Life Goes On

Walking with the Do
Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 1:11 p.m.
I feel compelled to respond to ms-do's comment about me:

"I must say thank god for nerddette she could talk under water and I know she could cause she talks while climbing Everest every morning."

Yes the walking is great. We started about three weeks ago - apparently it takes a month to make a habit of it. People tell me I've already lost weight; I wouldn't know because I don't own bathroom scales and never will. I do however feel my clothes are less tight and I have heaps more energy.

I think ms-do asked me jokingly one day "do you want to join me walking in the mornings?" and was surprised when I responded in the affirmative. We started walking around my neighbourhood but it was as flat as Paris Hilton's chest and not doing a great deal so we changed tack and started walking around ms-do's area.

As described in her entry, there are about 7 or 8 killer hills. We measured the distance in the car the other day and it was around 5 kilometres but really that doesn't do justice to the Everest climbs. I've often pondered how much I would have to lobby the council to install a chair lift on that last one.

Walking (read: climbing) in the mornings has changed my life in a number of ways. My whole daily timetable has changed. I'm up at 5.15am and, conscious of the need to get up I go to bed around 11pm. This also matches what I do in the evenings. I am over the internet! So many hours spent surfing and chatting and wasting time over at least six years now. There is more to life than that. I still love my ADSL connection and have no intentions of changing that, but now I only use it for my diary, my email and contributing to forums.

I never expected to lose weight when I decided to start walking with ms-do. It appears to be happening, and I guess that's a good thing, but if it stopped going away I would still walk. The fresh morning air, the opportunity to talk non-stop for an hour, the invigoration of the blood pumping through my muscles when I get back ... it's all part of feeling better about myself and my life. I feel as though I'm taking an active role in making my life better.

I was called the other day by a Market Research company who asked, amongst other things obviously, "How often do you exercise?" I was able to say "Five Hours a Week!" I nearly screamed it down the phone to the poor guy, but it still felt good. Three weeks ago I would have had to mumble.. um never?

t.

Name Analysis
Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 9:24 a.m.
"Although the name Tertia creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes a blunt expression that alienates others. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses through worry and mental tension.

Your name of Tertia has created a practical, responsible, stable nature, and you desire to direct the efforts of others rather than to take order or ask permission. You have a determined, self-reliant, capable nature and resent any interference, although in your desire to help you are inclined to become involved in the lives and decisions of other people. You like to make your own decisions and to be the master of your domain. You feel a limitation in your own expression when it is necessary to reach another through tact and understanding."

Analyse Your Name (Down the bottom of the page).

t.

Control and Serenity
Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004 - 4:13 p.m.
I'm a bit of a control freak. My friends know this and accept it - even if they don't find it particularly endearing.

I try to only participate in situations that I can still have choices and have some control over how I am affected. I think that's why I don't listen to my feelings ... ever. I deny them. I base decisions purely on the facts before me because then I can weigh up the pros and cons and make a decision which can be justified.

I see emotion and feeling as dangerous enemies. I believe that they will betray me and take away my ability to make an educated decision. I know this is not the way I'm meant to be, or that I should open up and allow my feelings to wash over me but why? Why should I put myself in a situation where I am out of control and unable to function? It doesn't make sense to me. It does not appear to have any merit.

I scheduled leaving my marriage so that it coincided with my holidays from work. When I arrived at the refuge I told my Case Worker "I'll only be here two weeks and then I need to get back to work". She told me to stop and take stock of the enormity of my position. I had no home, no possessions (not even clothes), I had just left an abusive marriage, my son had no school to go to - how did I expect to get my life and my head back in order in two weeks? Well I managed it in four weeks but it demonstrated my need to have control over my life so that nothing can go wrong ... supposedly.

I am sick of all the drama in my life. I am tired of always having a crisis. I just want to live a peaceful, happy existence with my son where nothing goes wrong and I don't get emotional or stressed because of fuckups. I want to be the tower of strength for my friends, rather than relying on them to be mine.

I choose to live my life peacefully and joyfully.

I take time out each day to be calm, peaceful and quiet.

Well ... that's the plan anyway.

t.

An anniversary is just a date
Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004 - 3:58 p.m.
Denial and pretence are beautiful things. A date is just a date and I don't feel like dealing with Wayne's anniversary today. I've been thinking about him all year really so why do I need to reflect on him on this particular day? There are already so many other days in the year ... the day we met, the day we married, his birthday, Fathers Day. If David was here I might feel obliged to talk about it more but I choose not to. Call me chicken.

One thought that has been suggested to me relates to the incident in my exam on Tuesday. A friend asked if I believed in spirits and I do, although I'm not very intuitive. I'm just your average person who does not communicate with the dead - hell I can't even get a "feel" for people; I base all my decisions on facts not feelings.

This friend suggested that my experience in my exam could have been related to Wayne. I remember feeling really cold - not shivering, but it felt as though someone had placed a large suitcase-size block of ice on my spine. The pain travelled steadily up my spine and stopped at the very top of my head. It was a pinpoint pain and it wasn't throbbing so it didn't feel like a typical headache. I have never experienced that type of pain before - not in it's intensity (it wasn't excrutiating) but the location and "coldness" of it was foreign to me.

As you know from my previous entry, I then left my exam and went to the bathroom and threw up and cried. This occurred around the same time that Wayne hanged himself. Sure, it was the day after, but the time of day was similar. It was suggested by a friend that this experience may have been a visit from Wayne and the feeling I had replicated him hanging himself. I believe this is very possible. I have no evidence, or a "gut feeling" that it was but then I never had gut feelings about anything.

Regardless, I feel Wayne's spirit around sometimes and I talk to him. I tell him I miss the good side of him. I tell him that David is doing well. I ask him for advice. Actually, I asked his advice on something the other day when I was driving and two very pertinent songs came on the radio just after that. I made my decision based on those songs so time will tell.

I thought I wasn't going to think about him today?

t.

sucks
Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004 - 3:25 p.m.
the tears are fighting me
they don't want to come
they don't want to show weakness
they're saying
don't think
don't feel
don't acknowledge
don't be weak
don't grieve
don't hate
don't love
don't miss
don't remember
don't forget

i want to hold it in
i want to be busy
i want to think about something else
i want to be distracted
i want to just get it all out
i want someone to just be here

i want to allow myself to need someone
i want to allow myself to surrender
to be cared for
i want to reach inside
and grasp hold of my fear
my grief
my hurt
my pain
and pull it all out
and look at it
and hurl it
and throw it
away

i want him to be alive

i want it to be different

t.

What are your odds?
Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004 - 2:54 p.m.
I don't think it's hit me yet that I am childless for three whole days. No food to cook. No pickup from school. I can leave the house at midnight. I can eat what I want, when I want. I can get drunk or stoned or go to the Gold Coast ... I probably won't, but it's nice to know that I can.

I have not started thinking about Wayne's anniversary yet. David asked me this morning before he left for camp if I was going to be okay. He said "If you get sad, ring me, or someone. I'm already half an orphan ... please don't do anything stupid".

It bothers me that he thinks I could actually do that! I think that suicide is the most selfish way to die and I would never consider it. Well, there is one circumstance that I would but I refuse to think about that. I reassured him he had nothing to worry about and that we would honour his Father when he gets back.

My "To Do" list for the last weeks, months, year has included Uni, committees, David, family, friends, housework, bills, paid work - and somewhere down the bottom is me. Well for the first time in forever I am the top of the list. No exams, no friends needing me, no family crises, no child to care for, no urgent housework, no paid work and now I can do nothing or everything I want - what, how, when and with whom.

Tommorrow (the official anniversary of Wayne's death) is approaching. I wish I could just fast forward it and not live it. Today is the day that I took David to the hospital to see his Father alive for the last time and before they turned the machines off. I got the call in the morning, rang my parents and they left immediately to come and pick me up. I went to the school and got David. I sat in the back of my parent's car while they drove to the hospital (some 60 kilometres away) and told my son that his Father was going to die.

I've started crying. I guess that's a good thing.

At the hospital were David's half brothers, his parents and a couple of others. David sat in the waiting room with his brothers waiting to be allowed into the ICU to see Wayne. I sat on the floor in the hallway, leaning against the wall with my feet pulled to my chest and my head on my knees. I didn't pray he would okay - I knew he was dying plus I knew I didn't want him to live. I prayed that David would get through this.

David went in with Wayne's parents to see him. He didn't stay long. He told me that his Dad's breathing was really raspy and that all the tubes and machines scared him.

On the drive home, I told David that Wayne's parents were turning the life support off and that his Father would probably die in the next 24 hours. I didn't tell him that the doctors had said that because Wayne was so healthy (he ran 15 kms a day and ate healthy food) that there was a concern it might take up to a week for him to go. David said to me "Mum, a horse that is paying 50 to 1 can still win the race".

t.

I've been knocking but no-one's answering
Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004 - 3:59 p.m.
The body knows when it's had enough. I have been pushing myself too hard the last couple of weeks and ignoring the need to centre and relax my soul.

I sat my last exam for the year this morning. It was my favourite subject, Systems Analysis and Design, yet halfway through it a pain rose up my spine and into the base of my neck. I placed my head on the desk until the exam invigilator came over. She asked if I was okay, I shook my head and then she walked me to my bag to check for Panadol. I didn't have any, and I then I felt really nauseous so I ran out of the room and made it to the bathroom where I threw up. Then I sat on the toilet seat and cried and cried for about 5 minutes. I returned to the exam room and sat outside, trying to control my breathing, and focus my energy. I knew that I could have deferred the exam but I didn't want to re-sit it in February so I returned and finished it.

The last few weeks have really been tough for me. I had a huge fight with the school yesterday about David going to camp plus Wayne's anniversary week plus exams plus other things. I just expect my body to cope with all this stress and just keep me going well I guess this time it protested and made me stop and re-focus. I just have to get David packed for camp, see him off in the morning, and then I can collapse in a heap and cry and moan and complain and scream and do whatever it is that I need to get this out of me.

I guess the trick is to listen to your body. It speaks the truth that your mind refuses to acknowledge.

t.