Life Goes On

Can I Give Up, Please?
Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005 - 8:59 p.m.
I feel drained. Yesterday afternoon I thought I was coming down with the flu but after a big dose of cold and flu tablets it seemed to pass this morning. Went to Uni, understood most of my VB.Net lecture and found out I can probably use Logan as my University Project.

I had a Parent-Teacher meeting this afternoon - expected to be told the usual "Academically he's doing fine, his behaviour is tolerable, we'll continue to follow his Education Plan and get him through the system". But no. Life could never be that simple.

Instead, I'm told that he has verbally abused three staff members using a disgusting myriad of racial and personal slurs and has consequently been suspended for two days.

I'm too numb to know how I feel about this at the moment. I just feel drained and wish life was easier.

t.

Success at Last
Monday, Mar. 14, 2005 - 4:08 a.m.
YES! Stage 2 of Logan is finished and ready for data testing by them this week. Note the time ... 4am ... I tend to work best under pressure and the thought of a phone call from them first thing Monday was enough to make me do it.

After weeks of hitting brick walls I just sat down with comfort food and trashy TV, deleted a few things I wasn't 100% confident with and started those processes again. It all fell into place ... I couldn't believe it at times - checked it twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming. All my searches, filters and coding worked like a dream. I'm hoping to install on Tuesday which means I can get paid next week! Woot!

Where's the fucking manual?
Sunday, Mar. 13, 2005 - 12:04 a.m.
I feel like I've been driving all day. Went to a friends today before lunch, came home, picked David up, went to video store and 7-11 for slurpees, came home, went grocery shopping, came home, went to visit ms-do, came home, realised the lamb chops I had for dinner were not fit for human consumption, went out again to buy takeaway, came home, had dinner, went over to neighbours to create some posters.

I also managed to install a DVD-ROM drive in David's machine which went well considering I'm not that good at hardware.

A good friend of Wayne's text me today to say that she can't 'face' me for a promised coffee; she's not ready to talk about his death yet. I rang her about a year ago to tell her about his death and I didn't think to ask but she was driving at the time and had to pull over. I worry everyday that Wayne's suicide affects David at a deeper level than he shares with me. It is surprising how many references there are to suicide - TV, books, media in general. Everytime a reference comes up I give him a cuddle and see if he's okay and although he nods yes I can see the pain in his eyes. I've never experienced either but I wonder if losing a parent to suicide is worse than losing a parent through accident or natural causes?

I know that I'm doing all that I can - he sees his psychiatrist, we talk about it whenever he feels like it, I've been honest with him about everything. If there's something I'm not doing I don't know about it so I guess that's the best I can do.

t.

Tired and Busy
Friday, Mar. 11, 2005 - 9:09 p.m.
I cut my finger yesterday and it still hurts. It's hard to type and I need someone to kiss it better but as per usual there are no suitable candidates.

I actually did some work on Logan yesterday - sequestered myself in the house with all the phones off and set a plan and got into it. I'm still stuck on one particular problem with it but at least I've worked around it and racking my brains trying to find the solution.

I saw D on Wednesday ... damn I hate that situation ... everything I want and nothing I can have. It sucks when you feel as though you can't have it because you're not good enough but then you can't think that because it's self destructive yet what other explanation can there be?

I got David's haircut today and it looks so much better than when I attempt it. I also bought him some swimming goggles and some gluten free pies. He ate a meat pie for the first time in his life! He is now officially Australian. I <3 payday. It never lasts long but at least for 24 hours I can feel better about my financial situation. Only 13 more sleeps and I can feel it again.

I hate drunks. There is a neighbour of mine (not the one I was arguing with the other week) who has a female friend who drinks a lot. Twice this week I've driven her to the bottle shop to get beer. She's paid me petrol money so that's not my bitch, it's just that I don't understand the drive and pull that makes a 40-something yo woman to drink beer, alone, day after day. She smells of it, she slurs her words. I don't like listening to her talking shit and I feel like saying "get a grip on your life, you're pathetic". I know that's harsh and I would never actually say it - I have addictions and bad habits - it's just hard to accept something that I don't understand.

Last week I fixed someone's computer ... a friend of a friend so not even someone that I wanted to help but I did offer so there's a lesson in that. I spent NO LESS than 18 hours on that fucking thing. I should have told him that I was going to charge him and how much because yesterday he proudly handed me $20 and thanked me for doing such a good job. Twenty fucking dollars from a single guy who earns $50K a year for a job that took me 18 hours that would have cost him at least $150 at a computer store? Fuck I nearly shoved it back in his face. The lesson? You teach people how to treat you ... which means I won't be fixing his computer again and the next time a friend of a friend asks me I'll be setting a price range before commencement.

To those friends who I have helped ... this is not about you. :)

t.