Life Goes On

Can't change what I won't acknowledge

Monday, May. 24, 2004 - 12:02 p.m.

"... you like things to be in order. However, it mostly applies to your emotions. You tie them up in little boxes and drop them to the bottom of your psychic ocean."

An excerpt from one of those stupid internet personality tests. This part of it is true though! I want to be able to control every single solitary aspect of my life, believing that if I am in charge of it then I will never be hurt or disappointed or be at the mercy of another person. Anything that is logical, measurable, physical or practical can be controlled - my degree, my finances, my work. Everything else - emotions, my family, other people, childhood legacies - cannot be controlled by me and therefore I avoid them. I have a handful of close friends who know what I'm like and accept me 'as is'. I do try to tie up my emotions in a little box and throw them away. Problem is, it has to stop sometime.

I was over at Paulette's yesterday and she was telling me about a new person she's met. She was really excited about it and I said "that's great.. and if it doesn't work out with them at least you've had the pleasure of their company for a couple of months". She got really cross with me because she is (understandably) sick of my negativity. She reminded me about the power of positive thinking and that just because I'm love-jaded doesn't mean that it can't happen for other people (or myself for that matter).

She is absolutely right. I can't change what I won't acknowledge, so here it is. I acknowledge my intense desire to control everything in the life and I am making a conscious effort from NOW to allow the universe to unfold as it should. If it doesn't go my way, that's okay. I am strong and capable enough to juggle whatever life wants to throw me.

Not Amazing or Awesome

Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 11:50 p.m.

Apparently I say "amazing" and "awesome" a lot, so here is my list of synonyms for these words. I will try to substitute them at least twice a day.

AMAZING:

Astonishing
Astounding
Remarkable
Wonderful
Incredible
Startling
Marvelous
Miraculous
Surprising
Mind-blowing
Mind-boggling
Staggering

AWESOME:

Overwhelming
Grand
Breath-taking
Splendid
Tremendous
Remarkable
Amazing
Awe-inspiring
Astounding

Weekend Rocked!

Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 8:01 p.m.

I had a great weekend! Started on Friday night - spent playing with my new PC and chatting a little online... then I taught Powerpoint on Saturday. That's always positive because it's an easy program to teach and the students get big results with a small amount of effort.

Saturday night I looked after Corey while Paulette went out with a friend. The two boys were wonderful - played nintendo until bedtime and then went straight to bed without any complaints.

I dropped the boys off at Paulette's this morning and went to spend the day with T at his place. We had a really great day! Heaps of fun, lots of playing, lots of talking. It was really different because usually we meet at my place and usually we meet at night (after David has gone to bed) so it was completely different to spend time together somewhere else and during the day. He gave me chocolate cake with custard and cup-a-soup for lunch! How wonderful is that?? (Very wonderful in case you're wondering... ).

So that was my weekend. I'm now back home, washing clothes and dishes and considering finishing my assignment that is due tomorrow. Life is good.

Inheritance Addition

Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 7:36 p.m.

Today Mum and Dad are officially the new owners of a new townhouse in Brisbane. They have wanted to buy here for years and after recently selling their land in Gympie and unit in Toowoomba they have invested in this.

It is three bedroom, two bathroom, two LUG, balcony, courtyard, security, three minutes walk to the Brisbane river and located in a great suburb. It will mean that they are financially committed for a couple of years but as they're both still working this shouldn't be an issue. Their incentive not to go under?? I told them they would have to live with me! :D

There is a great level of comfort knowing that my parents intend to leave my brother and I with some semblance of inheritance. I know that if they didn't then I would manage, but they have made the decision to make wise investment choices so that Adam (brother) and I will be okay.

P4, T and Key

Friday, May. 21, 2004 - 11:06 p.m.

Long day. My new computer arrived at 9am and the telephone technician at 10am. Yesterday afternoon I was moving my bed over, wondering why it was so hard to move, and then realised that I had yanked the phone plug right out of the wall. No phone, no internet for 18 hours. I survived.

My new computer is amazing! It purrs loudly. I have allocated 1Gb virtual memory on my slave drive so that should keep it happy. It's a P4 and the difference in performance is amazing. I also have MS Office 2003 which is divine. David has inherited my old machine - P3, 256Mb RAM, 2 x 10Gb HDD. We also have a crossover cable between the two computers so we can both be on the internet at the same time plus I can view and use his hdd's over the network which is important for monitoring his internet usage and chat logs. He can't view my hdd's though :D

T came around last night which was pleasantly unexpected. It's worked out better though because I'm working at 8.30am tomorrow and haven't had a chance to clean the house or get stuff ready. David has a cold which I really hope I don't get because Uni is about to get frantic. Also today has been busy - computer guy left around lunchtime, I got my hair cut, went to Clare's for an hour or so and then spent two hours de-worming a computer for a friend of Davids. Had dinner, paid some bills online, put David to bed and it's 11pm. No wonder I'm feeling weary.

I have had a huge cleanup in the last few days. There are a number of reasons for this. One is 'avoidance behaviour' because I have 6 Uni assignments due and I work best under pressure so while I'm sorting out old clothes and throwing out old magazines I'm thinking about my assignments but not panicking about them yet. Secondly, I find the spring cleaning helps me keep my mind off cigarettes. I have been around three smokers today and I was very tempted to "just have one" but of course I know that is fatal and just kept resisting. Sitting at the computer was my most frequent spot for smoking. I will probably put a patch on tomorrow. Third reason for the cleanup was to finally throw out all the stuff that Wayne left with me over the years, including the boxes he insisted I have about a month before he died. I was able to retrieve some important items - sensitive photos and negatives, sentimental jewellery and a surprise find - a perfect duplicate of my car key! :S

That'll Do It

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 12:27 a.m.

Tertia says: trust me Saz.. this guy understands me. Within 20 minutes of meeting me, he called me a control freak

Saz says: WELL You were putting handcuffs on him at the time !!!

I have a New TV!!!

Wednesday, May. 19, 2004 - 11:56 a.m.

First day without a nicotine patch so I'll see how long I can go before the craving kicks in.

I have a new TV!!! It's very exciting! I have had the money since Friday but have finally gone out and bought it. It's a simple, Centrex CTT5109 51cm TV.

When I plugged it in (which is about the extent of my AV knowledge) it started searching and automatically found all the channels. It was bizarre to watch! Paulette is coming around this afternoon to set up the video and DVD through the switch thingie. For an IT nerd, my AV and mobile phone knowledge is very limited. So this TV has a timer, and a sleep, and another option where you can set a time and channel and it will automatically change! It also has two games - slots and tetris! But the most exciting feature of this TV for me is the remote control. :D I have never owned a remote control TV, ever. It's really bizarre being able to sit at my desk and change channels, and mute. And there's no crackle in the sound! And there are different colour/environment settings which you can switch between with one button! And.. well, you get the idea.