Life Goes On

* enters meditation mode *
Sunday, Feb. 13, 2005 - 9:46 p.m.
I guess this is my version of PMS. I don't really suffer from it in the normal sense but I do go through stages, like now, where my tolerance of people is at an all time low. I'm feeling that now. I seem to be more opinionated than usual which can't be a good thing. I have started quite a few diary entries in the last few days only to close the window thinking "really that's a bit harsh".

So instead of burning any bridges and risk turning my ankle on that soapbox I will instead breathe deeply, refocus, drink coffee and keep my mouth shut until I feel a little more civil.

t.

Tough Love
Friday, Feb. 11, 2005 - 1:34 p.m.
I wrote this recently on a forum discussing how it was to live with someone with bipolar (manic depression). Thought I would post here as an insight into my failed marriage.

His highs involved:

* The belief that he could become a world class boxer and beat Anthony Mundine;
* Waking everyone in the house to leave at 2am for a camping trip;
* Not sleeping for days on end;
* Desperately needing sex (maybe to help him sleep?);
* Spending bill money voraciously and just assuming that everything would be okay;
* Telling obviously bullshit stories and being convinced that everyone believes him (e.g. 'I found $200 in the gutter' or 'The Police pulled me over and I smashed him in the mouth but he didn't charge me because it was such a good hit');
* Climbing structures and doing backflips off them;
* Move house in a day - I would go to work, and then he'd pick me up in the afternoon and we'd be living in a completely different house - everything unpacked. We moved 25 times in 5 years;
* Driving incredibly fast, usually intoxicated and having no concept of the danger.

His lows involved:

* Highly abusive - verbally and physically foul to everyone;
* Sexually driven - he would have done anything to have sex, almost as if it fed him;
* Paranoia - starting fights because someone was looking at him the wrong way;
* Jumping to conclusions - if I missed the bus home he would automatically assuming I was having an affair and would not stop going on about it;
* Unable to take any form of criticism - he quit at least 30 jobs because the boss suggested he do something a different way;
* No concept of right and wrong - he went to jail for holding his wife hostage at knife point.

It goes on and on .. the hardest part for me is that when he went from manic to depressed states he appeared to have NO recollection of his behaviour in the previous state. No remorse, no concept of the hurt he caused everyone around him. He would even turn up at work after telling his boss to get fucked the day before.

t.

Feelin' Strained
Wednesday, Feb. 09, 2005 - 10:01 p.m.
I've decided I'm going to see "Million Dollar Baby" tomorrow morning. I've been paid for some of Logan, I've paid two bills, I've done a training session and tidied my house. I deserve to get lost in a movie for a couple of hours.

I'm feeling too exhausted to have an opinion on anything at the moment. Lots happening but just too tired to form sentences and then screen them for sarcasm, offence, perhaps madness.

t.

I am SUCH a nerd ....
Tuesday, Feb. 08, 2005 - 2:22 p.m.
What an amazing totally geek item!

The low-fat, high-bandwidth solution to your networked cooking needs is finally here. The George Foreman USB iGrill conveniently connects to your home or office PC using USB 2.0 technology, and provides a sophisticated web-based cooking interface.

It is easy to warm up the iGrill from any internet connection. With a little advance planning, your meal can be ready when you get home!

Now I wouldn't buy one simply because my kitchen is almost as close to me as my computer and I don't really like the idea of toasted cheese on my DVD drive, but what a cool idea!

t.

Me First ... for Once
Tuesday, Feb. 08, 2005 - 12:41 p.m.
I had a child wanting to get out of school today.

David: I have a tummy ache.

Me: That's unfortunate.

David: No, I really do.

Me: Uh-huh. Well, I'll write you a note to excuse you from swimming so you don't make it worse, and then if you're still feeling unwell at lunchtime I'll pick you up then.

(10 minutes later)

David: I'm feeling a little better now.

I had plans this morning so he wasn't staying! :)

t.

LIfe is a Book
Monday, Feb. 07, 2005 - 12:57 p.m.
Just had a really successful meeting at David's school. There were six of us - more than I expected - and I had the first opportunity to talk to David's teacher.

She is so positive about him! All my assumptions about her not understanding Aspergers and having no compassion were completely unfounded. She has a different style from his previous teachers, but she has a similar approach to me - state the consequences, walk away and come back to deal with it. She gives him heaps of notice about changes in the class, treats him just like all the others and she acknowledges his intelligence. I had a list of things I wanted to talk about but she kinda answered them all. To use a complete cliche which fits: "We're on the same page!" That's one less thing I have to worry about.

t.

Forgot to mention that ....
Sunday, Feb. 06, 2005 - 10:05 a.m.

t.

Untrivial Pursuit
Saturday, Feb. 05, 2005 - 9:59 p.m.
I'm glad I don't lead a trivial life. I visited a friend today that I've known for about four years; she's not a close friend just an acquaintance really. She is in her late 30's, never married, no partner, no children, just two cats. David calls her the Cat Lady (not to her face, yet) which is really unkind because she is heading for the stereotype of lonely old woman with only her cats to care for. But that's not it ... she also has no interests, no hobbies, no clubs, no other friends, no purpose, no direction. She talked for an hour about a small cut on her hand from the cat and how terrible it would be if it got septic and how she would have to put the cat down if that happened!

Chatting to her today, I realised how trivial and lonely her life is. I let her talk and didn't say much because she doesn't have many people in her life that are interested in her day.

Sometimes I am too busy. Sometimes I get stressed because I have over committed myself to people, work, uni, etc but I wouldn't have it any other way. I like to feel wanted and needed to someone and that doesn't have to be a male partner.

David was so well behaved. He used his manners and didn't complain once about being dragged away from his electronic world to spend some time at another's house.

Friendships develop so slowly now that I'm in my thirties. It's like everyone is so sceptical that it seems to take five or six meetings before they even consider extending the "bump into each other at the pool" to "lets do something". This is happening very slowly with a couple with a son in David's class. We often meet up at the pool so the boys have someone to play with (both are only children). For the first time today I felt like I knew them and related to them and we finally have a little bit of history between us. We can say "Oh remember how I said ... " or "How is .....". This process has taken over six months because it's easier to walk away from a bad acquaintanceship than it is from a bad friendship.

This timelag never happened with Ms-Do. I turned up at her place one morning to drop David off for a playdate. We had coffee, we talked, then we had lunch, talked some more and then she made us dinner (!) and we talked some more and we have been good friends ever since.

Thanks for making my life less trivial Ms-Do.

t.