I pray they never call me
Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2004 - 4:00 p.m.
Now that's embarrassing.
t.
Supplies!
Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2004 - 2:34 p.m.
We had a surprise visit from T last night! He texted me earlier in the day to ask if I would be home but I didn't get the message for a while so when I heard nothing more I figured he had made other plans. We had just finished dinner when there was a knock at the door. David was behind me, I opened the door, we both saw T and David's hands went straight up in the air and he said "Yay!" which I think is v. cool.
After some dinner, surfing, Olympics and a child asleep we retired to a candlelit bedroom for the few hours we had left and really enjoyed each other. Due to his current living arrangements (no, he's not married!) he couldn't stay the night so at 1am we finally made the responsible decision that he should go.
I guess now I'm supposed to blab on about how all this feels and what my insecurities and fears and hopes and dreams of all this are. Well, the truth is, there's nothing that I'm worried about. I like this. I like the honesty, the sharing, the time spent together. I also like the time apart, the emotional balance, the way we meet in a 50/50 split of effort and emotion. I have no doubts or concerns about where this interaction with T will be next week because I like where it is today.
t.
Patches and Worries
Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2004 - 11:59 a.m.
I'm back to kicking the nicotine. It didn't take long to creep back into my life ... one stressful minute, a coffee and a smoke with a friend, a "i'll just buy one packet" and then I'm back on the stupid patches again! I'm so annoyed with myself that I keep going back to it. I really don't want to smoke. Being overweight is bad enough for my life expectancy - smoking as well is plain stupidity.
David's suspension and subsequent attendance at the Behaviour Management Program is tough going. He is the only Primary School (Age 5 to 12) child there out of 7 boys. The rest are from high school (Age 13 - 17). He is getting bullied and can't relate to this boys. Thing is, this isn't Behaviour Management for Autistic/Aspergers students; this is Behaviour Management for ALL students in South Brisbane who have been suspended. This means that he is with students with ADD, drug problems, bullying breaches, learning difficulties. He finds it hard to deal with these boys because he has absolutely nothing in common with them. Every morning that I take him he is crying, asking me to go and speak to the boys and ask them to stop but I have to explain to him that I can't because this BMC is all about learning how to relate to others at school and telling him that he must talk with his Supervisors and ask for help in dealing with the older boys.
Can you see now why the nicotine is back? ... Was back! *rubs her nicotine patch*
t.
Noted for his 21st
Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004 - 7:25 p.m.
Another example of David's literal meaning of everything (a characteristic of his form of autism)...
We were parked outside the shop waiting to drive off and there was a guy sitting in the car in front, not leaving.
Me: "Come on wanker, I'm waiting to go!"
David: "Mum, I don't think he's masturbating".
t.
� the Weekend
Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004 - 1:09 a.m.
It's only Saturday night and already I've had a big weekend. Well, "big" for a home body like me.
Friday evening T came around and installed my ADSL! Woo hoo! I have waited ages to go to broadband ... been on the internet at home for around three years and just couldn't find the extra money but the last couple of months I've been online for 300+ hours per month and 150 local phone calls for dialup later it's easy to see that the difference between the two is small. I guess also I couldn't really pay to get the installation done plus I didn't know the right modem so it was in the "too hard" basket. Well with my scholarship money plus the technical assistance of T I have finally done it!
Both David's PC and mine are now on broadband and using a router so my machine doesn't need to be on for David to use the internet. I'm connected at 256kb - five times faster than my old dialup connection. I seldom noticed the speed ... but I'm going to enjoy being able to use my landline phone and I love the fact that I'm permanently connected.
Friday night T and I were waiting DESPERATELY for David to go to sleep. He, of course, was fighting sleep due to hiring a new gamecube game which he wanted to play and FINALLY around 11pm he fell asleep. T and I tried to watch a movie but basically couldn't stop making out on the couch and eventually gave into the temptation to go to the bedroom and ... well you know ... finally get on with what we had wanted to do for the previous 5 hours! Afterwards, we tried a second time to watch the movie but exhaustion won over and we went to sleep.
Saturday morning (well afternoon by the time we got there) we went over to kuinip's place to build a pc for her son. We had lunch over there and also put some new RAM in her machine. She offered to have David for a couple of hours so T and I came home with the intention of catching a few zzzz's but ... * sigh * ... my appetite to ravish him won over and we had another wonderful session after which I could barely walk. I had made plans to go to the movies with kuinip so I eventually staggered out the door. We went to see Walking Tall which was good. Not Award winning but it was great to go out on a Saturday evening.
South Bank is really a credit to Brisbane. It's the old Expo 88 site which has since been converted into a parkland with retail, accommodation and a rock pool ... across the river from the city centre. I commented to the girls I was with that we live in a fantastic city because three women with two children can walk so near the city centre and not have any security concerns. The two boys really enjoyed the movie.
So home again to my adsl connection plus T had done some work on David's machine - adding some new software and fixing up some old software that he had managed to crash.
I had every intention of working on my SAP Workbook for Uni but as fate would have it the SAP Server is down!
All in all, a very positive day. Since the "crash" with T I am very aware of emotional overload so always cautious of spending too much time with him. The important thing is that when he's over here we have a great time and that's all that matters.
"There is no greater joy nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone's life." -- Sister Mary Rose McGeady
t.
Reality. Population: Everyone
Saturday, Aug. 21, 2004 - 12:14 p.m.
Here are some public service announcements about Autism being shown in America. Of course these made me cry because it's so much easier to pretend that my child is normal. And then, out of the blue, something slaps you in the face and says Welcome back to Reality. Holidays only granted for short departures. Drug and alcohol abuse simply delays existing in the real world. Self harm and stupid decisions just make your Reality harder. The only way to exist in Reality is to find your fears, acknowledge them, face them, and overcome them.
So ... what are my fears about David's autism? I'm scared that he won't graduate high school because I won't be able to find a school to take him. I'm scared I'll have to give up my dream of getting my degree because he will need me. I'm scared that he'll never be happy. I'm scared that after wasting 10 years on a pointless marriage that I'll be sacrificing another 10 years caring for him and then, finally, when it's my turn to live, all of my opportunities will have gone.
t.
The children have memories
Friday, Aug. 20, 2004 - 5:03 p.m.
We just got back from a walk to Blockbuster (video store). We have both been in our pyjamas staring at computer screens since we rolled out of bed and whilst it happens to be both our favourite pastime I did decide that perhaps a little of that vitamin found in sunshine would be good for us.
It's not all that far .. four or five blocks maybe? We get to walk past a duck pond and some cute shirtless builders so there's something for everyone. One of these days we might remember to take some bread to feed the ducks and maybe the builders could ... oops, wrong blog. ;)
A sweet smile at the guy serving me at the video store and my overdue fine was waived! Walking back David said to me "Mum, do you remember that time you bought me a Pooh Bear Umbrella and you said 'What if there was only one Pooh Bear Umbrella, then everyone would say isn't David lucky'". FFS, that was when he was two!!! Besides, it was such an innocuous statement; it's not like he remembered me telling him something important, it was just an offhand comment - but he has it stored.
It seriously made me think about everything else he has remembered, and what pieces of memory are forming daily. What will I be reminded of in another 8 years? Thing is, they remember the good and the bad.
t.