I remember when Mum met and decided to marry my stepdad they asked my brother and I if we wanted to change our name and be adopted by him. I remember saying .. "Yes! I want to change my name to Cindy!" (I was 6).

The last, maybe only memory that I have of my bio-dad is being on a train, at night. We were standing at the window and as each power pole went passed it cast a shadow through the carriage. I remember ducking each time, thinking it would crash into me. Dates suggest I was 2 or 3 years old.

My mother often talked about him, saying that he loved us very much but their marriage broke down when he met another woman and had an affair. She also stated that he was a pathological liar (about money etc) and that about 6 months after they broke up he and his new girlfriend offered Mum $1000 each for custody of us.

After I got married I decided to try and contact him. Before she died my grandmother made sure she passed on his details to me.

I wrote him a letter, sending some wedding and family photos (none of Mum, stepdad or my brother). I received a letter back about 6 weeks later - but it was from her (his new wife). Her excuse for writing was that "he isn't much of a letter writer". This angered me because I thought "one letter is 22 years is hardly difficult". I think it's more likely that she wanted to have control of the situation and also to let me know that there would be limited access to my dad.

They had two daughters - both cheerleader types into modelling and succeeding at school of course. It's unlikely that she would tell me they were drug addicts or sluts! The one piece of news that did freak me out a little was that they had adopted a chinese orphan girl. She was the same age as David at the time (4) and after they adopted her, they called her Tertia (my name). WTF? 21 years after I was born, and 2 years before I made any contact with them, they named their new child after me. It was a little weird and I still don't quite have my head around it.

So anyway I didn't write back, seeing as I'm not much of a letter writer (?). About a year later Wayne decided to call him from our home in Australia to South Africa where my bio-dad lives. I spoke to him on the phone a couple of times and it was okay I guess. I certainly didn't waste my time or money asking questions about why, who, what happened but just basically talked about what I had been doing and finding out more about his life to date.

Anyway, when the shit hit the fan in my marriage Wayne sent eleven pages of pornographic material about me to a heap of people I knew - including my bio-dad. He immediately rang my Mother in Australia (who didn't know about the paperwork) and asked if I was okay. He also told Mum that his wife had died of breast cancer two weeks prior to receiving the paperwork.

* sigh *

So where does that leave me? I know that I would like to be in contact with him again - I still have his snail mail address - but what the hell do I say? I guess now that Wayne is dead it makes things a little easier; maybe even an excuse for contact?

I guess I pretend this doesn't affect me , and I certainly don't think about it very often (once every couple of months) but it does make me realise that every action has an impact on our soul. As a parent it's incredibly scary to realise how much good and how much harm can be inflicted on a child's naked, raw canvas. I try my best and sometimes I wish I could know for certain that I was doing okay as a Mother. I suspect I am - but a guarantee in life would be great. Dream the impossible dream.

t.