Life Goes On

Good start to the week end

Friday, Sept. 03, 2004 - 5:06 p.m.

Remember my neighbours? Permission Granted to Live. Well Craig, my immediate neighbour just asked Dan to go to the Blink 182 concert with him tonight. This started a screaming match between Dan and Ebany with her saying stuff like "I won't let you go" and Dan pleading with her for permission. W.T.F. ??!! I don't understand this mentality. I agree that it's decent common courtesy to ask the people around you (friends, family, bf/gf) if your decision to do something will affect them in any way, and then to use that to help make your own decision, but why does Ebany believe she has the right to deny Dan a night out? That's crap! What a sad, sad life. I told Ebany that I thought she was being a childish brat, having a tantrum and that Dan was not responsible for entertaining her. She started crying and saying "it's not fair ... what am i supposed to do tonight?" *rolls eyes*

I'm going over to see Ms-Do this evening for a glass of red and a catch up. I won't stay long - aware of her need for time out - but T and David are going to play Warcraft over the house LAN so figured I would be superfulous to need. :D

Hurricane Who?

Thursday, Sept. 02, 2004 - 10:33 p.m.

I'm feeling a little flat and cranky today. Not sure why? Two big assessments handed in this week which was great plus David goes back to school on Tuesday, which means some sense of normality back in life. Everything is fine with T, I'm not fighting with my Mother ... it's like I said last week - I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm; I feel as though everything is just going to go horribly awry in the next few days.

This doesn't make sense, because I have no assessment and I have nothing pending which might be horrendous. Worst thing I can think of is either David getting expelled (although I've kinda resigned myself to that anyway) or getting a letter in the mail saying that I'm not getting any money from Wayne's estate. Pffft. I didn't want it anyway. So what could it be?

I think it's a bigger picture thing. I feel as though I'm entering a new phase of my life where I begin to relinquish the tight reins that I keep on every aspect of my life and just try to exist like a normal person. About a year ago I made the transition from "victim" - which I had been for many years and moved into "survivor" mode. This was tough, but it was a conscious decision to look beyond the poor me scenario and take personal responsibility and accountability for making my life what I want it to be.

"Survivor" (not the show all you reality tv freaks!) was okay for a while. It sat comfortably with my ability to exist without asking too much from me. I now feel as though I'm ready to move forward one more step and attempt existence as a normal person. Not as a victim, survivor [insert all my labels here] but just as a person - Mother, daughter, friend, student, lover, person.

I hope this explains my sense of foreboding. I truly hope it's nothing else because I'm feeling very weak and vulnerable atm and I really don't need any major problems.

Knight Arrives

Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004 - 6:46 p.m.

HUGE couple of days. Was up until 4.00am doing that Uni assignment and then Monday was spent trying to finish it. My group met out at Uni and I eventually had to leave at 8pm. I emailed T earlier panicking because I didn't know what I was going to do with David and he just said .. "Go to Uni. It'll be fine" so I did and it was. I got home and David was fed and happy. I walked in completely stressed and exhausted (3 hours sleep the night before) and T just sat me on the couch, told me to be quiet (I was babbling about group members etc) and brought me dinner and massaged my neck and de-stressed me. It was exactly what I needed and for once I felt like I don't have to do everything on my own.

So then today was supposed to be stress free recovery but because I've been so busy I haven't had time to put petrol in my car and so .. I ran out on the way to school. Poor child had to walk the rest of the way and then I had to walk back home ... IN MY PYJAMAS ... to get my purse. The story goes on but I won't bore you. Suffice to say my normal "Recovery Tuesday" has been wiped out and I now have Uni Wednesday and Thursday to go before I can crash on Friday.

*Yawn*

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 3:59 a.m.

It is now 4.00am and I have just finished online with a Uni friend working on an assignment that is due .. today! It's a lot of work but I'm really enjoying this subject - "Systems Analysis and Design". I've basically been doing this type of thing for years in my DB design but now I'm learning how to do it properly and I am seriously thinking of doing it as a profession. Ask me if I still feel the same way when the exam is here!

Seriously need to catch up with Ms-Do! First round of assessment finishes Wednesday night so hopefully after that?

Night all. *waves to T *

Carry your Own Baggage!

Saturday, Aug. 28, 2004 - 1:54 a.m.

Social interaction is a weird thing. I tend to be so wrapped up in worrying what the other person will think that I don't just relax and "be". I noticed tonight that T and I just interacted so naturally. We went to a couple of places - video store, takeaway, chemist - and everytime we were out of the car our interaction was completely natural. I felt at ease with him, not worrying about "should i say this" or "what will he think if". It's not that I don't care what he thinks or says, I just have a comfort knowing that if he does have an opinion then he'll tell me! That type of raw honesty and ability to express myself allows me to be far more relaxed without always having to concern myself with his comfort levels.

Thing is, is this "normal" interaction? Have I been living on the island of fear so long that I just don't realise that this is how everyone socialises? I am so used to thinking before I speak and gauging the consequences of everything I say ... judging whether the impact or result was worth the expression.

Everything we experience in life affects us for much longer than we realise sometimes. We learn good and bad from life. Our bodies are physiologically so 'clever' in the way they detect and indicate disease, trauma. Why is it that our souls, our hearts, can't filter out bad information and leave us only with positive lessons? I guess I hoped that my mind would know and somehow red flag me to say 'You know what? You shouldn't keep thinking this way because...' but it doesn't and so I waste 10 years of my life thinking that I'm responsible for making everyone else feel okay.

Interestingly, though, but probably not coincidence, the people closest to me now (i.e. my best friends as opposed to acquaintances) are an eclectic bunch but they have one major thing in common - they tell me straight when I'm wrong, when I'm right, when to shut up and when my opinion is appreciated. I guess they all have a backbone and (apart from being refreshing) the key thing is that they don't rely on me to think for them. They don't make me responsible for their emotions and that's the way I like it.