Life Goes On

I'll Be Back

Monday, Nov. 01, 2004 - 1:49 a.m.

I just had the coolest dream and decided to get up and write it down. Two reasons mainly - one because kuinip fed me four cups of coffee today and I'm finding it hard to sleep, but also because I knew that I would forget it in the morning! So here goes...

Okay so in my dream I was asleep and my mobile rang. It was T. He was actually at a Halloween DVD party tonight and in my dream he rang me on my mobile and mumbled an address to me. So I rang S (T's best friend, even though I don't have his number.. dreams don't make sense remember) and I told S to be ready in 10 minutes because I was coming to pick him up. Anyway, S and I arrive at this address and I press the intercom buzzer and tell them I'm here to pick up T. This female voice comes back with some snide remark so I press the buzzer again and say "Listen cunt. Open the fucking door or I'll call the police" at which point the door opens and S and I run up two flights of stairs and bust through the door. There are three females in the unit ... two blonde bimbos and a nice looking geeky girl sitting at a computer. The two blondes are off their faces on something so I ask the geek girl "Where's T?" She points to the verandah. I tell S to pack up the DVDs and X-Box and everything else that belongs to T and I go out the verandah. Check his pulse, he seems unconscious (suddenly I have an astounding knowledge of first aid and medical procedures) so I go back inside and go up to one of the blondes and ask her "What did you give him?" She says: "Why should I tell you?" at which point I grab her by the throat (*giggle*), shove her up against the wall and scream the question again in her face, adding "Don't make me choose between murder and my friend!".

So this time she answers "Rohipnol" so I let her slide down the wall, check that S is getting everything packed up and proceed to return to the verandah. The other blonde takes a swing at me and misses (of course!) and I turned around and smacked her in the mouth. I ask the geek girl "Can you please help S get all of T's stuff together?" and I go back out to the verandah to check on T. I pick up his mobile (which is DRAMATICALLY lying next to him, post-last-desperate-phonecall-to-me), check his back pocket for his wallet and keys and then... wait for it... I sling him over my shoulders and proceed to walk out with him.

By this time, one of the blondes has got her dutch courage back and stands between me and the front door. I put my hand out and say "Don't even think about it bitch because I'm not in a good mood". I stare intently into her eyes (think Crocodile Dundee and the buffalo) at which point she whimpers away. S has everything packed into T's black bag and we leave the unit, T slung over my shoulders and S following with the DVDs. We then RUN (yes, run, with T over my shoulders) down the stairs, I pile T into his car and S drives my car, mission accomplished.

How cool was that??!!!! I <3 dreams like that.

The weight, or the wait??

Sunday, Oct. 31, 2004 - 11:06 a.m.

P: Sorry you've had headaches and lack of appetite. Sadly I wish I had lack of appetite. Then my trousers would fit better.

Me: Your trousers not fitting has less to do with your weight and more to do with you thinking about me all the time ;)

Quick update from moody poster

Saturday, Oct. 30, 2004 - 6:18 p.m.

I'm feeling weird. I have no appetite which is unusual for me. I'm really moody and getting headaches all the time. All I've had today is a piece of apple - I tried having some pasta for dinner but after three mouthfuls I just couldn't get anymore down. T came over last night and I was in a bad mood - not with him, just couldn't shake my headache and felt yuck. I'm worried that it might be the Implanon (contraceptive implant) which I had put in about 4 weeks ago. It's supposed to last 3 years but the doctor said that 3-4 weeks is a good indication of how it will be the whole time. This doesn't impress me if these are the side effects. Happy enough with the appetite going ... won't do me any harm not to eat ... but the headaches and moodiness can't remain.

I went to a luncheon on Friday which was great. Sponsored by the Australian Computer Society and Women in IT, it was a sitdown lunch with a debate - the Dean of my faculty was one of the speakers. It's not just a lunch for most people - more a networking opportunity. The long sponsorship blurbs were annoying but apart from that it was fun.

I was going to take David to the Manly Halloween Street Party tonight but he didn't feel like it. Crowds aren't great for him with his autism - too noisy and busy - so we're going to stay at home and watch Back to the Future II followed by Spy Kids.

I got David's blood test results on Friday. There was some concern that he might have Juvenile Arthritis - his cousin had it plus he has pains in his wrists and ankles - but the tests showed nothing bad which is a great result.

Haven't I been tested enough?

Wednesday, Oct. 27, 2004 - 5:19 p.m.

OK OK, I'm tough already! I admit it! Once again I am amazed by the turns and hurdles my life takes. Last night I was at a Brisbane Police Station at 1.00am picking up my 14yo niece. She was in a car with a 24yo guy who was driving unlicensed and had drugs in the car. She had been living in the car with him since Sunday. There was around $5,000 in the car which was most likely from drugs, although with a 14yo female who knows?

So she was not charged with anything - the Police were mainly interested in finding two 14yo girls who are missing and were last seen getting into this guy's car. She is Wayne's sister's daughter - the eldest of a disjointed family of 8. She was pleased to see me and after a little bit more questioning the Police let her go home with me.

She was hallucinating - seeing ducks on the carpet and dancing animals on the bookshelf. She claimed she wasn't high on anything and the Police seemed to agree but she did confess to having tried speed, trips, E, heroin and of course pot and alcohol. I guess the hallucinations may have been attention-seeking, or alcohol abuse or just plain fatigue. She said it was her first shower and bed for four days.

She told me at the Police Station that she was pregnant and talked about sex all the way home - what she did and didn't do, who with, how many. I half expected to hear a price list. :(

* insert expected rave about today's society *

So after 3 hours sleep I drove my niece back to her Mother, who lives 200 kilometres away. Left Brisbane at 10.30am, dropped her off, had lunch with my Mother, drove back, looked at a unit for rent and got home by 4.30pm. What a productive way to spend 6 hours! *yawns*

I'm expecting a CD compilation in the mail soon and getting test results on Friday - both of these topics soon to appear. Too tired to intro them now.

No More Eye Candy

Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 6:43 p.m.

My cute neighbour is moving out! He's going Saturday which means no more eye candy. :( There is another guy in Number 3 but he's married (which doesn't usually stop me but he's not as cute as the one in Number 5). I guess the only consolation is maybe, just maybe, a new cute guy will move in.

Power Lunch

Sunday, Oct. 24, 2004 - 12:03 a.m.

Had a steak and salad lunch today with a bunch of girls. I was invited by a longtime gf of mine, Louise. We met at a workplace back in 2000 and have been friends ever since. She is one of the few people still in my life who knew me when I was with Wayne. When I left, I dropped into her place on the way out of town and told her I was going to a refuge and that he might call her. He did, of course, but luckily she didn't know where I was so she was safe. She knows all the turmoil I went through when I was with him - when he would turn up to our work, screaming and yelling and being dragged away by security. She has seen the fear in my eyes and the frantic dash for the bus at the end of the day so I didn't get into "trouble". She's seen me taking hundreds of abusive calls on work and mobile phones, and swallowing it and soldiering on. She has seen the gradual transformation in me since leaving and today she saw me for the first time since Wayne died. I had my hair in pigtails and had a big smile on my face. She gasped: "OMG! You look 10 years younger! A lack of stress agrees with you!". :D

So there were 10 girls, all between 33 and 50ish - having steak and beers outside in the Queensland sun and talking about life, men, work, holidays. It was so liberating to not check behind the bushes or listen for my phone ordering me to come home. I caught up with people that I haven't seen for 2 years and updated them on my life to date. In their lives there has been hatches, matches, new house, immigration - so much to talk about. Most are married but all have decent partners who look after the kids one day every couple of months so that they can get together and remember that they are not only mothers, wives, daughters, sisters and employees but they are women. And they are friends. Thank you to all my friends.

Hell Week.. Heaven Ending

Saturday, Oct. 23, 2004 - 11:22 p.m.

Last week was truly made and sent to me by Hell.

Monday - Pupil free day with two kids, assignment due, online with one of three group members, went shopping, bought two shampoos instead of one conditioner, stayed up until 4am getting assignment finished.

Tuesday - Equity Committee meeting, soooo tired, fighting with IT management about money for equity students, printed and bound assignment only to have some little 18yo tell me what to do in the library which given my fatigue and lack of patience with women in general didn't do much for my state of mind.

Wednesday - Presentation of website for another subject. Had some wankers up the back who kept talking and smart mouthing during it.. nearly told them to fuck off but contained the temper. Worked on final assignment.

Thursday - worked on final assignment. Emailed it to group member at 5pm. Made changes and emailed it back at 9.30pm. Finally finished all assignments - now three weeks until exams. Woo Hoo!

T came over Thursday night and we went late night shopping. It was heaps of fun - T and David were SKIPPING through David Jones!!! It was just so good to have T there ... he knew how exhausted I was so he bought my dinner and sat me down and then organised everything else in a flurry so that I didn't have to think. He bought David a reward for a relatively good week at school and then we came home and he stayed the night.

T has gone to Hervey Bay for the weekend - whale watching with a group of friends. He didn't have much sleep during the week and then he was up at 7am Saturday morning pitching tents in a gale! *giggle* I was fast asleep in my comfy bed! He has sent a couple of text messages which have been great and ... *sigh* ... as much as I hate to admit it, I miss him. :P

Sadness x 7

Thursday, Oct. 21, 2004 - 1:22 p.m.

Suicide Facts

Suicide is the leading external cause of death in Australia.

There are around 7 suicides PER DAY in Australia.

More people die by suicide than on our roads (the road toll for 2001 was 1756 compared with 2454 completed suicides).

Worth A Try

Thursday, Oct. 21, 2004 - 1:09 p.m.

Part of the US Health Campaign to reduce obesity is a list of 118 small steps that are easy to do. They reduce calorie intake and can help to get the body moving.

Lest I Forget

Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2004 - 10:23 p.m.

I hate the smell of bananas ripening. They were sitting in a fruit bowl behind me and I've just thrown them out. I miss Wayne. I don't quite know how those two items are related - maybe they're not. All I know is that I've been crying today because I miss Wayne. I shouldn't - he made my life so hard in so many ways but I can only remember the good things.

I remember how he used to jump around the playground with the boys and chase them for hours.
I remember how he mowed the lawn and sprayed the paths and cleaned the house and bought me lingerie that was perfect for me.
I remember how he used to pop his mouth plate out and chase the kids with the two teeth on it.
I remember how he would jump out of the car at red traffic lights and dance in the street.
I remember when he would pile us all in the car and go on a surprise camping trip for the weekend and he would set everything up and build a huge campfire and fish with the boys.
I remember how he went running every day with his walkman strapped to his back in that pouch that was made for him in jail.
I remember the day he almost killed Stephen after he punched me.
I remember how he would wrap a piece of ham and a piece of cheese in a lettuce leaf and eat it with liberal quantities of BBQ sauce.
I remember him doing back flips off the roof of the BBQ stall into the pool at Southbank.
I remember how he would scale up a coconut tree like a monkey.
I remember him sleeping on the floor of the hospital waiting room the night before David was born.
I remember the way he made love to me.
I remember his incredible intuition and sixth sense about people - he was never wrong.
I often wonder what his sixth sense would say about the people in my life at the moment.

I feel him around me but only his good side. It's as though all his evil left his body when he died. Even at his funeral, looking at his body, he seemed so withered and small and powerless yet peaceful and happy for the first time in his life. How sad to have a life where your happiest moment is the day you die.

A week before he died, he called me and told me he was going to kill himself. He asked to speak to David and I said no. Five days after that he asked me to come around to his house because he was moving out and had some stuff of mine. He returned everything of mine that he had - photos, a diary, some jewellery and all the pieces of evidence and damaging stuff that he had blackmailed me with for years. I should have known then that he was serious. He kissed David on the forehead, said "Bye Mate" and killed himself two days later.

I hate the fact that he didn't overcome his demons. I hate that he never made it. I hate that he wasted his talents.

I don't believe I will ever be loved by anyone as much as he loved me. In his eyes, I was perfect. I was wonderful, amazing, intelligent, funny, adorable, sweet, beautiful and sexy.

I know there was bad stuff too but I don't want to think about those at the moment. It's just nice to remember a time in my life when I felt like a princess, even if it was for just a short time.

Smile

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 7:28 p.m.

A Smile to cheer you up.