Life Goes On

Monday Fucking Blah
2003-10-13 - 10:49 a.m.
Bizarre how I've always believed that I was never depressed yet today I just feel completely miserable. I know that depression amongst teenagers is rising and I notice it in people at Uni and Travis and Darel (all teenagers) yet I've never believed that it ever affected me (as a non-teenager).

Today is very BLAH... the most BLAH I've felt in a long time. I think it has to do with a conversation with my Mother last night. We were talking about me not having enough freezer space and I said that I could either leave it with Paulette or bring it up to Toowoomba to put in Roy and Shirley's (Uncle and Aunt) freezer. She agreed with this, saying "Yes and that way Paulette can cook it for you",

WHAT MAKES MY MOTHER THINK I CAN'T COOK AT THE AGE OF 32???? Stupid fucking bitch. It's this attitude that keeps plummeting my self esteem even after I crawl back up and fight her doom and do stuff that she doesn't think I can do and then in one sentence she kicks me down again. We all know why this is, and it's discussed in another forum, but how the fuck can any parent sleep at night when they get so much pleasure from hurting their offspring?

On a happier note, Ben just cheered me up a little. :D

t.

Desiderata
2003-10-12 - 5:37 p.m.
"Go placidly amid the noise & haste & remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy." -- Desiderata

I remember liking this verse as a teenager but it wasn't until recently that I re-read it and realised how apt it is to life. Sometimes we assume we know the full meaning of something and then disregard it, all-the-while missing the entire point. t.

Shot by the Weekend
2003-10-12 - 4:17 p.m.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -- Maya Angelou

Interesting weekend. Spent most of Saturday at Paulette's - she did the speakers and muffler on my car and I removed Kazaa and 262 spyware programs from her machine.

Sunday (today) went over to Clare's. I only expected to stay for a couple of minutes while I dropped the digital camera off but we got talking and I spent a couple of hours over there.

This week is now completely shot because I haven't done any work. *sobs*

Going now to do some work. t.

Fear ==> Desperation
2003-10-11 - 12:17 a.m.
"There is money to be made from other people's desperation" [Anonymous, permission granted]

This relates a little to the quote below in that it's our desperation to avoid our greatest fear that makes us do illogical things. This can be spur-of-the-moment decisions when faced with danger such as saving our child from being run over, diving in front of a bullet, jumping out of the window of WTC.

These can also be major life-changing decisions like getting married, having an abortion, packing up and selling in the city for a country sea-change, revealing sexual orientation to the family.

All of these decisions have one thing in common - they are made according to how desperate we are, how close we are to meeting our greatest fear but also how prepared we are to deal with it.

Fears in these scenarios might include fear of losing a child or loved one, being burnt to death, being lonely, responsibility, being rejected or humiliated or simply missing out on life.

"A child is born with two fears, the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises" [http://www.brucegoldfarb.com/lives.htm]

What is your greatest fear? Where did it come from?
what is it like to die without living?
2003-10-10 - 12:29 a.m.
FROM: http://dr_g00se.tripod.com/living.html

"what is it like to die without living? to live without loving? is it feasible? how many countless people wake in an unloving bed wrapped with lackened arms or, possibly worse, die alone and unadventured? too many. as odd as it may sound life is meant to be lived, not tucked away for later use. life isn't the dusty fire extinguisher tucked in the back pantry of a cluttered old home waiting for the one day that it might get used. life is kinetic. it�s the reason we are here. to smother it with a pillow of fear will only promise you a future of regret and resentment. reflect upon your life. if you fear you are not living then change. if you are fortunate enough to be shown that you aren't living then pick yourself up and live. you will in turn affect someone else�s life. which will affect another�s. it�s my turn to live. it�s my turn to be kinetic. fear is the food of lawyers and insurance companies. not the sustenance for life."