Life Goes On

The Crying Game

Friday, Apr. 02, 2004 - 11:58 a.m.

Jason has issued the challenge to play "The Crying Game". He explains "If you really want to scare a guy ... Try asking when the last time they really cried was and watch them cringe." He then goes on to list his "top 5 cries."

I've decided to follow suit. I initially thought this would be easy - just think of the top 5 happiest or saddest moments of your life. Well.. that's not working, so I'll try something else.

1. Having to tell my son David that his Father was dead. Tears are falling now just remembering how hard that was.

2. At Wayne's funeral. Ever since he's died I have had a number of moments where I have grieved his loss. None of these sessions involved sobbing uncontrollably; they were more about quiet tears as I was reminded of him.

3. I attended a 9 week group program at the end of last year for childhood trauma. In about Week 5 I had the opportunity to participate in deep sharing, which I did, and I cried for a long time that night. It reflected 15 years of pain that I pretended wasn't there.

4. My 21st Birthday was spent out in the Queensland Outback, sleeping in a car, while Wayne was getting drunk in the pub. I remember being uncomfortable , sad and alone - thinking about my parents who had disowned me because of my behaviour and wondering how the fuck I had gone so wrong in my life.

5. My 30th Bithday. They were tears of happiness because on my wedding day I had promised myself that I would be free of him before I turned 30. Somehow I knew that if I was still with Wayne on my 30th Birthday that I would be there for life. I left him when I was 29 and a half.

The Chapter is Sealed Shut

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 10:56 p.m.

I'll just drag myself away from VB.Net for a moment to expand on the NEXT! theory. Well.. the female version of it anyway.

Years ago I read "The Rules". It seemed like a stupid idea, a stupid book, written by stupid people. I was, however, given the book by a woman that I respected and admired. Her strength and conviction in life enabled her to have a string of really lovely guys until she found the one she wanted and lived happily ever after. This was evidence to me that the book might be worth reading.

I guess the lesson I learnt the most from "The Rules" (amongst the number of dates and time allocation on the phone and what to wear) was the basic principle that "... if he's not interested, it won't last". There is no denying that the female species wields a certain amount of power - we have something that heterosexual men want. This enables us to cajole, manipulate, tease and sometimes control any man that wants what we have. There are two approaches to this. Most women take the option to do exactly that. They get what they want by offering up their sex and then taking it away when they are denied their request or even when there is nothing left that they want.

Now I know that I am capable of behaving like this - all women are. Unfortunately the only place it leads is to a loveless, co-dependent, unhappy existence, where you merely tolerate each other because the alternative seems too difficult or because you settle for the understanding between you.

I know that I could cajole and manipulate Craig however I wish. It might take me a couple of months but it is possible. Unfortunately I want more from my life. I want mutual respect, kindness, laughter, friendship, independence, sharing. I want sex to NOT be a commodity or a currency. This "really living" is not possible when there is no balance of power.

NEXT for me means ... if he doesn't want me exactly as I am, then that's okay. I will not try to convince him (even though I know I could). There have been a number of boyfriends of mine who have said to me later in life "I should never have broken up with you. I was manipulated by someone else into thinking they were better." One day Craig will realise that. And if you think this is sour grapes, it's not. I'm sure of it.

The Chapter is Closed

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 9:30 p.m.

I know I haven't written for a while. It's not that I'm busy (expect that excuse in about 3 weeks when all my asignment are due) it's just that I'm feeling confused and irritated and frustrated and rejected and all sorts of other things.

I think I forgot how therapeutic this diary can be. From about a month ago until right now I was thinking that this diary was written for other people's interest instead of a place to collate my thoughts and try to get my head right.

So here goes.

I feel rejected by Craig and that is not an emotion that I deal with very well. I think the problem is that I see a male who doesn't believe in hitting women, has a good work ethic and is single. I thought that was a rare find - but I realise now that it was only because I don't meet many men and therefore I was infatuated with him. Compared to Wayne he is wonderful, but I forgot that I know heaps of other men (e.g. IW and ST) who are also wonderful, decent, thoughtful, kind, genuine men - they just aren't single. Therefore, I need to add Craig to my list of friends and stop looking for a relationship with anyone.

David has noticed the change. I have spent too much time next door helping Craig with his washing machine and computer. I have been doing this instead of Uni work, housework and have even broken David's routine to spend time with Craig. That's bullshit! I can't believe now that I have done that. Not good.

The change is now. No more wasted time on him. No more excuses to go next door. I am going away for the weekend so that will be good - it will break the routine that has previously been established.

Craig is someone who is trapped in emotional hurt, yet has so much to offer when he finally deals with his shit. The problem is IT'S NOT MY JOB or my destiny to be that person for him. I cannot change him. I cannot save him. He is who he is, his lot in life is not my problem. I have to stop the martyrdom and get on with my life.

In the words of the Intellectual Whores: NEXT!

Friends Are Everything

Monday, Mar. 29, 2004 - 10:57 p.m.

Wow. One diary entry and I get a phone call the very next morning saying "One foot in front of the other!" and an email from someone else saying "... Cheer up little buccaroo. Reading you diary suggested that you had high hopes but it wasn't to be. Tis a shame but there is always a reason, even though it might not be evident at this stage. We might never know why, but life is a bit like that. Just when we feel we have 'life' under control, it has a habit of making us humble but throwing up a curve ball - something we didn't expect or something that didn't pan out the way we had dreamt of it. But at least you still have your dreams to cling to. One day, they will be fulfilled. You just need to recognise when that day has come and hopefully, you will fully grasp the opportunity with both hands before the opportunity passes. I believe that life is full of opportunities, often we don't see them because our eyes/heart are closed because of prior experiences."

Thank you to all my amazing friends who have cheered me up and supported me. I try so hard to be a rock for everyone else and it's very seldom I need you but I did and I thank you for being there for me. Hugs to everyone.

Blah Whinging

Sunday, Mar. 28, 2004 - 9:38 p.m.

I started crying about 15 minutes ago. It doesn't often happen to me - usually I am content with my lot in life and make the most of it. This feels like PMS even though it can't be in terms of dates etc. I feel defeated. I feel as though I can't keep going. I believe that everything I am trying to achieve is about to crumble and I will be left crying, looking at the ruins and thinking it's all my fault.

I cut David's hair today. It's looks really good at the front and the sides but I fucked up the back and I think he will get teased at school tomorrow.

Nothing more has happened with Craig. That's a good thing in one sense because I didn't need the complication, but I still feel rejected and feel like I'm a failure because I'm not what he wants.

I'm so tired. I sleep all the time - instead of doing housework or grocery shopping or studying or spending time with David or whatever else I'm indebted to do and responsible to achieve to 24 hours of every day. I want life to be easier. Just once I'd like to feel as though I've done something right or that my ongoing, tireless effort is paying off.

Enough of my blah whinging.

Waggy 2U

Friday, Mar. 26, 2004 - 10:06 p.m.

Blink 182 - Waggy

Watching your house shrink away in my rear-view mirror

As I drive away

Wishing that I could take back all those words

That meant nothing that I didn't say

I'm trying

To be what you want me to be

But it's so damn hard to keep playing the part

Of the fool, week after week

I think you need some time alone

You say you want someone to call your own

Open your eyes, you can suck in your pride

You can live your life all on your own

Is this all going to be just another time

That we play this game?

I've tried to convince you that things could be different

But somehow they end up the same

But what Did you expect from me? What am I supposed to do?

You say that you're starting to feel like you're getting lost

Well, I do, too

I don't wanna live this lie again

I know I'll get it right but I don't know when

I'll open my eyes, I've got something in side

I'll just jack off in my room until then

It's never over 'til it's done

And I don't think that you're the one

It's never over 'til it's done

And I don't think that you're the one

t.