Life Goes On

Blessings and Nightmares

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 1:56 p.m.

Nicotine patches are notorious for giving the wearer the most horrendous dreams. Even though I'm using 24 hour patches, which means I can wear them overnight, I take them off before bed because I've never been much of a night smoker. The brochure does explain that nightmares are a known side effect.

So I had an afternoon siesta about an hour ago. I have a lecture tonight and usually don't get home until late so I try to have a short sleep in the afternoon. I didn't take my nicotine patch off, because it was "only going to be an hour". Just before my alarm went off, I dreamt that I had woken up. I could hear a noise in my lounge room so I got out of bed and went into the lounge room. I saw Wayne doing a handstand, leaning up against the couch. He was always very fit and agile so this is something he could do. I tried to scream but nothing would come out so i grabbed my throat, trying to work out what was wrong with me. He put his feet on the ground, stood up, looked at me and started laughing at me. I shut my eyes really tight, and when I reopened them I was actually awake in my bed.

Today is the six month anniversary since Wayne's death. Will I always remember these significant milestones or is it because it's the first year? Life is much easier and less stressful since he's died. I form friendships with people (male and female) without the risk of getting them involved in the bullshit that he has caused in the past. I no longer check noticeboards at Uni for naked pictures of myself. When I hear a noise outside I no longer reach for the phone. I don't have any more court dates to prepare for or remember or schedule inbetween lectures. My parents are more supportive because they know he can no longer manipulate and cajole and brainwash me into making stupid decisions. I only talk about the positive aspects of him with David, because I no longer feel the need to protect David against his Father. I now know without a doubt that Wayne can never convince David to live with him, as he did with his other two sons. And for that, I thank God.

Whisper Whisper .. promise you won't tell?

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 10:29 p.m.

I am SO bad at keeping secrets! I'm okay with big secrets (sexual, family) but it's the little ones I struggle with. I have a little one now which I can't tell you because the person involved reads my diary! * SOBS * .. but I WILL be able to tell you soon, within the week, I promise.

I have actually been doing some uni work these last couple of days which is excellent. Got a few more marks back and actually failed one assessment item but I knew I would. It was a stupid 10% quiz on database indexing involving B+ trees and calculations. I'm hoping that my almost perfect assignment for the same subject will pull my marks back up to 50%.

Oh yeah .. and Day 8 of the nicotine patches. Still haven't had a cigarette and haven't felt like one. I did have the urge once over the weekend but it went away after about 20 minutes. I tried going without the patches this morning but that wasn't successful so put a new one on around 11am.

Give Cash where Credit's Due

Sunday, May. 16, 2004 - 11:02 p.m.

I've started reading a new book called Save Karyn which Clare lent me. It is an interesting, easy read about a woman who was $20,000 in debt so she created a website asking people for money.

Although I am enjoying the book, I can't relate to her mentality at all. She loves shopping; she reads endless fashion magazines; she puts items on her credit card and justifies them as emergencies. I don't have a credit card and I don't think I ever will. My parents have them and use them effectively but that's because they have the income to sustain their expenditure. They never pay interest because they pay when they're supposed to without fail.

I live a completely cash-only existence - I have no loans and very little debt. Fair enough, I owe my Mother money for certain expenses while I'm at Uni and one day I'll be able to pay her back but I don't have any bank loans. The only bills that I get are utilities and phone. Even my new TV (which I will hopefully buy tomorrow) will be purchased using a variety of small bank notes out of an envelope that has been hidden in my house since I blew the old one up. It actually has "TV - $200" written on the front and I have been adding to that envelope everytime I had a little money spare. I desperately need new couches, and new clothes, and a haircut - but I refuse to spend money on these items until I have the spare cash available. Karyn (in the book) is completely unperturbed by the idea of her rent cheque bouncing because she paid over $300 for a haircut. Sure, creating a website and getting $20,000 from complete strangers to get herself out of debt is clever, ingenius even, and sure, I wish I had thought of it first. But my choice of financial lifestyle is easier for a number of reasons. Firstly, I don't fear getting my mail. My utility and phone bills are paid by internet banking in small amounts every payday so by the time the bill arrives I have little or nothing owing. Secondly, my lifestyle is not dependent on my income. I could fall ill and be unable to work/study and still I can live in my house and continue my current lifestyle without financial difficulty. Thirdly, I know that when I started my life again at 29 I had absolutely nothing - I left my marriage with a swimming bag and an old car. Everything in my humble home is the result of kind donations, scrimping, saving and waiting. There is a sense of achievement in that ... and I didn't have to pay 28% interest to have it.

36 hours of +VE

Saturday, May. 15, 2004 - 10:06 p.m.

The last 36 hours have been very positive and enjoyable. Last night T came around and we had a really great night. Spent some time on the computer; I continue to learn new IT tricks from him which is a huge turn on because I thought I knew everything! (Well, not quite, but it's a buzz to be shown new things... do you think I'm a nerd?) He brought me presents! A Windows XP Security Update CD, Holy Grail on CD, a small CDRW (in yellow, my favourite color.. coincidence I know but it's gorgeous nevertheless) and a large chocolate chip cookie from the vending machine at work! I have just finished eating it. Must have had other things to occupy me last night ;) He left early this morning before David woke up. It was strangely good having a man sleeping in my bed again; cuddling up, feeling snug and safe and warm. I do have this annoying habit, though, of wanting to fluff the doona (duvet) at least two or three times a night which must drive him crazy! I also have to be careful about pulling the doona up to my neck because otherwise his feet stick out the end! Much frivolity was had by all and I don't think I snored this time (although I'm not sure he would admit it even if I was ;)).

Today I went to teach MS Access 2000. Had a class of 10 students but they only sent materials for 8 so that was a good start. There was no roll either which meant we all had to logon under two student numbers because only two of them had brought their receipts with them (which give the student logon). This was okay except when we created table relationships and they all showed up on each copy because we were sharing a student desktop file! AARRGGHH!!! Dramas. Despite the problems, the students seemed to enjoy the experience despite the intensity of the content and the fast pace. I am confident of getting positive feedback when they report to ACE on Monday reviewing my performance.

I seriously need to do some Uni work. It pisses me off that I constantly waste time doing unecessary things when I know that in two weeks I will be frantically trying to get everything done, whereas now I'm just procrastinating. I heard somewhere (and I apologise for not including the source.. I just don't know it) .. "Procrastinators are like masturbators. In the end, you're just fucking yourself".

On that note, I think I'll go masturbate.. I mean, go and do some work.

Rhodesian Attitude

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 3:38 p.m.

This afternoon after my VB lecture I went to meet and visit with Ronni, an older lady that I made contact with through the Rhodesia Was Super website. I was born in Zimbabwe, Africa, which was called Rhodesia before independence in 1980. I joined the mailing list on this site and Ronni contacted me because she lives in the next suburb.

We are two generations apart which would normally make for an odd friendship. It could be assumed that we have nothing in common and thus nothing to talk about. I was over there for three hours today. We talked about our memories of Rhodesia, Malawi and our experiences arriving in Australia. I gave her some tips on the computer and we made arrangements to catch up next week.

I have always felt "different" from Australian women, and now I understand why. I could never quite work it out. It takes a very tolerant female to be friends with me, but as my girlfriends will hopefully attest it's worth it in the long run. I was sure that this difficulty in relating to women was about my childhood or my failed marriage or something unrelated to my birthplace. The thing is, Ronni and I are so much alike. We are both control freaks, opinionated, straightforward. We both find spineless, needy and high maintenance people abhorrent. We believe in working hard to achieve success and that we are owed nothing in life. I know these sound like general things that, if asked, most people would say "yes I believe that too" - the difference is that these are the handful of ideals that are most dear to us. Other people/cultures/age groups/nationalities would perhaps put other values first - family opinion, career, social status, freedom, religion, equality. Some of these values are of course important to me ... they're just not my top passions.

So Ronni and I are passionate about the same things and are very similar in our outlook on life. My visit today was revealing as I think that perhaps my attitude to life and my perception of others has a great deal more to do with my country of origin than I realised.

It was really hard to arrive in a brand new country as a 13 year old. I couldn't understand the accent, I sounded/looked/thought differently from my peers. I didn't understand the slang. I remember going to a Social Studies class in my first year of Australian High School and being asked my opinion on Unions. I didn't know what a union was. I cannot return to my childhood home, or make contact with friends that I went to school with. It's almost as if my life started at 13.

I wonder if this might also explain my issues with Australian men. I think they find me perplexing? Most Australian men either think I'm wonderful, or terrible! They often say that I am unlike other women they've met (both in a good and a bad way) and I now realise that this probably has something to do with the fact that, although I'm an Australian citizen, I'm a Rhodesian in my soul.

Humba mush, Shamwari, ndi shalla mush.

Initial Results and Wisdom

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 11:58 p.m.

Got my first result for the semester back today - 60% for my VB.Net assignment. I was happy with this considering I couldn't finish the assignment. Got full marks for my documentation and full marks for everything I was able to finish so that is a good sign. Had a look at the past exam paper for another subject and completely freaked out because I couldn't answer ONE question on it and we're in Week 10 of 13 so i should have been able to do at least a couple of them. However, I was chatting to another student tonight and he told me that the subject code I had looked up is actually the Masters version of the same subject we're doing - Same name, just different letter code. Phew. That made me feel better.

Day 3 of patches - going well. I have been sucking on sugarfree lollies and chewing gum which I know looks terrible but hey, it's better than stinking of smoke.

Clare gave me some insight tonight into some patterning that I tend to do when relating to people. Won't detail it here until I've sorted it out but I think she makes sense. The "rewind/repeat" sound effects she incorporated with her explanation were enlightening and I will reflect on this piece of wisdom further.