Life Goes On

MLS (Massive Losers Society)

Monday, Sept. 13, 2004 - 5:21 p.m.

A couple of months ago I received a Commonwealth Learning Scholarship through Uni. It's $2,000 per year for up to 4 years to help with my degree. It is aimed at people from low socio-economic backgrounds plus a couple of other minority groups.

Received a letter today from Brendan Nelson, Minister for Education congratulating me and offering me a "... personalised certificate recognising this achievement."

So basically I get a certificate for having no money! This is to certify that you are a loser. Sweet.

Procrastination 101

Sunday, Sept. 12, 2004 - 9:49 p.m.

So I have a 2,500 word essay due in 24 hours and of course I'm in diaryland! It is essential to procrastinate for a bit before moving forward on such a project. Clears the head, increases the urgency and then when I want to procrastinate later I can chastise myself and remember I already have!

Received a call from a classmate today saying that one of the girls I went to school with died on Friday night, giving birth. Don't hear that much these days. Apparently she was in remission from cancer ... no news yet on whether the child made it.

On a happy note, I received an email today from a company in Brisbane that wants to employ me over my Summer Semester (November to March) to create an enterprise system for their organisation. I have met with the owner a couple of times and given him some ideas of a solution but never had the time to do it myself. He emailed to say that they want to postpone implementation until I'm available to manage the project ... will employ me fulltime until I go back to Uni. Looks like Christmas dinner won't be baked beans on toast after all.

I've never had a problem getting a job. The reason I'm at Uni is because I want permanent work and I want to be paid what I'm worth. Without a degree I only make admin wages (a little more for teaching) but I don't get holiday pay or benefits because I'm always contract. I have worked fulltime since David was 8 weeks old and only gave it up 12 months ago because I couldn't study and work fulltime. Did that for one semester and it was hell! I was working for another Brisbane company for 2 years where I worked 30 flexi-hours per week at an excellent rate. That whet my appetite for a 'real' IT job which I am confident of getting when I finish my degree.

I am studying with a couple of hundred 20 year olds who are very bright, many more intelligent than me. They get much better marks than me and I am sometimes fluxomed by their programming strategies. I don't, however, have any concerns about finding a job when I finish even though the IT job market isn't good atm. Why? Because I will have a degree, PLUS communication skills, teaching background, an ability to stand in front of a boardroom of managers and present a solution. I can write screeds of documentation that is grammatically correct. I have the working knowledge of a dozen company systems that all have their pros and cons which I can draw examples from. I have worked in a myriad of industries - radio, mining, education, construction, waste management, manufacturing. Good marks is only half the battle.

However, as keen as I am to start working and using my skills, Ms-Do reminded me today to not rush my university experience. There is time enough for working when the degree is done. I am loving being a Uni student; pouring knowledge into my brain and feeling worthwhile. This will probably be my last chance to attend Uni fulltime and I want to maximise the experience.

Mind you, I'll get kicked out if I don't do that stupid assignment!

Shutdown Safety

Sunday, Sept. 12, 2004 - 11:07 a.m.

Probably the biggest change that I've noticed since meeting T is that I have jammed my shutdown reflex. I have always had a shutdown reflex which is like a switch and interactions with people are either on or off. There is no inbetween for me. Hot cold happy sad on off one zero. Also, once that emotional switch changes to off there is very little that can be done to flick the switch back because I just don't give second chances. This safety switch has been installed for a long time and it's "saved" me from heartbreak quite a few times. It has also prevented me from experiencing other emotions like sharing, friendship, kindness, uncertainty ... c'est la vie it is a choice I make. So anyway, being friends with me is about keeping my emotional switch in ON for as long as you want to be friends with me.

Well T is teaching me to look at alternatives to flicking to Off. I'm learning to actually discuss feelings, being honest about what I REALLY want and not saying what I think he wants to hear. I'm opening up to the idea that you can get close to another person because they will treat your soul as well as they want theirs treated. It's so scary. It's such a risk. Meaningless sex and emotionless interaction have been my two favourite coping mechanisms for years. My friends will probably describe me as quite cold when it comes to matters of the heart. I have long advocated for casual, non-committal sex; carry your own baggage, share nothing; walk your own path and fuck the world. Sure, this works. It's certainly a way to plod through life in a very safe, contained CONTROLLED way. I-Robot. At the other end of the spectrum is an option I will NEVER do. This is for emotionally dependent, insecure people who believe that the world owes them a living. They constantly need reassurance, emotional support, compliments and they refuse to carry their own baggage. They are emotionally high maintenance. This describes many females out there - usually the most beautiful ones. I have no-one like that in life for the pure and simple fact that I would kill them.

So I'm veering towards the middle road. Slowly, I am edging a toe towards the idea of allowing a little emotional vulnerability to be shared with someone that might actually do the right thing. And I've shoved a paperclip in my shutdown mechanism. For now.

Head Hanging - Fatigue and Shame

Sunday, Sept. 12, 2004 - 10:59 a.m.

T left this morning after spending the weekend here. He likes to leave early on Sunday mornings so he can get home to play on online game with friends in the US. We used to only see each other one night on the weekend (usually Friday) but now it seems to extend to both. I'm happy with this, and he seems to be as well and if it's never not okay I'm sure we'll both speak up. I don't know what it is but T and I seem to have a really good way of communicating boundaries and expectations. I think this is unusual for a male; I only know a couple of men that can speak openly about what they want and don't want. I do sometimes wonder if their openness is because of my attitude. I try to make everyone around me realise (not just males) that I can handle almost anything they say, as long as it's the truth. People don't (usually) have to tiptoe around my feelings and I don't want people to say what they think I want to hear.

I recently had a situation where someone close lied to me. I knew he had lied, and there was no need for it. He doesn't know that I know and so it eats me up because the independent/strong person inside me wants to confront him whereas the 'keep the peace' side wants to just swallow and accept it. It's not T btw. He knows who I'm talking about.

There is a raw honesty in our interaction. If I have an issue, problem, concern or opinion I just wait until I'm calm and then I tell T exactly what I want or need or think. I think this is partly a 30+ age thing and also a thing where I've shut up before in my life and it got me nowhere. Sometimes I feel silly stating the obvious but I figure it's better to set the boundaries before something goes wrong.

Something happened this weekend which I wasn't very proud of. :( Without giving the gory details (for your sake Glennjamin!) I was in a situation where I was feeling disappointed about something I hadn't done. T said it was fine and that I shouldn't worry about it. But ... I'm ashamed to admit it ... I actually started crying! It was something so trivial but I was all upset and in the end I got what I wanted but I felt SO manipulative! I didn't mean for that to happen but the raw facts are ... I got what I wanted after crying! I claim that I'm not a typical woman in so many ways but that behaviour is abominable! I apologised at least six times. I blame it on nicotine withdrawal and PMS. I guess the important thing is to identify the behaviour next time and remember how horrible I feel about it now.

Youthful Optimism

Thursday, Sept. 09, 2004 - 3:37 p.m.

I dated a guy (IW) when I was 17. He was 26 and used to say that one of the things he liked most about me was my "youthful optimism". Fast forward one failed DV marriage, an autistic child, controlling parents and my friends now tell me that I'm the most cynical, pessimistic person they've ever met.

For years I justified it by calling myself a realist. Shit happens, deal with it, life is tough, if something can go wrong it will, you never get what you want, etc.

Well things must be changing. Twice in the last 24 hours two separate people have said to me "What's happened to you? That was an optimistic statement!" They want to take my temperature or check for an implanted happy chip.

Happy. *shudders* What a concept.

A Little Clarity

Wednesday, Sept. 08, 2004 - 1:57 p.m.

I talk in my diary about my son, David, being autistic. This might imply to some that he is "rain man" type autistic, which he is not. He has Aspergers Syndrome, and I have found an article which explains the differences quite well.

It quotes:

Autism and Asperger's syndrome are distinct, and although they share common difficulties in social relatedness and obsessiveness, they can be distinguished in these.
In autism children are withdrawn, whereas in Asperger's syndrome they desire social contact but cannot negotiate rules.
In autism, which, unlike Asperger's syndrome, is associated with mental retardation, obsessiveness commonly entails routine behaviours and physical objects, whereas in Asperger's syndrome it entails idiosyncratic and often highly intellectual interests.

These two distnctions describe David really well. He can have a highly intellectual, detailed, informative discussion about certain topics far beyond his ten years - the problem is that he doesn't understand when to stop talking, when the other person would like to contribute, how to interpret the body language which suggests the listener has stopped listening! He does have friends, but they tend to be very tolerant of him because his frustration levels rise when people say and do things which he doesn't understand, expect or desire. His problems at school are mostly caused by a non-acceptance of behaviour expectations, rather than not understanding them.

I must be courageous

Tuesday, Sept. 07, 2004 - 7:20 p.m.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

-- Mary Anne Radmacher

Hope Swells

Tuesday, Sept. 07, 2004 - 4:08 p.m.

Went to pick up David this afternoon after his first day back after suspension. He is on 'final orders' - one more mistake and he is expelled from the school. This would be extremely difficult under 'normal' circumstances but even harder for me. I just don't have the disposal income to fork out for a new uniform and books plus the next closest school is not within walking distance which throws my whole day out again. I would have to pick him up or eventually he could catch the bus home but then that opens a whole new dilemma of violence on school buses. Add it that his autism and the whole deal just seems too hard. If he does get expelled I think I will curl up foetal and cry for three days. Notice to support network ... you know where to find me if this happens.

Well I was sitting in the pickup zone waiting for him this afternoon and he came running down the hill, with a big smile on his face and it felt like I had my old child back. A big cheery "Hi Mum! I had a great day" and a little hope swelled inside me. The four week Behaviour Management program he attended during his suspension didn't seem to do much on the surface - he only attended for four hours, four days a week and did school work and had three breaks a day but something must have sunk in. I don't know what they did or said but, on first indications, it seems to have worked.
*crosses fingers and toes and asks for prayers that it will be okay*