Life Goes On

Elephant in the Room
2003-12-11 - 9:49 p.m.
"Elephant in the Room"

There's an elephant in the room

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?" and "I'm fine."

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about everything else-except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.

It is constantly on our minds.

For you see, it is a very big elephant.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say his name.

Oh, please, say "John" again.

Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about his death,

Perhaps we can talk about his life.

Can I say "John" and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, you are leaving me

Alone...

In a room...

With an elephant.

Author Unknown

Morbid Grinch Day
2003-12-10 - 3:00 p.m.
David and I went to see CS Lewis' The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe yesterday. He was a little reluctant to cut school - told me that "if I fail Grade 4 because you made me go I'll never forgive you!" but within half an hour he was hooked and loved every minute of it.

This afternoon I am going to buy tickets to see "A Perfect Circle". Jacinta and I are going in February which should be great. it will be my first ever rock concert.

Barbara would always say to me - "Every interaction you have in life should be cheap to give, and expensive to receive" which means that it should be easy to give something of yourself and it should be received with gratitude and appreciated by the recipient. If ever there is an interaction which is expensive to give and/or cheap to receive then it is unhealthy. I am feeling a little like that today. Giving too much of myself without reciprocation is draining and depressing.

If I were still married, today would be our 8 year wedding anniversary. This is the first without Wayne alive. Usually we would at least text or phone each other and acknowledge the day but no-one to do that today. It feels like 3 years since my wedding. We got married at 6 AM - on sunrise - overlooking the beach. That was followed by a smorgasbord bacon and egg breakfast and then wedding cake and coffee for morning tea. Our honeymoon night was spent eating pizza and watching The Mask.

Having a blah day again. I am dreading Christmas so much. I hate all the pretence and carry on. Why don't we make this sort of fuss any other time of the year? It's just bullshit.

t.

Letter to Wayne #1
2003-12-08 - 1:15 a.m.
Hey you,

I'm crying again. I bet you never thought I cared this much, huh? * punches you in the arm * I always thought I could tell you anything but the problem was there was that part of you which stored every scrap of information and filed it away so that you could pull it out and hurt me with it. I don't know why you always did that. Was it the bipolar, or was it your childhood that jaded you so much that you had to continue to believe that everyone was out to get you? Remember that time in that pub in Longreach when you said, "I'm not paranoid, I just don't like cunts staring at me?" We used to laugh about that all the time.

I also remember how we used to get a 6 pack of beers and half a kilo of prawns at that pub in Longreach for $10 and walk out to the river and go fishing at night. That time that I fell down the river bank carrying that big log? That was one example of how I always tried so hard to please you; I always wanted to do the right thing so that you would be nice to me all the time, instead of just half the time. I thought that if I was always good then you would never have the bad moods where you hurt me so much.

Those fishing nights were so good. We would talk for hours and just be best friends. In the morning we would walk back into town, either stirring the cows up or maybe catching a lift in the back of the roo shooter's ute. There was such simplicity in our entertainment - no need for parties, or drugs, or excess alcohol. No one to impress and no one's expectations to meet.

I saw you in court two days before you hanged yourself. I was so sick of going to court. I was sick of standing up for myself, for protecting David and I. I just wanted to take your word for it that you wouldn't hurt me again but I knew that your intentions could never overcome your deepest insecurities which always got the better of you. I know that your darkest moments and most hurtful acts were beyond your rational thought because so often you didn't even remember them. The court papers went someway to protecting us from that dark side.

Fuck Wayne I loved you so much. In so many ways you were my best friend and my worst enemy. I feared you, but I also felt protected by you. I knew that if anyone ever hurt me or David that you would save us, you would make it all better. The only person you couldn't protect me from was yourself. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I hate the fact that you've left me. I hate the fact that David will never know the "good you". Just leave me to cry on my own. I doubt I will ever love someone as much as I loved you. * punches you in the arm again *

Your wife, friend, supporter, lover, fishing partner...

t.

I <3 Sleep
2003-12-08 - 12:38 a.m.
Another flat day. Not as bad as I have been, but not great either. I slept in until 11.30am then went to Civic Video, made David some lunch and went back to bed at 3.30pm. Slept until about 6pm.

I've been so tired lately and have, on occasions, had dizzy spells. I guess it could be a number of things - grief (can it affect me physically?), catchup from the semester, diabetes, too much water? I am drinking about 5 litres a day now and Mum thinks I might be flushing my body out of vitamins and minerals. I took a multivitamin today and it did make me feel a little better so maybe there's some truth in it. I also wonder whether the fatigue is related to drinking so much caffeine during semester? Maybe my body is just used to surviving on it.

I sent Mick a text message yesterday saying that I hoped his daughter has a good birthday and to drive home safely in the rain. I haven't heard back from him. Hmmmm..... Interesting. Let's go through all the possibilities. he had an accident. He didn't get the message. He has lost my phone number. He has changed his mobile number. He is out of mobile range. He has a girlfriend. Now for the truth - He didn't have fun on Friday night and/or he doesn't like me. Problem solved. Get over it.

That is all.

Rain, Party, Men, Etc.
2003-12-06 - 2:34 p.m.
Wonderful wonderful rain here today. I know that Melbourne has been flooded badly, but we are enjoying the cooler weather and expected greeness that comes with so much rain. It's been ages since we've had this much and it's great!

Went to my old work Christmas party last night. It was at the Logan City Dump - although they prefer to call it the Landfill. It was great to catch up with everyone again - much quieter than last year but that was a good thing. Pete's got himself a lovely girlfriend (skinny obviously). Jess is even more interesting and emotionally separated than before. Tania has apparently separated from husband - they've only be married a year - talk about fucking people around? Sarah was there too - she's pregnant again which is just ridiculous considering she was bitching about how awful her husband was. She was fairly cold towards me but not surprising considering I told her to "change her situation or her attitude" and that she was too high maintenance for me.

I stayed later than I was supposed to and was, unfortunately, late for Paulette who was looking after David.

I caught up with Mick at the Christmas Party. Haven't seen him in a while. He has changed.. grown a bit of a spine I think? Still really sweet, and still sexy, but not pandering to his ex-wife as much which was always a bug bear for me. Where the hell does that term come from? "bug bear"? I think he will ask me out soon. We had fun at the movies last time.

J was online last night. Another impossible situation. I should just cut all ties there. Blech.

fluidlife from diaryland sent me a lovely note following my Hymn to Him which made me feel great. Thanks!

Making chicken curry for dinner and intend to clean the house because its disgusting! *sobs quietly *

OH YEAH! I got my hair cut and coloured, and I bought new jeans. Woot!

t.

Ain't that the truth
2003-12-06 - 12:32 a.m.
"There ain't much merry going around."

-- Tangalwood, Operation Never Fallapart

She said...
2003-12-05 - 12:30 a.m.
Saz says: Hard to gauge space vs closeness
Hymn to Him
2003-12-04 - 10:15 p.m.

Yuck. Why can life never be good for long? I've never lived in 'waves' like this. Even when Wayne's moods would swing up and down I always felt the same. Ever since his death I go through stages where everything's good and then everything's fucked up again. Is this grief? If it is, it sucks.


Where?

I miss you.

Why?

I hate it.

When can I hold you again?

When can I yell at you?

Can you see what you've done?

Are you watching?

Do you see our pain?

Are you pleased?

I want to punch you.

I want to sob in your arms.

I want to say sorry.

I want to tell you that we love you.

He is suffering.

He is so angry with you.

He blames her.

She probably blames her.

I thought you loved her?

He is going downhill. Backwards.

He is returning to old ways.

He will never recover.

Yes he will. I will make sure of it.

Your legacy is one of pain.

I'm crying.

I never let you see me cry.

I never let you know how much your words and actions hurt me.

Are you watching me cry now?

Are you laughing?

You let me down.

I believed in you.

I stuck up for you.

I told everyone you weren't a wanker.

I told them you had "potential".

Now they laugh.

Thanks a lot.

I miss you.

t.