Life Goes On

Finances are Improving

Monday, May. 10, 2004 - 3:26 p.m.

Day 2 of patches. Received a supportive note from Clare saying that she will give up smoking too. This will really help as we tend to be each other's worst influence when one of us tries to give up without the other. I had a brief moment there around lunchtime where I really wanted a cigarette! I had only be using half patches thinking that would be enough (and to save money) but at lunch today I yanked off the half patch, stuck on a full one and now I feel much better. Reminds me of that Simpson's epidsode where Krusty is covered in patches! :)

I received three course offers on Friday. These are from Moreton Institute of TAFE where I occasionally teach computers to mature age students. Before I left my marriage I was teaching there a couple of nights a week, but then I had to stop accepting classes until I sorted my life out. I have since taught a couple of day classes and they've obviously received a positive response which is not surprising because I am a GREAT teacher! There is a skill in being able to teach IT - assessing the students' current skill level, explaining things without patronising them, effective delivery of content, balancing theory with practice - and I do all that really well. They've offered me three more courses to teach this term and I'm really pleased because the hourly rate is great which supports my philosophy of "work smarter, not harder". Mum was really happy and said that it's obvious that I won't have any problems getting a job when I finish my degree. She's right - I was never unemployed before I started Uni - the only reason I'm studying is so that I can get permanent work and get paid what I'm worth instead of being paid as a temp but doing the work of a DBA or Applications Programmer.

Last bit of news is that I applied for an Equity Scholarship at Uni today. It is for $1000 a semester until the end of study which would be an unbelievable help towards Student Guild Fees and textbooks. Mind you, if I don't do some work then I won't even be at Uni next semester! :(

I can't believe that nicotine is legal

Sunday, May. 09, 2004 - 3:50 p.m.

Today is Day One of nicotine patches. Yes, I know, i hadn't mentioned that I've been smoking again but a while back I mentioned in my diary that I was doing some self destructive activities and this was one of them.

I gave up smoking when I was pregnant because my girlfriend Yvonne said "When your baby is born he will say * cough cough * my mummy smoked!" Her role play of this broke my heart and I promptly stopped!

I then took it up again when he was about 6 months old and, apart from a few small breaks, continued through until May 2002. I was working down at the Gold Coast (1 hour drive each way) so it was really hard to break the habit of smoking whilst driving, but I did it. I used nicotine patches then and they worked really well.

So move along the time space continuum to November 2003. Wayne dies, It's stressful, and I take up smoking again. It was also hard when Craig moved in next door because I wanted an excuse to go over there and it's a social thing.

I am now really sick of it. My house/clothes/hair/breath stinks. I hate the rising urge behind my eyes. I get a pounding headache around my eye sockets when I don't have the nicotine. I hate being controlled by a substance. I find that my ability to sleep soundly is affected. I can't read out aloud with expression because my breathing is shallow. I can't run up stairs. I eat just so that I can have a cigarette. I plan my cigarettes between lectures. My tongue feels furry and always feels as though I've burnt it on hot coffee.

So that's it. No more. I want to taste my food, and sleep well, and kiss. :)

Day 1 - Put a nicotine patch on around 1pm. Really needed it, I was stressed and cranky. Three hours later i know I'm getting the nicotine - I'm calmer, a little tired. Drinking heaps of water and chewing gum to keep my mouth busy (where's a man when i need one? ;)). Tonight will be the hardest - after David has gone to bed and I'm IMing, surfing or studying. Oh well - has to be done. Wonder how long it will be before I start noticing the disgusting smell of stale smoke that's permeated my house??

Wish me luck.

David is a Good Friend

Saturday, May. 08, 2004 - 9:57 p.m.

Today I was reminded of what a wonderful young person my son has become. We received a phone call from a school friend around lunchtime asking if David would like to go around there. This friend has been having problems with his computer so I decided to go over there and stay for a while; see whether I could fix it.

During our stay I became aware of how happy both David and his friend were. They laughed so much! They have all these personal jokes between them, talk about so many different topics, have the same interests. I always feared with his special needs he might find it difficult to make and/or keep friends. Today confirmed for me that he is a popular, worthy friend who is well-liked by at least some of his classmates. I am so proud of him!

Will batteries become a permanent addition to my shopping list?

Saturday, May. 08, 2004 - 9:31 p.m.

So T came around last night. We had tentative plans for Thursday night which didn't eventuate but that actually suited us better. He had been at work all day - didn't finish until around 10pm and asked if he could come around. We both knew that if he went home we would get online, start chatting on messenger and just wish he had come around. His work is closer to my place than his place so it makes sense. Besides all that justification, I really wanted to see him again.

It was great! We chatted for a while and then played for a while and then had coffee. He finally left at around 3.30am.

I was saying to Paulette this evening that the second meeting was actually harder than the first. The first meeting was kinda "hey lets meet and maybe fuck and if that's it, okay" but to actually agree to meet a second time suggests that we both enjoyed each other's company and that is more than just being polite at a first meeting.

I shouldn't have worried. As soon as T walked in the door it was back to feeling comfortable with each other and we just slipped into conversation easily.

I did embarrass myself at least once though. I have these small, cheap door alarms on both my front and back doors. When I went to turn the alarm off when T was going home, I showed him how to turn it off. I then said "Do you want to know how it works?" Considering he's an electrical engineer this was a pretty stupid question!

The other news is that T actually bought me a vibrator!! I have never owned one and so he ordered one over the internet and had it express delivered to my house! I have named him BOB (like Clare's - Battery Operated Boyfriend). Clare and Paulette have been praising the virtues of them to me for years so they are really pleased I've finally decided to try one.

Bob and I are still getting to know each other. I think I've had a problem with vibrators in the past because I can't fathom the idea of receiving pleasure without giving it. Most of my enjoyment comes from giving pleasure to another person so the concept of receiving without any opportunity to return the favour is something I'm gonna have to learn! The girls reckon that it becomes an addiction.. or so they've heard. ;)

BB is a Bit Boring

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 11:41 a.m.

I cannot believe that it is Week 9 of Uni already - we only have 13 weeks in a semester so in four weeks I'll be writing exams! All my subjects are getting harder but at this stage I don't think I will fail anything. *crosses fingers*

T has called again and we have chatted online a bit. It is great to have someone on the same wavelength that I can discuss a wide variety of subjects with. He admits to being a nerd too - just like me - woo hoo! We are a rare and bizarre group who only make sense to each other. I know that Clare works with nerds and often chastises me when I go into "nerd mode" - mainly because she has to tolerate them at work all day. The irony is that with her degree behind her, she understands what I'm talking about - she just doesn't enjoy talking 'tech-speak' like I do.

The new series of Big Brother has started in Australia. I've been waiting twelve months for it after loving the last series. I can't seem to get into this one though - the housemates don't seem very interesting - all wrapped up in their own agendas and not hiding the fact that they're in it just for the fame. That disappoints me - I don't think there will ever be one as good as the first. Now the housemates know what to say to get the sympathy of the public and they know where the cameras are so they're being manipulative in an endeavour to win rather than seeing it as the social experiment it should be.

How can I exist without my daily dose of reality tv??

Autistic Artwork

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 1:06 a.m.

I recently posted saying that David had done some amazing artworks: "He has given them the most apt and amazing names. One picture he has simply called Life. Everyone who sees it has a different interpretation. Others are called Leg and Two Hands, Almost Symmetry and Eye Lock."

Since having Gold Membership I decided to link the pictures so you can see them. t.

T for two and two for T

Monday, May. 03, 2004 - 12:26 a.m.

About a week ago I started chatting to a Brisbane guy (T) on Yahoo Messenger. He messaged me in a chat room and we talked every couple of days. Young (23yo) and intelligent, I enjoyed his company. Paulette has finally contacted me again and she asked David for a sleepover last night (Saturday). I mentioned it to T in chat on Friday and we decided that if we felt like it we might catch up on Saturday night.

He already had movie plans with friends. I nearly chickened out but he convinced me otherwise and so T arrived here around midnight. We chatted for about three hours which was cool. I did my usual trick of interrupting, repeating myself and talking too much but he didn't run out the door so he's obviously very tolerant. It could have been an uncomfortable situation - I have never met an onliner at my house before plus the time of night could have made it a little weird. It was not strained at all though which was awesome - he was exactly as he was online (unpretentious, interesting, intelligent, funny) and I had a great night. Within a couple of hours of talking he had the audacity to call ME a control freak!! Imagine that!!

So anyway around 3am we somehow ended up in the bedroom. It may have had something to do with the way i was sitting on the couch in my short skirt ;)

Around 6am I finally fell asleep and woke up around 9am after snoring for three hours! I apologised profusely, blaming it on him because he made me sleep so soundly. We played a little more and then he fell fast asleep, waking after lunch while I did a little Uni work.

I can honestly say it was the most successful meeting of an onliner I've ever had. He was exactly as he was online which is a refreshing change; plus we had only been chatting for about a week so there was only a short window for built up expectations. I am completely over the idea of spending months online chatting to someone - building a perfect vision of them because they have the opportunity (not necessarily consciously) of formulating a positive response to all my questions or statements.

I believe that one of the biggest reasons why meeting people online doesn't work (regardless of purpose e.g. relationship, purely sexual, friendship) is because we can both control the time, environment and timing of our interaction. We only ever interact with that person when we're comfortably seated, the housework is done, we have our drink/smokes/TV/music all organised and there are seldom other demands on us like phone calls or children. We also then have time to formulate our responses - censor them, make them funny, add an emoticon. This is so different from the real world. I know that if a friend phones me or turns up for a coffee, my ability to respond positively to them is conditional on a number of factors - what I am doing, what needs to be done, who is around, the time of day, my stress levels - even whether or not I've had a shower and brushed my teeth!

It was obvious to me that T had been completely honest and straightforward in all our online interactions and I hope that he realised the same about me. It seems likely that we will continue to meet up occasionally for safe, consensual fun as we have similar visions and a commitment to honesty.

Joss Stoned

Monday, May. 03, 2004 - 12:16 a.m.

I have read a few good reviews on the album by Joss Stone, Soul Sessions. They claimed her voice to be unique and soulful belying her age (16 I think?). So I got the album.

Well i'm not impressed. Sure her voice is pleasantly deep and "piano lounge sound" is good for study. Unfortunately her babyish, schoolgirl, untalented lyrics just ruin it for me! Here are some examples:

From Super Duper Love

Yeah, are you digginďż˝ on me?

Yeah, I am digginďż˝ on you

Now baby yeah, do you want a little bit of my love?

From Dirty Man

You're a dirty, dirty man

And you gotta dirty mind

You're a dirty, dirty man

You and that other woman, you're 2 of a kind

But you forgot 1 thing baby when you were doing me wrong

That Im a good house keeper

Im gonna take my broom and sweep

All of the dirt out on the street

* Sigh * These are just stupid, uninspired, childlike words strung together and combined with an interesting voice and a sexy frontperson. Needless to say I'm disappointed.

t.

Take Your Idiot Box and Shove It

Monday, May. 03, 2004 - 12:00 a.m.

I blew my TV up last night. Might have been the water that I accidently poured down the back. I was lighting some candles around the place (reason why will be posted next) and I had these floating candles which I was putting in small coloured dishes. I placed the dish on top of the TV and lit the candle and then added the water. Problem was I didn't realise the bowl had a hole in it and the water dripped down the back of the TV! I didn't actually hear or smell a bang or smoke but it suddenly stopped working.

I have had this TV since I moved in here three years ago. It is one of the old wood-veneer ones with a big turn dial on it. I had to buy a UHF modulator to allow video etc to be connected to it.

So I rang Mum to ask her if I could borrow one of hers. They are TV freaks - a total of 6 TV's in their house. 3 x 68cm (main bedroom, guest bedroom, lounge), 1 x 38cm in the kitchen, 1 x 51cm in one spare room and 1 x 12in in the study. I thought maybe I could borrow the 51cm seeing as it's in the small room where David sleeps and it's not connected up to a video or anything. Mum said no; she didn't want to lend it to me because it was new (12 months old). So I replied saying it was okay - that I would instead hook up the 38cm TV that David uses for his Nintendo in his room. She asked if that would be okay (like I had a choice??) and then I drove the knife in - "Yes Mum, it will be fine. Wayne gave me this TV so David will be happy that we're using it". She will now be HATING the fact that even from the grave Wayne is helping me when she refused. * Insert maniacal laughter *

I expect her to ring with a plan to lend me her TV in the next few days.