Life Goes On

Three Positives make a Right
Friday, Jul. 30, 2004 - 7:28 p.m.
Three really positive events happened today.

T and I met for an unplanned lunch at his work. He took me down to the Brisbane River where I had a sandwich and we just chatted, spent non-sexual time, laughed a little and reconnected a bit. I'm still very cautious of the direction and the destination of our interaction but I'm accepting of the continued contact for the moment. I feel really vulnerable, cautious, a little withdrawn and I guess scared of how quickly my emotions can run away so I have a tight rein on them. Lunch was really positive.

The second thing that happened was I sat down and finished half of a 19 page Uni prac on Dreamweaver and html. I don't know much about web development and never had an interest in it but I have one unit on it this semester. I worked through the prac slowly and everything worked! So that was positive.

Thirdly, Ms-Do came over this afternoon with curry and red wine! We had a fantastic catch up session and dinner. Life seems centred and grounded for both of us atm and that's fantastic!

A good day was had by all.

t.

what is it like to die without living?
Thursday, Jul. 29, 2004 - 4:36 p.m.
I posted this a while back but thought it was worth a revisit.

Source

"what is it like to die without living? to live without loving? is it feasible? how many countless people wake in an unloving bed wrapped with lackened arms or, possibly worse, die alone and unadventured? too many. as odd as it may sound life is meant to be lived, not tucked away for later use. life isn't the dusty fire extinguisher tucked in the back pantry of a cluttered old home waiting for the one day that it might get used. life is kinetic. it�s the reason we are here. to smother it with a pillow of fear will only promise you a future of regret and resentment. reflect upon your life. if you fear you are not living then change. if you are fortunate enough to be shown that you aren't living then pick yourself up and live. you will in turn affect someone else�s life. which will affect another�s. it�s my turn to live. it�s my turn to be kinetic. fear is the food of lawyers and insurance companies. not the sustenance for life."

Realigning Objectives
Thursday, Jul. 29, 2004 - 4:12 p.m.
I forgot that I had a Teaching and Learning Planning Session at Uni this afternoon. They rang me when I was walking back from the Equity Unit so luckily I was still on campus. Looks like they want me to lead a Buddy System to help female IT students get through Software Development 1 and 2 - our two hardest first year subjects.

Only doing three subjects a semester has made a huge difference to my confidence and stress levels. Last semester was a complete disaster for lots of reasons but I feel more confident this time around.

T and I had a bit of a D&M online last night and let's just say that we "realigned our objectives" (do I sound like an IT consultant yet?). It was initiated by him based on me being high maintenance.

I still haven't filled out the paperwork to collect Wayne's death insurance and superannuation. I don't understand why I'm procrastinating over it. I guess he never supported me when he was alive so it feels weird to get money after his death but then the money would go some way to compensating the years of hell.

t.

Melancholy Evil
Monday, Jul. 26, 2004 - 3:38 p.m.
Having a very melancholy day. Went into the city today by train which was kinda cool 'cause I didn't miss any and I found the place I was going which is always a bonus. I could hardly get "lost" in the city 'cause I know it pretty well but it's still good to get in, get there, get home. I took my mp3 player with me and had some excellent musical choice thanks to T who left 18 cds of mp3s with me!

Got some test results which were good (as opposed to positive which would be bad! :))and had more tests done. I had to walk past the Brisbane Magistrates Court and I saw everyone outside waiting to go in. I thought "Thank FUCK I never have to do that again." I would have gone to court around 20 times, including family and that one time in district. I remember one morning I had to wait outside the Brisbane Watchhouse first thing on a Monday morning and there was a woman there - must have been 55 or had a hard life. She was cursing and swearing, telling us how she's been out all night sucking cock and selling her cunt to get the money to bail her son out of jail. I actually felt frightened being within metres of her and wanted to just run away.

Some people (like my girlfriend Kylie) just leave school, get married, have kids and then lead this average, mediocre, unexciting suburban lifestyle. She has only ever had her husband sexually, she works as a daycare Mother, and she has lived in the same house for 15 years. I used to think "Poor Kylie ... she will wake up on day and say she has done nothing with her life". I now think "Well done. You have chosen to avoid the many pitfalls of life and saved yourself years of heartache and struggle and stress."

* shrug * I dunno which is the lesser evil.

t.

Doing the Time Warp
Sunday, Jul. 25, 2004 - 5:48 p.m.
Busy weekend. It started with a long chat with Trevor, the guy from Canada that contacted me through Uni. We dated way back in 1989 or at least we hung out together, went to movies and used to talk heaps! He is happily married with one child and another due next week. I think we will continue chatting online - he misses Australia but has a made a life in Canada and probably won't return to live.

Friday night T came over which was the start of a 24 hour ... um ... how shall I describe it ... 24 hour sexual exploration session? I have never had that many orgasms in that period of time and I don't think he has either. We are still awaiting his test results (he had another sexual partner when in Sydney) so until they get done some of our activities were curtailed however fun and games was had by all!

David went to Paulette's Saturday morning and stayed the night which enabled T and I to have such fun. We wheeled the TV/DVD into the bedroom and basically spent the whole day there - eating, playing, watching porn, filming, laughing, talking - just having a fantastic time.

Saturday night I spent at home burning some data from my HDD which is filling up rapidly. It looks like I'll be going to adsl broadband in early August so need to get the machine ready for the onslaught of decent speed.

There's a Simpson's episode where Homer is at the American Embassy in Australia and he's jumping over the gate line saying "America.. Australia.. America.. Australia". That's how my head feels at the moment. yes no yes no until I just go .. fuck it whatever. The universe will unfold as it should.

t.

... for no particular reason
Saturday, Jul. 24, 2004 - 8:22 p.m.

AVRIL LAVIGNE - "I'm With You"

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damp cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everythings a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm with you


t.