I wake up when I like. I eat and watch what and when I want. Everything is where I left it. Fuckups are only ever my fault. The phone is off the hook when I don't want to talk to anyone. There is no late night waiting up for someone to get home. I remember once when I was living in Charters Towers with Wayne - he was out drinking with some people he met down at the pub. I knew where they lived, but had never been in the house. He was supposed to be home hours earlier and I was pissed. I marched down to their house, in my pyjamas and slippers! I peeked in the front window and saw him kissing some girl on the sofa. Rather than bang on the front door and give him warning I decided on a sneak attack from the back door which would probably be open. Problem was, I didn't realise it was a semi detached with another flat at the back so I went marching through someone else's flat in a foul mood and abusing everyone that approached me. It was not until I couldn't find the lounge room that I realised my error.

Something changed for me that night. I stopped being emotionally affected by other people's actions. I am not naturally a jealous person so now I see an advantage in not being in love. If I don't love anyone, then they cannot affect how I feel. Without love, I am in complete control of my own emotions. Sure it's different with my son, but that's a risk I took when I decided to have a child. My love for him is unconditional and always will be. It will, however, take an incredibly amazing person to make me surrender that emotional control and place my trust in another person. It's unlikely to ever happen and if that's the way then so be it.

Society places such importance of sharing one's life with another. When a couple break up, friends always say "You'll be okay. Plenty more fish.. you'll find someone" or even in reality TV shows like The Bachelor the rejected ones say in the limo (between sobs) "I know there is someone out there for me". AARRGGHH!!! What's wrong with ... I'm okay on my own. I am a complete person without another. I will achieve my life goals regardless of my relationship status. Being married/in love/in a relationship is not essential to me being happy/a good person/an achiever.

Sure this might sound like sour grapes and I guess somewhere in the world there are actually people who are content in a partnership and I'm happy for them. I guess a small part of me hopes that one day I may have a life partner to share my joys and sorrows with, yet I remain firm that my life alone is better than with someone who does not appreciate me or renders me a lesser person than my potential.

t.