Life Goes On

Clare Saves The Day
Friday, Jan. 23, 2004 - 8:04 p.m.
Spent the afternoon with Craig, next door neighbour, watching TV and sharing a chicken for dinner. Clare has rung - her date must not have gone well - and now she is coming over here! She's bringing wine, and a story, so it looks like my "childless night" is going to be a good night.

Clare and I have been planning a Girls Night In for ages, and I think we both hoped we might have one camping. Problem is, it's hard to relax with a wine and a couple of smokes when it's pissing down rain!

I think she's here. :)

t.

Childless - YAY!
Friday, Jan. 23, 2004 - 5:33 p.m.
Today has taken a surprising turn for the good. Paulette phoned this morning and offered to have David over for a sleepover which I agreed to, of course! She is also going to cut his hair ready for school on Tuesday (we have a Public Holiday here on Monday for Australia Day).

The first item on my "childless" agenda was to ring Steve and see if he was free this afternoon. We haven't seen each other since beginning of December so it was great to catch up this afternoon. It certainly put a lot of my thoughts into perspective. Leonie, his girlfriend with MS, is back living with him and his sons. She was living with her sister but that wasn't working out as her sister has problems with her eyesight. Steve talked about it and it made me realise that I need to move on because this won't resolve itself the way I would like.

Had a GREAT day yesterday. Went to visit Lyn (who I met through group and is now 18 weeks pregnant) and helped her flatmate Manda-Jayne out with some business cards and flyers for her dog walking business.

Hi Lyn and Manda-Jayne!!!!!!

So I'm childless and not completely broke (pay day today but need to pay rent so there's a little over) - what am I going to do?? Rang Clare but she has another new date lined up (rolls eyes) but I'm sure I can find something to do.

t.

Death, Friends and Assumptions
Thursday, Jan. 22, 2004 - 1:32 a.m.
Had a sleep this afternoon because I have a sore neck so I used a heat pack for an hour. I cannot believe that my neck is sore because I used pillow cases that were too small for my pillows, so they were harder than usual and now I'm suffering. Bizarre!

During my sleep I had another dream that Wayne was still alive. It is such a horrible feeling! In the dream, he was in my house rearranging my furniture, critising their current placement and fussing around the place as though he was nesting, moving in, making it his place! Finding and having my own place was such a huge step when I left my marriage. It was the first home that I've ever had which was completely my own (and David's of course) but without any outside influences such as parents, flatmates, spouse to make decisions about it. It is also the first time I have ever felt completely safe, emotionally and physically. Also in my dream, Wayne was patronising me the whole time, laughing at my grief and making me feel stupid for believing the "story" that he was dead. When David woke me up around 5pm because Paulette had arrived, I honestly believed that Wayne was still alive and felt that I should be telling Paulette the updated news! Horrible horrible feeling.

So I watched the final of "The Bachelor" tonight. It's one of those shows that I hate admitting I watch, but I do. I really thought that he would pick Kelly Jo... I guess that's the way they edited it so that the ending would be dramatic. Based on her reaction, however, I think he was wise to not pick her. Also, his decision to make it a promise ring rather than an engagement ring was a great idea. No loss of face if it falls apart in 6 months.

I got a call from Andrew tonight. We know each other through a mutual friend who believes that we are the biggest Love Grinchs in the world so set us up to be morbid together! He reminded me that we haven't seen each other for about a year which of course seems unbelievable but checks out when dates are counted. What's right with him? He's funny, cute, GREAT in bed, hardworking, generous, gets on well with David and intelligent. What's wrong with him? He has been so badly hurt in the past that he can't seem to come out of that to a point where his intentions and dreams meet his actual reality. Too much pot and too much alcohol combined with too little motivation and too much self pity results in a person that only reaches their potential once a year and even then only for a short time. In another time (and perhaps another life if I believe that) we would be great together. When we are spending time together we have a blast but I care too much about myself and my son to save someone else. Tried that once and failed. Never again will I sacrifice my dreams and goals for anyone other than my son.

My next door neighbour (Craig) is still surprising me! As he is 22 I made assumptions about him that are getting erased daily. David and him get on so well - apparently he's "cooler than stickers" which is quite a compliment on the David spectrum of coolness. Craig is considerate, checking everything he does with me to make sure I'm okay with it, and he has a fantastic work/money ethic which is seldom seen - especially in his age group! He runs his own carpet laying business and now has an offsider. He intends to have his first mortgage by 30 and I have no doubt that he will make it.

t.

My Life is Explained
Tuesday, Jan. 20, 2004 - 12:05 a.m.

Dimity
Monday, Jan. 19, 2004 - 11:23 p.m.
I just got off the phone from Dimity. We arrived at the same women's refuge 1 January 2001 and became friends. Although we are from different backgrounds we found some common ground and have stayed in touch ever since. She told me tonight that she has joined AA which was great to hear. I knew that she was an alcoholic even though she was seldom drunk and didn't have alcohol in her house very often. I just knew she had a problem because of her attitude towards it. We talked about how I have always avoided being around her when there was alcohol available and preferred to spend time with her at the beach or pool with the kids or having a quiet dinner at home.

I used to say to Wayne, who was a binge drinker, "You don't have a problem with alcohol, I do". This is not to say that I'm an alcoholic, because the truth is I have never been drunk. I just have a complete intolerance of alcohol abuse. I cannot abide drunks, and in particular drunk women. I drink alcohol - sometimes a good red or a spirit mix, even a liquer when I'm at my parents - but I just don't understand the desire/necessity/kick in drinking to excess. I have realised now that alcoholism is a disease which can either destroy or be beaten depending on the strength and determination of the person.

So Dimity has joined AA and has been clean for four weeks. She has also moved house into a welfare flat where she pays $134 a fortnight rent. Being a sole parent I am eligible for this same government housing but as long as I can afford to stay where I am, I will. Some of the welfare housing areas can be quite difficult to live in so I prefer to pay the extra for security and peace of mind.

Work tomorrow! I have two hours at the Uni being paid to attend a meeting to discuss the first year orientations in February. The pay rate isn't great but it's the proverbial 'foot in the door' which will hopefully lead to other work for them.

t.

* blushes *
Sunday, Jan. 18, 2004 - 5:47 p.m.
I was chatting to the next door neighbour and asked him how long he had been with his boyfriend. He looked at me stunned and said "What do you mean, boyfriend? I'm not gay." That was so embarrassing - I must have misheard him yesterday when he introduced me to his visitor.

t.

Gay Magnet Flat
Saturday, Jan. 17, 2004 - 6:54 p.m.
What is it with the flat next door? I have been in my flat for over three years and have seen four changes of tenants. The last ones were fantastic - a lesbian couple who were always considerate, friendly and funny. They moved out last week and a new guy moved in. He's pretty cute, around 25 and has made conversation quite a few times. I just went over there before and he introduces me to his boyfriend! It must be something about the flat that attracts gay people. Not that there's anything wrong with that. No, nothing at all. ;)

I am waiting for Paulette to come over and return David. He has been over there for the day with her son Corey. We are both single parents whose children never see their father so we are fulltime single parents unlike some who get a weekend off here and there. Paulette often invites David over which gives me a break. She has a fantastic place - 2.5 bedroom house with a verandah and yard so the boys always have a good time. I love having Corey over here except that my place is pretty small and there is less for them to do.

Clare just left after dropping her external cd burner off. I have tried three times to burn some of my hard drive to cd. It worked fine with my music cds but for some reason it won't do data :( I will have another go this week and hopefully clear my hard drive before starting Uni in March.

I went grocery shopping today and stopped to buy some raffle tickets supporting Junior Rugby League. The tickets were $5 each which is quite a lot but I don't mind supporting causes like that. I bought $20 worth but what annoyed me is the guy selling the tickets tried incessantly to convince me to buy $50 worth! Sure, I know that he is trying to raise money etc but why can't he mention it once and then take no for an answer? It also bugs me how they only write out the top ticket, hand you the others and then let you assume that they will do the rest. I guess they are trying not to waste your time but I wish it wasn't rude to stand there and wait for the rest of the tickets to be written. Am I too cynical?

Well now that I'm disappointed that I can't seduce my neighbour I better go and get dinner ready.

t.

Why do I live here?
Thursday, Jan. 15, 2004 - 10:50 p.m.

Why do I live....

In this FLAT? [2br, tidy, carpeted, internal laundry]

I moved in here from the refuge where I had been for 12 weeks after leaving my marraige with no material possessions. This was fully furnished but I have since bought all my own stuff and moved the landlord's to the garage.


I love this place because:

* It is fully screened; (no mozzies, no spiders)

* It has excellent security (barred windows, screen doors, alarm system);

* It has ceiling fans;

* It has an internal laundry (most of my washing is done late at night);

Even though I'm on the ground level (with no-one above me) most of my windows are higher than head height from the ground so no peeping toms!



I don't like this place because:
* It doesn't have a verandah;

* The lock up garage takes a three point turn to get in and out;

* It doesn't have a bath, only a shower;

* The landlord picks up the rent personally every fornight.

In this NEIGHBOURHOOD? [Coorparoo]

* This was on the other side of the city from where my husband was living so I knew it would take him a few months to find me after leaving him;
* It is nearby a friend of mine;

* The school is great and only four blocks away;

* The crime rate is low;

* There are heaps of shops nearby, including a bakery that does gluten free bread.


I would consider moving because:
* It is not close to the train or City Cat (water ferry);

* When it comes time to buy a place I will not able to afford to live here.

In this STATE? [Queensland]

* Friendly;
* Sunny;

* Laid back;

* Close to my parents;

* Familiar.



I would consider moving states because:

* IT jobs are much higher paid in Sydney (NSW) and in isolated areas, sometimes as much as $20K more than I could earn in Brisbane (Queensland).

In this COUNTRY? [Australia]

I emigrated to Australia with my parents in 1985 from Zimbabwe. Australia is absolutely amazing for so many reasons and I have embraced it as my home.


I love it because:

* The tax is high but the standard of living reflects this;

* Free hospital system, including free ambulance for pensioners (although a new system is being trialled);

* Extremely generous welfare system which enables a single parent like me to study and only work if I choose;

* Most of the public schools are great;

* My son can walk home from school with very little fear of violence or abduction (particularly now that his father is dead);

* There are no restrictions or rations;

* There is a democratic government system;

* etc, etc, etc.



I would consider moving to another country... :

* only for a short term (1-2 years) employment contract where they pay a ridiculous amount for my expertise and I come home with enough for a house deposit!

t.

Positivity
Thursday, Jan. 15, 2004 - 10:06 p.m.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.


J.R.R. Tolkien

The Lord of the Rings Part 1 - The Fellowship of the Ring
LOTR
Thursday, Jan. 15, 2004 - 9:59 p.m.
So anyway I've probably already told you that David and I are reading Lord of the Rings. I have never seen the movies and am determined not to see them until I've finished reading the book. We read a couple of pages every night. I have always read to David - started off with the picture books as a baby, progressed to Enid Blyton as a preschooler and now we read novels. We have happily chewed through the unabridged 'Wizard of Oz', 'Alice in Wonderland', several Roald Dahl, all the Harry Potters, a couple of others (can provide authors if anyone is interested). We did 'The Hobbit' before LOTR which was fantastic!

Without seeing the movies I have no idea where this book is going. Will they ever meet Golam? Is Gandalf still alive? Do they all survive the journey? David has, however, seen the first two movies. Tonight in the book we meet Aragorn, or Strider as he introduces himself at The Prancing Pony, and David says to me "Oh Aragorn goes on to become the King in the third book". AARRGGHHH!!!! That is so unfair! So now anytime that Aragorn is faced with the possibility of being eaten by a dragon I will know that he survives because you've told me he's on the third book!

* sulks *

t.

Shopping with Mum
Thursday, Jan. 15, 2004 - 7:11 p.m.
Mum and Dad came down from Toowoomba today to pick up the camping stuff that I borrowed. Dad took David to see two movies (Brother Bear and Peter Pan) whilst Mum and I went shopping at Garden City. She bought me some new shoes, David some new school shorts and stationery for the traditional "Back to School". All that's left to get now is David's new shoes and a school bag for him.

Steve called when Mum and I were having morning tea. He was really sweet on the phone and told me to give Mum a kiss from him! * contented sigh *

I tried sushi for the first time today. I had a California Roll (with seafood, avocado and cucumber). It was .. meh... sure it's healthy and low fat but I certainly wouldn't call it an 'amazing, fantastic fast food revolution!'

Mum and Dad brought me a video recorder from Toowoomba. They have recently bought a DVD and had spare video so it will be great to be able to change channels now. Paulette has kindly offered to set it up for me - she is really good at that type of thing - so she's coming around tomorrow.

t.

Splish Splash
Tuesday, Jan. 13, 2004 - 11:18 p.m.
We went to the pool today for three hours and it was great. It's tough on me because he wants me to be in the pool all the time whereas I would love to sit out for a while and read my book. We did handstands and played leap frog and did somersaults. I feel exhausted! It must be this thing they call exercise??

I received a long email from Bronwyn today. We met when I worked at Hastings Adult Education. She was teaching calligraphy and I was teaching computers. Bronwyn was my bridesmaid and we sat up all night burning the edges on the scroll programs that she meticulously did in calligraphy. Bron is now studying her Bachelor IT externally whilst managing a marriage and three kids, living in New South Wales. Her daughter has just been diagnosed with diabetes and possible Coeliac Disease which of course I can help her with because David is Coeliac too.

I have recently made contact with an ex-boyfriend who is now very unhappily married with three kids. He told me that their sex life stopped the day the foundation for their brand new house was poured with his wife saying "I don't have to sleep with you now. I have what I married you for." Of course there's always two sides and I have no way of knowing her argument in the matter but still... I get a sadistic kick out of knowing that if he hadn't dumped me he'd be getting laid every night! LOL!

Found out today that Debbie (Wayne's first wife and mother of my two teenage stepsons) left her second husband on Monday. I always regarded him as a little overbearing and wondered if she was only with him to be protected from Wayne. This recent departure seems to confirm this. Debbie has the lowest self esteem I've ever met. I think she is a wonderful person and have always got on well with her but I often wonder how awful it must be to live with such dislike for oneself. Sure, I don't always love everything about myself, but I can always say at least three things I love about myself whereas I don't believe she could. I guess I also feel proud of myself that since leaving Wayne I have not felt it necessary to enter a luke warm relationship just to feel safe from Wayne. Instead I have used the love of my family and built a network of friends which have served me well in this regard.

t.

Grief from the Grave
Monday, Jan. 12, 2004 - 11:28 p.m.
I really want to get David's painting back! When he was in Grade 2, he did this amazing picture - done with wax crayons and overlaid with black paint. It shows a castle with the colour streaming through what looks like leadlight windows. Wayne attended the parent night and laid claim on the painting as soon as he saw it. I was fine with that - he got it framed beautifully and always hung it with pride in the many homes he had! (By this I mean he moved about 7 times in 2 years; not that he owned numerous houses).

About a month before he died he rang me and asked me to come to his old flat and pick up the painting. I obliged, despite the early hour, but when I arrived all he had for me was a bag of stuff that was mostly mine and some food. He had Lee's car with him so I assumed he was going back there. I asked about the painting and he said that he would see if he could hang it at the new place and if not then I could have it. David asked him for it too, saying "I didn't give that painting to you - I want Mum to have it".

I sent an sms to Lee the other day asking about my passport as that is another item which Wayne had last. She didn't respond so I sent another one today saying that I would have to list her address with the British Embassy as it was the last known location of my passport. She texted back to say that she has none of Wayne's possessions other than clothes which the two older boys have claimed.

My intuition tells me that she's lying, but until I can prove that I will continue to investigate. I rang the boarding house where he was staying prior to moving into the flat. They confirmed that he returned for a week in October but that he left to an unknown location. My first assumption is that he moved to Lee's but then the person who drove him to Nambour the day he hanged himself was from Bundaberg so there may be some link there.

There are a number of items that I would love to have returned to me - jewellery, pictures, passport, painting, my CD tower, photos - however they are all replaceable except for David's painting. If I could just locate that, find out who has it, then I would be prepared to go through Small Claims Court to get it back.

*Sigh*

Suicide leaves such a shambles behind. They say it's the cowards way out and in so many ways, it is. Too many loose ends, unanswered questions, family squabbles, guilt. I just want to punch him on the arm and call him a fuckhead. One person's refusal to deal with life means bigger hassles for everyone who's left to sort the shit out. It sucks.

t.