your resolution here


Ignorance can be Bliss
Friday, Dec. 30, 2005 - 3:23 a.m.

Whilst staying with my parents, Dad and I were watching Third Watch and there was a scene where the police officers attend a domestic dispute. Dad commented that I would know how that feels and that i should tell him about it some day.

This surprised me .. i replied that he really didn't want to know because it would make him ill to hear it. My Dad fought in the Rhodesian War of Independence 1965 to 1980 and I'm sure he has had some horrific experiences, but I know he doesn't need to know what I went through.

Dad then reminded me of one Easter time when I visited them in Toowoomba with David. On the Sunday morning that I was to return to Brisbane, to my horrible life, to my three jobs and my unsafe home Dad came into the bedroom to see if my stuff was ready to be packed in the car and I was sitting on the bed crying. "I just don't want to go back" I told him. I can only imagine how that must have felt for him.

I live in Australia, where there are laws protecting spouses from domestic violence. I had a supportive family. I had my own money. There are charities and organisations and law courts to protect spouses in my situation. So why couldn't I do something about it there and then, instead of waiting another two years?

I still don't know why I stayed as long as I did. I knew the day I got married that it wouldn't last and I promised myself I would be out by the time I was 30. (I left at 29 and a half).

From the day I met him I knew he had potential. He was charismatic. I could see good in him and believed that I could 'change' him and that through nurturing he would 'come right'. I wanted to save him and show everyone else what I saw. I needed to give everything I had, every ounce of energy, so that when I did inevitably walk away I could go with the conviction that I tried everything to make it work.

Some of the lows were so bad that I will never talk about them. They are locked away in a corner of my soul never to see the light of day. Even now I am pushing them away from my conscious thought refusing to acknowledge them. Others are less horrific - such as having to move 25 times in 5 years to 18 different towns because he never quite got the concept of paying rent. Pawning stuff in my name to support his alcohol addiction. Having sex with him after his abuse just so that he would fall asleep and stop hurting me. The embarrassment of seeing pity in the eyes of the police officers who attended when i said that I didn't want to (read: couldn't) press charges. Having to apologise to friends and workplaces for his behaviour. Asking my work to record the 143 voicemail messages on my work phone in case I needed them as court evidence. Sitting in front of my boss of two days when he showed me the 11 pages of naked photos of me that Wayne had sent him, and 15 other people around the world. Admitting to work that they probably should employ a security guard to stand outside my door and escort me to lunch on 'bad days'. I think I'll stop there; this can't be good for me.

Note to Dad: Trust me. If seeing me crying on the bed because I didn't want to go home hurt you, you really don't want to hear what happened. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

t.