Life Goes On

Surprises all 'round

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 11:43 p.m.

I realised today that I actually own two pairs of kitchen tongs. This surprised me somewhat. I thought I only owned one pair.

I have kickstarted my work on the database contract again. I have been very slack whilst David has been home on school holidays but my enthusiasm has returned, thankfully. I have also tidied up my desk and realised how much paperwork I need to get done. I'm hoping this motivation will continue for the rest of the week.

I found this quite amazing. Dialup might be a little slow.

On The Couch

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 1:52 a.m.

niceguymike sent me a note revealing some insight into my last couple of posts. He brings up two issues:
1. What standards and boundaries am I setting (or not setting)?
2. What judgements am I making about my dates that are unfair or unjust?

I have always had only three criteria for men to meet before I will date them. Maybe that's my problem - maybe I need more.

1. They must not have a problem with alcohol. I don't mind if they drink socially, but it must not be an everyday necessity and when they do drink they must not be obsessed or difficult. I have dealt with too many drunks in my life to tolerate it in a partner.

2. They must have a good work ethic. Once again, I don't care what job they do, or even if they are sometimes unemployed. They must, however, not expect life to be handed to them and must believe in 'a hard days work for a good days pay'.

3. They must be a good citizen. This includes voting, not littering, not speeding. They mustn't drink and drive. They must take responsbility for their choices and acknowledge their behaviours. They mustn't park in handicapped spots or rip the welfare system off just because they can.

Is that too much to ask? I have NO physical specifications. I have no race, creed, background requirements. Obviously I would have reservations about dating someone with a string of marriages and a criminal record but hey .. I married one of those so I can't be too picky!

So is the problem that I am not forthright enough with them in what my boundaries are? I read somewhere "don't ever remove a fence until you remember why it was put up in the first place". I have decent boundaries with my friends, son, work colleagues and family - so why do I refuse/find it so difficult to establish boundaries with men in my life?

A shrink might suggest that I strive so hard to be low maintenance that I sell my soul in that pursuit. Perhaps I view myself as such a bad 'catch' for a man that I will tolerate almost anything in my gratitude for their company. This rings true - the last couple of "quasi-relationships" (read: fuck buddies) that I have had were flawed in many ways and it wasn't until I reached my absolute limit that I backed out. I propose that a woman with more self esteem and a greater sense of her value would have tolerated far less and probably wouldn't have associated with those guys in the first place.

There is also an underlying destruction factor. Maybe I avoid the 'decent ones' on purpose. This is found commonly in survivors of childhood abuse - this idea that they will not allow themselves to succeed and so they sabotage anything that could possibly go right for them. Who knows?

Deathtraps, Men and Rain

Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 - 11:52 p.m.

Yes Ms-Do, I've been waiting for you to mention that because I couldn't find a way to say it without dobbing you in for another guy. These diaries are total deathtraps! Everytime we mention an initial representing some new guy who has actually made it to Stage 2 of our extensive screening process, * poof * he disappears and then we cringe and wonder how we can face our diaries again.

The next one (whoever that poor soul might be) will not be mentioned in this diary! I will, instead, one day just change to my profile from "single, not looking" to "happily married" and we'll just see who notices, shall we?

So as you can probably tell from my previous two entries (read: tantrums), I'm a little disillusioned atm with men. The thing is, the last time I saw D we had a great time! He was interesting and fun and the conversation flowed as it always does. As is usually the case with my "fallen soldiers" he probably has no idea what he said to me that's shut me down to him. Poor guy won't even realise until I don't respond to his attempts to contact me. Then, one day five years from now, when he's married to some bimbo who has just had an affair on him and/or dragging him thru the divorce courts for half his money he will remember me. (He probably won't, but that thought keeps me going.)

So what was right with him? He was (note the past tense ... he's not dead, just gone) independent, successful, interesting, good in bed, respectful, low maintenance, single. So what was wrong with him? Not much ... a little old for me (+15 years) but I think I prefer that quite honestly. Um ... oh yeah, and he mentioned my weight. Bad move.

In happy news, I went on a rescue mission today. We had some rain here this afternoon and when I got home in the late afternoon I noticed that there was a car a few doors down with it's lights left on. When I went out again, about two hours later, they were still on so I walked up to the car and realised there were two sets of flats that it could belong to. Looking at the mailboxes I calculated that there were 16 possibilities. Miraculously, the second door I knocked on was the owner. The poor guy had also left his house keys in his front door lock which I kindly pointed out to him. He was very grateful. Poor guy looked like he had been crying and was obviously having a bad day. I didn't feel as though I could do much else but at least he won't have a flat battery in the morning and he will be able to find his keys. Maybe that will help him have a better day tomorrow.

* hugs *

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 10:02 p.m.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. I just received this email from I, one of the decent (married) guys I mentioned earlier.

HI T, I always feel that if you love yourself (in an emotional way), then other people will love you. It is a confidence/self esteem issue. It is not the size of one's breasts, or the size of one's belly but the size of one's heart that is the most important part of the person, both in terms of giving and in terms of not giving up. Which I believe the size of your heart outweighs all other aspects of you.

All the good ones are married. All the single ones are single for a reason.

The hardest part of all this for me is that I keep remembering how much Wayne loved my body. He was always proud of me physically. He would buy me lingerie from the big girls section and not feel embarrassed to ask for my size and it fitted me perfectly. He told me how sexy I was and he was never ashamed of me. Yes he was violent and he was irresponsible and unkind and devious and betraying, but he always made me feel good about my body.

* gets onto her soap box *

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 4:59 p.m.

I'm really sick of being judged by my physical appearance.

I'm really tired of people making assumptions about me because I'm overweight.

I hate the fact that men are physiologically wired to be attracted to skinny women and cannot see beyond the extra kilos.

There are only three men (I, S and R) that I know personally that honestly appreciate me for everything I am - and they're all married.

It disappoints me that despite my obvious intelligence, charm, wit, independence, responsible attitude, low maintenance requirements, high sex drive and earning capacity, to most men I am STILL good enough for the bedroom but not good enough for the street.

What gives people the impression that it's okay for them to give me dieting advice and encourage me to lose weight? I never asked them! Also, it's not like I'm morbidly obese. I don't have my stomach at my knees and I don't walk like a penguin. I am just "bigger than the average" woman and could probably lose about 30 kilos.

Well you can all go and get fucked. I'm sick to death of your fattist attitudes and I'm sick of being used for sex but not good enough to be a part of your life. If there is not one decent, single, non-judgemental male out there then I'd rather be single.

... and another thing! What the fuck makes you think that you're all that?? Most of you pricks are some combination of old, chubby, bald, boring, hopeless in bed, too small or alcoholic. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I would also be embarrassed to be seen with YOU in public?