Life Goes On

I <3 being a student!

Thursday, Mar. 24, 2005 - 10:50 p.m.

What on this earth would make the normally lovely Ms-Do tell me to GET FUCKED!

I was taken aback, aghast. I thought we were friends? Maybe she doesn't want to walk with me anymore? Maybe it's because she's out partying with her 'real' girlfriends tonight?

Or maybe it was because I rang her at noon today when she was at work. She asked me what I was doing. I told her I was sitting on the couch, in my shorts, eating Subway and a doughnut, watching Dr. Phil.

She loves me.

Must I Move My Own Cheese?

Thursday, Mar. 24, 2005 - 3:10 p.m.

There's a big difference between thinking and believing. As much as I think I will spend my life working in IT I have a belief deep inside me that I have a greater purpose.

If you haven't realised it by now, I'm not religious. This is not some sort of vocation written down in the book of life that I'm referring to. This will not be a calling from God that will become apparent in some bolt of lightening.

I had a dream a while back and I don't know if I wrote about it but I told a couple of close people and this dream was reinforced for me today. In my dream, I was some type of crusader helping the parents of women trapped in domestically violent relationships. [Insert standard disclaimer about women not being the only victims in DV situations]. There are so many support services out there for the victims, but there aren't any for the parents. In my dream, I was advising and assisting the parents on the successful techniques my parents used and the pitfalls to avoid in our combined endeavour to help their child and their grandchildren.

Today a neighbour came over to try and sell me a pyramid scheme business. I unpolitely declined so the conversation deviated and it turns out that his daughter is currently in a DV situation. I found myself advising him on ways that they can help her successfully without feeding the problem. I realised that it's something I'm very passionate about ... I get worked up and I speak about it with absolute confidence that I know what I'm talking about. It's not one of those situations where you don't really know the facts and you're trying to recall something you read in Newsweek to try and sound intelligent - this came from my soul and I spoke with conviction.

We place so much emphasis on traditional and institute learning ... having a degree, completing high school, getting an apprenticeship. Yes those are important - I'm not about to quit Uni - but I think that we neglect to acknowledge the LIFE SKILLS that we acquire through plain old living. What did we learn from our childhood that could assist us, or others, in our adult life? What have we learnt from our marriage that others might benefit from? Embrace your experiences, both positive and negative, instead of wallowing in self pity.

36 hours for an answer

Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2005 - 6:48 p.m.

I received a few more texts from D last night. One of them expressed a hope that I hadn't been with anyone else since we had last been together! After a few texts he called me - from Hong Kong. We didn't talk about fidelty but he was in a very mellow mood saying he missed me and was looking forward to returning to Aus.

I just don't know what this means, or what the answer is. The way I see it, you're either FB's or you're in a committed relationship as in boyfriend/girlfriend. The FB thing has worked for me for the past 4+ years simply because it is emotion free and I intended to keep it that way until I met someone worthy of having me as their girlfriend.

Also, at my age and with a child I can't enter into a gf/bf situation without some sort of belief that it will become something more. Unlike a teenager, I can't just 'test someone out' for a couple of months and see how it goes - once I introduce a potential partner to my child they have some sort of influence on him. I also believe that the way I interact in a relationship is modelling for my child and he will learn how to behave in relationships from my choices.

Obviously David doesn't know about my FBs. Yes, he met T, but I made that decision because despite the short time we spent together he was a good person, a good male influence on David, and I knew he would be before they were introduced. David, however, knew all along that T and I were not "together" in a traditional sense but that we were friends and that T spent nights over here because we couldn't go to his place.

So where does that leave me with D's question? I'm seeing him on Thursday and I have a feeling that he will bring up the issue of "Are you sleeping with anyone else?" I don't see the point in being FBs and not seeing other people. What is the benefit to me for giving up other opportunities, and the opportunity to meet my life partner, if he's not prepared to offer me this? But then I also get the feeling that he hates the idea of me being with other people. It's strange though because the idea of him sleeping with other women doesn't even cross my mind! I have always assumed that he does, and it doesn't bother me. Ages ago we agreed to have exclusive unprotected sex with each other and I guess I therefore assumed he was fucking others else he would have mentioned it then? The question I have is .. does he dislike the idea of me with others because he feels an emotional connection? Or is it just the idea of the physical act and him being with me after someone else?

I need to understand where I stand on this before Thursday. I need to have my answer. I think my answer is "It's either FBs or it's bf/gf". Of course the other option which he might give is "neither" in which case I need to decide if I'm prepared to risk his friendship/sex for the sake of my wants.

* sigh * Another part of me suggests that maybe I'm not allowing the emotional part of me to admit that I would love something more with him. The problem is that I feel as though I'm not good enough for him - what on earth would make a rich, good looking, successful, intelligent, interesting man want with me? :(

Me? Unemotional? Never!

D is for Dollar, Delight and Delusional!

Sunday, Mar. 20, 2005 - 9:57 p.m.

I exchanged text messages with D last night. I told him that my pussy thought my phone was disconnected because it's been too long between 'visits'. That man constantly surprises me.

We first met about two years ago - I had just started Uni, given up fulltime work, so I placed an ad with my skills hoping for some casual work. He replied to the ad, we met up, got on really well and have been friends and fuck buddies ever since.

The morning I got the phone call about Wayne's suicide I was actually meeting D - he turned up about five minutes after the phone call - so he was the first person to find out after my call to my parents.

He is quietly spoken, neatly yet casually dressed, not pretentious at all. He has a tone of arrogance about him, but not to the point of annoying. He doesn't talk about how great he is or how rich or successful he is - that information just kinda exudes out of him in general conversation. When I first met him, I knew he managed a business in Brisbane but I guess I just assumed it was small to medium sized with average turnover and always struggling to make the profit margin big enough to continue trading for another 12 months. It was when I realised he drove at least three different cars and had a mobile phone worth over $2,000 that I started to realise the 'business' was probably something a little more.

Whether intentional or not, snippets of information are given - he is personal friends with the Mayor of Brisbane, he has a 64ft yacht, he owns the company, he has international clients. He was around here one afternoon and had to fly to Sydney for business. I asked him when his flight was and he said "I haven't booked - I just turn up at the airport and jump on the next commuter plane out." That must cost a lot more than booking three weeks in advance? All his sales staff have company cars and company mobiles - that's why I've seen him in three different cars - all new models.

So I was texting him last night and he is in China. CHINA?! And it wasn't a big deal for him ... "in China, back next week, then back to China on Friday" like it's an everyday occurence. I am usually unimpressed by financial strength. My Mother is very materialistic and judges a person's worth on their asset-gathering, earning capacity and social status. I have rejected that view ever since meeting Wayne and now all I ask is that a man in my life can support himself so that I don't have to work three jobs to support him like I did for Wayne and his son Travis. But I can't help but be amazed and surprised and I guess impressed at D's wealth. Looking at him physically, it's obvious that he wears good quality clothes and takes care of himself (gym, grooming etc) but his wealth is not obvious.

I find this whole thing really flattering - with his money and good looks, he could have almost any woman in the world for sex and friendship. He could pay for the most expensive escort in Brisbane or he could 'woo' any one of thousands of pretentious, money hungry princesses out there, but he chooses to have me as his friend and FB! Not only that, but even when he is in my very average, very humble home I feel nothing but complete respect from him. He never makes comments about my life that would make me feel as though I was inferior to him although I'm sure that would be easy to do. I like the fact that he doesn't believe he is better than me just because he has money. Financially we are world's apart but in intelligence, life experience, interesting conversation and sexual compatibility we are very similar - and I like that.

I told him by text that I had a rough week and he said I could share it with him if I wanted. He's in China, on business, with probably heaps of meetings and business to attend to, and he offers his time and ear to me to listen to my problems. That's cool.

Although my daydreams take me to places where I have something more with him I know the probability of that happening is similar to world peace but that's okay. If this is as much as I have with him I'm okay with that. I do, however, feel as though I'm ready for a relationship. This is the first time I've truly felt this - everything else was false attempt because I thought I met someone worthy. I don't think I've met the person yet but if an opportunity for something more was presented to me (by D or someone else worthwhile) I think I would be ready to take a leap of faith.

Does not Compute "2"

Sunday, Mar. 20, 2005 - 4:12 p.m.

Friday
Took a friend out to the airport on her way to Israel. She is going for three weeks, on her own, which is very exciting. She suggested that one weekend her, David and I should go to Sydney! David said he had never been on a plane and so we're planning it. I'm putting aside some money each fortnight so that when we go I will be able to afford it.

Saturday
Went to a Tupperware Party - not my usual thing but I have been friends with this group of girls for about 5 years. They go through a constant cycle of party plan parties - each booking at each others to get the hostess gifts - tupperware, lingerie, makeup, housewares - it's almost criminal the way they manipulate the system. I only attend one party per year on the condition I won't be encouraged to make a booking - it's great to see the girls but I just can't afford the effort, time or money required to be a part of this loop.

I had a huge fight with David Saturday evening just before dinner. The end result was him kicking the front door so hard that there is now a hole in the wall. :( About an hour later my neighbour John came over. He lives in Flat #5 and is late 40's, early 50's. He asked me what was wrong, I asked him how he knew and he said "your aura has a negative energy". The conversation continued until I asked him if he believes in psychics. He said "of course" and then asked "Who had a birthday today?" I told him it was ms-do's. I told him I felt I needed to go to a psychic, he asked why and I said that I believed Wayne needed to talk to me.

John then said, "He's here, now ... blonde, quite tall, freckles on his nose". My heart was pumping so hard, I could feel him around me. We talked about me feeling Wayne quite often - usually when I'm in the car - and I talk to him. I also spoke about how now I only feel Wayne's good energies, his exceptionally good traits, the reasons why I married him. John explained that he doesn't have the energy level required to bring his bad side from the grave and that he probably wouldn't want to anyway. I also feel as though he helps me make decisions - particularly about people. He was always very intuitive that way.

As John was leaving he asked me "What does a red/purple rose mean to you?" I couldn't think because Wayne always bought me yellow roses. Just as John was leaving, I remembered. I have a container hidden in my kitchen (where John was standing) that holds the petals of the roses that David was given at Wayne's funeral. I've dried them and intend, one day, to use them for something. They are a deep purple/red colour. I did take a photo but diaryland is not uploading pics atm.

* shrug * I don't know what to think. My logical, non-religious side of me says "when you're dead, you're dead" but I just can't deny that I feel him around me physically. It's not just a memory or a subconscious "what would Wayne say" feeling. It's a presence around me and it's not always there! If it was just my mind then why isn't it there all the time? And how can John know and say these things without prior knowledge?

I'm now in a situation where I want to ask John all these questions. I want to go over there right now and ask him stuff about Wayne and what he saw. But what's the protocol? Sure I can fix computers and I'll often volunteer - that doesn't mean I want people banging on my door asking a myriad of questions whenever they feel like it. Same goes with the doctor I guess. I'm hoping that if John is okay with telling me anything more he will initiate that discussion. He still needs help with his computer so maybe we an strike up a deal! :)