Wayne. What can I say. Loved him. Hated him. Married him. Divorced him. He was amazing, wonderful, fantastic, terrible, a bastard. I loved his highs and I loathed his lows. He was never boring. Always extreme. I loved his spontaneous camping trips when he would wake up the household at midnight with the car packed ready to go because he couldn't sleep in his manic state. Everyone would bundle in the car and wake up in Bundaberg. He would set up my chair, hand me a drink and a smoke, light the fire, organise the fishing lines and then sit down next to me. I never said it but since seeing the movie I think the line "Hows the serenity" reminds me of those times.

Then I remember the bar fights, the screaming. Coming home from work to find the TV had gone to the pawn shop and he was nowhere to be found (only because I didn't bother checking the pub). Stumbling in drunk at 3am, usually bleeding and cursing about some c*nt that was pissing him off. I want to stop thinking about the bad. So I sit and think, trying to remember the good and they're harder to find.

We once hitchhiked from Charters Towers to Brisbane - some 1500 kms (1000 miles). We had no money, no cigarettes and one bottle of water. I had my teddy bear in the backpack facing out and I'm sure he was partly responsible for us getting lifts. I told him the rice crispy joke which went for four hours.

We used to go camping on the Longreach River (well I don't think it's called that but it's 5km from Longreach so that'll do). Sit up all night, catching catfish, devouring the "6 pack and 1/2 kilo prawns for $10" that we got from the local pub. In the morning we would either walk back into town mustering the cattle or, if we were ... um .. "lucky" we caught a ride on the back of the ute of the kangaroo shooter with the bloody carcasses.

23 moves, 18 different towns in five years. At least I saw two states of Australia.

We got married at 6.00 AM. Yes. A.M. Prior to gettng married we used to go and have a smorgasbord breakfast at a local hotel and that was why we decided to have it for our wedding reception. All you can eat bacon, eggs, croissants, etc with Wedding Cake and coffee for morning tea. It was perfect. My family attended and put on brave faces. I thank them for that.

One thing I am sure of and will never forget is that Wayne never had an affair on me. I don't know how I know that I just do. I never never had one either. Sexually we were very compatible. I remember the first night we met he came back to my place, spent the night and the next morning he had to ask my flat mate "What the fuck's her name again?"

He had a funny way of saying things. Pumpkin was always "punkin". Condoms = comdoms. When he wanted something finished or done he would say "lock it, stock it and barrell it". He loved to take us swimming - either at Redcliffe or Southbank and during Summer we would be there everyday. He was extremely agile - weighed something like 60kgs, ran 15 kilometres a day and strived to have the body of Bruce Lee. He knew he would never reach that perfection but that was the target. Shimmy up a coconut tree, climb the rotunda at Southbank and do a backflip off it into the pool. Followed by an argument with the lifeguard on why he shouldn't be able to that.

I got the phone call on Monday the 17th of November 2003. He was in intensive care at Nambour hospital after a failed hanging attempt. His parents needed me to bring David to the hospital so that they could turn the machines off. He had been without air for 8 minutes. He died the next day and was buried on the 20th, the day before his 17 year old son's birthday.

I guess I fell in love with his manic state and his potential. A hard lesson to learn. I know now that the man you meet is the man you marry, exactly how he is. There is no amount of love, tenderness, care, devotion, effort or money that can fix or change or mould him into the man you want him to be.

Life is easier since his death. I won't list how because this is supposed to be a positive reflection. I still miss him though. I miss his compliments and adoration of me (albeit manic induced). I miss knowing that he could protect me from anyone (except himself). I miss him being proud of me. I miss his uncanny 'sixth sense' of people which proved right everytime. I miss him caring for me - cooking dinner when I was tired, taping my favourite program and entertaining the kids while I have five minutes off. I miss his wacky dancing style, usually outside the car at red traffic lights while the kids cringe in the car yelling "DAD!!!" I miss watching him at the playground running around effortlessly with the kids, making monster noises or pushing them on the roundabout until they're sick. Physically life was easier when he was alive because he had the energy of five people.

He impacted on my life in so many ways. He gave me a gorgeous son who has inherited his good looks - especially his amazing blue eyes. He took away my rose coloured glasses and taught me the harsh realities of life outside of middle-class suburbia. I just shivered ... I feel as though he's around me right now. He pushed me to do the degree I wanted to do and be my own person rather than the moulded, stale, manufactured daughter my parents wanted.

I don't regret my life with him. But I'm not sorry he's gone. Thankyou Wayne for my life experience. I hope your next life is happier than this one was for you. Maybe we will meet again.

Love, T.xxx