Life Goes On

Um... yeah.. thanks

Monday, Sept. 06, 2004 - 7:38 p.m.

I've been learning SAP which is an Enterprise System (software package). I have been having a problem with it all day and I checked the help file.

Diagnosis
For the selection criteria you entered, no data has been posted in the system. This could be for the following reasons:

1) No data has been posted in the system.

Me again

Monday, Sept. 06, 2004 - 10:47 a.m.

It's been a while since I've posted a photo of me and I hated the other one, so here's another! I'm not as game as Ms-Do by showing me in my PJ's but here I am anyway. It's not a great photo ... I've never taken a good pic, and I'm sure I look better IRL but there you go. It's better than the last one.

Humorous Dealings

Sunday, Sept. 05, 2004 - 12:23 p.m.

It's Fathers Day here in Australia today. I was worried about how to handle it; spoke to David last week and he said he would rather not do anything because doing stuff would make him cry. My Mother says I shouldn't even acknowledge it because he wasn't a father to David (great help).

David just solved the problem. We walked to Blockbuster (no cute builders unfortunately) and when we were in the shop the guy behind the counter asked, "So, do anything for Father's Day?" I cringed, and look at David. Without hesitation, David said, "We're not doing anything. I didn't feel like having a picnic with an urn."

I guess that gives us a new memory every Father's Day. Kids are so resilient.

Me Versus Nicotine

Sunday, Sept. 05, 2004 - 11:15 a.m.

Okay so once again the battle of Me versus Nicotine rages on. I can honestly say that if T wasn't around I would resume my lung destroying habit with reckless abandon. Someone once said that the more often you resume it, the harder it is to give up and I'm beginning to believe them. The first time I ever gave up smoking was the day I found out I was pregnant with David. I stopped right then. I took it up again when he was about 1 and then smoked off and on until May 2002 when I stopped, supposedly for good. It was really hard that time and I needed the patches and I was SO cranky and moody but I managed it. Fast forward to November 2003, Wayne's death and I immediately returned to nicotine. The day I got the phone call about him being in hospital I made the necessary phone calls and then I went to the shop and bought cigarettes. Even after 18 months of cold turkey my body screamed for comfort and my mind justified it with the stress of the situation.

Off and on since November, then I met T in May and decided that because he hated it so much I would stop altogether. All was fine, until David got suspended four weeks ago and I was back on them. It's almost like a lifetime of addiction that I have to constantly fight. I guess I assumed that a couple of days on the patches and then I'll never want to smoke again but I constantly feel the urge and the desire and the craving for nicotine and I think I will always feel that way.

I have smoked pot before and I never crave it. If it's around, sure, I'll have some ... but I don't get the pounding headache, screaming eye sockets, salivating mouth urgency that I do for nicotine. When I was a teenager my Mother begged me to never smoke. She had been a smoker for 10 years and eventually gave it up when she climbed a mountain with Dad and spent most of the trip coughing up blood. She always said to Adam (my brother) and I ... "You will regret ever starting it" and, surprise surprise, she's right.

I don't want a liftetime battle with it. I don't want to have to resist cravings and suffer the headaches and the screaming need for it and the furry tongue and the nervous disposition that it usually only satiated by nicotine. I want to suck it back and feel it go down and be awash with calm and the knowledge of my rebellion.

Problem is, I also don't want my child to be an orphan when I die of lung cancer. I want to see T and be able to kiss him. I don't want to be breathing through a tube when I'm 60. I want to prove that I can beat this insidious, LEGAL man made drug.

I think I'll start this campaign after I have this last cigarette.

(just kidding T!) I haven't had any nicotine since I left Ms-Do's on Friday night. First three days are the hardest. I really hope I can make it through tonight.